I don’t really know how to diagnose what’s wrong with me or put in words why I am the way I am. Currently I am 20 years old and my junior year of highschool (because of what I have went through from people) I decided that I no longer wanted to feel. I didn’t want to be sad, I didn’t care about being happy etc etc… So I did, and I became very well numb. I could be sympathetic to peoples issues, I am still obviously human, but I am very closed up. It is like.. if I were to lose my wonderful boyfriend it wouldn’t matter to me because, even though he’s all I want I have become so used to closing myself and being ‘alone’ in my thoughts.
This concerns me and I want to be able to be on the same page with people. My boyfriend he goes ABOVE and BEYOND for me and I do appreciate everything he is doing/does and I do like him a lot. I just can’t for the life of me stay with him. I always want to get out of the relationship. I feel it would be unfair for someone like him to be with someone like me. I tell him everytime when I ‘freak’ out that I don’t deserve him and he should be with someone who does the same for him, cares for him so much as he cares for me, and returns the love. I am affectionate at times but not as affectionate as I should be or would like to be. I just can’t bring myself to be that person that I want to be for him.
This isn’t all about him though, in general I am always indecisive, confused, and just feel like I depend on myself on everything and feel like I don’t need anyone when I do.
I have managed to push my good friends away and I am getting sick and tired of being alone, when it’s all my fault. How do I get back in-touch with my feelings?
Sorry for the long read and thank you for taking the time to read/respond.