Not in-tune with my feelings?

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I don’t really know how to diagnose what’s wrong with me or put in words why I am the way I am. Currently I am 20 years old and my junior year of highschool (because of what I have went through from people) I decided that I no longer wanted to feel. I didn’t want to be sad, I didn’t care about being happy etc etc… So I did, and I became very well numb. I could be sympathetic to peoples issues, I am still obviously human, but I am very closed up. It is like.. if I were to lose my wonderful boyfriend it wouldn’t matter to me because, even though he’s all I want I have become so used to closing myself and being ‘alone’ in my thoughts.

This concerns me and I want to be able to be on the same page with people. My boyfriend he goes ABOVE and BEYOND for me and I do appreciate everything he is doing/does and I do like him a lot. I just can’t for the life of me stay with him. I always want to get out of the relationship. I feel it would be unfair for someone like him to be with someone like me. I tell him everytime when I ‘freak’ out that I don’t deserve him and he should be with someone who does the same for him, cares for him so much as he cares for me, and returns the love. I am affectionate at times but not as affectionate as I should be or would like to be. I just can’t bring myself to be that person that I want to be for him.

This isn’t all about him though, in general I am always indecisive, confused, and just feel like I depend on myself on everything and feel like I don’t need anyone when I do.

I have managed to push my good friends away and I am getting sick and tired of being alone, when it’s all my fault. How do I get back in-touch with my feelings?

Sorry for the long read and thank you for taking the time to read/respond.

Tags: asked November 22, 2013

1 Answer

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I say this a lot to people that have the same feelings you're having now - people who need to sort themselves out: go for a hike. Take a day this weekend, pack a lunch, and hit the nearest stretch of woods (or a big park) around you where you can wander and explore. Leave your phone off and in your pocket in case of an emergency or, if you know the area well, leave it in the car/at home.

Being completely alone and unplugged for a day does wonders. You are completely and truly, utterly alone with your thoughts. We all think we are alone with our thoughts but we're not. There's always a text, notification, noise, movement, something drawing our attention away.

Going out and finding someplace quiet and isolated helped me in ways I can't even begin to describe. I finally had time to take a good hard look at myself and who I was and who I was becoming. I had time to think things over that deserved my undivided attention. I found closure within myself on some emotional wounds I never thought would heal... I found myself out on some misty, muddy waterfall hiking trail in the backwaters of nowhere and came out with a better sense of identity. I always suggest this to people who are feeling as lost and confused and beat-up as I was because it helped me more than I can possibly say.

You also need to realize that relying on yourself/being independent isn't the same as being insensitive. I'm the same way. I can cover my own expenses and I don't need anyone in my life; if they're a part of my life, it's because I want them there, not because I need them there. You are strong enough to carry yourself through your life and the obstacles that have risen up along the way. You've made it this far. This is just one more mountain to climb and you have the strength to do it (even if you don't realize it yet.)

Again, I will strongly suggest you take a hike and mull things over. Taking the time to step away from everything and just have the peace and quiet to think - someplace unfamiliar to you (no distractions) will allow you to actually feel. You can think of something, think of how you feel, and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised to find that you do feel something. It's just easy to miss when you're worried about what everyone else might think/feel/say because you want to be there for them more than you want to take care of yourself emotionally.

If you need someone to talk to in private, feel free to message me. Best wishes!