My relationship is just so complicated. (kinda long..)

To start off I am 19 and the guy in question is 16. I know it’s weird, but we have been together for almost 2 years, and we have a 9 month old son together. I actually got in a lot of trouble because of this relationship and I’m on three years probation because of it. He got sent off to a rehab-type place because of fighting and drugs for one year, but we got back together after he was sent off, and correspond through letters and phone calls.

The thing is, during our relationship he was the overbearingly jealous type of guy, he didn’t want us to have Facebook, Twitter, etc., and he was always thinking I was looking at a guy wrong, and that I wanted to sleep with a bunch of different guys, even though I never even tried to talk to another guy when I was with him. It was physical sometimes. When I was about…5 months pregnant was the first time he ever put his hands on me. He had taken two clonazpen, which is like a pill for anxiety, and he said it made him angry. He ended up breaking a mop over my leg and I left him for about two months. Well, we got back together and although we fussed often (mostly about his smoking pot), he never hit me again. Until my son was born. That’s when I started getting in trouble with DHR, his marijuana use was getting worse, and so was his anger. His family, I will admit, put a lot of stress on him because they were always cussing him and taking pills and stuff like that.

Well, he started hitting me again not too long after that, but I always went back. He gave me black eyes, I covered them up. He broke my phone once in a blackout anger spell, and I took the blame and told my mom I accidentally dropped it. He slapped me because he thought I was looking at a guy wrong (in front of everyone. it was so embarrassing). I was an idiot. Well, after I was put on probation for three years, we were back together and decided to get a hotel and drink a few beers and hang out. Well, the friends we were with walked to the pool or something and we got into an argument, and it got heated. It ended with us physically fighting and the people next to us called the cops, getting us both taken to jail that night.

Well, then we broke up and didn’t really talk much until I wrote him a letter because I was thinking about him and I really do miss him and I love him so d*mn much. He’s the only guy I’ve even dated for longer than a month, and honestly him and my son are my whole world. I’m so hoping that he’s gonna change while he’s in rehab, but I honestly do have my doubts. Even worse, my probation officer forbade me to have any contact with him because of our history. He said it’s okay to write him, but we can’t physically be around each other. And honestly, I don’t plan to abide by that, because when he comes home I want us to have a home together and raise our son.

Honestly, I think I know this is a bad idea, and that it could very well end badly, and probably will. But I just can’t help but HOPE. And I feel like I have to try. I just can’t give up on him..

can i just get some opinions?

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august

7 Answers

I have been in an extremely complicated relationship with my boyfriend of 3 years, but not once did it EVER get physical. That is where you draw the line. I've read case studies that the women begins to actually believe that she deserves him doing that, as if she has done something wrong and it is a punishment. That is absolutely unacceptable. In this situation, you basically are going to have to pick between him and your son. It is not safe for your child to be around an abusive boy, what if he touches your son even though he loves him? He loves you, and look what happened. If you see him and break your probation then you will be going to jail and taken away from your son. You need to put your son before yourself. You should move on from the crazy boyfriend, as much as I'm sure it will hurt you; the point of no return has been reached. You need to stop talking to him, and move on with your life. Start to make a better life for you and your son, and keep the psycho out of it.

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bcbeach95

Hello Miss August, you did the right thing in reaching out.

First off, congratulations on the birth of your son. I hope you have many happy years raising him into a fine man.

Your relationship with your son's father has not been healthy from day one. You are a convict and he is in and out of rehab. Your judgment has never been sound when you spend time with that young man. You literally cannot stop hurting each other because of how volatile he is.

For your benefit, the following link is to the warning signs of an abuser. Please keep this list for your own reference, and for the sake of you and your son, do not ignore what you find. http://www.newhopeforwomen.org/abuser-tricks

You want to have a happy life, and it is your duty as a mother to ensure the best possible chance for happiness for your son, and that happiness does not lay with the boy's father. He is abusive, he is volatile, and he is a threat to your health and the health of your son. Sixty percent of abusers end up abusing children, including their own. It may only be a matter of time until he escalates. Take your PO's order seriously and stay away from your ex. He is no good for you, and you are no good for him. Your son does need a father, but he does not have to be the one to fill that role, find a better man who is not an abuser and an addict. Do not make the mistake of falling into the delusion that you, your love, or his love of his son will change him.

Don't risk your safety and the safety of your son on a gamble. Until and unless he shows improvement on his own and away from the two of you, do not trust him to be within arm's reach, and do not risk your freedom by disobeying your PO. Do the right thing, get yourself straight with the law, and move on with your lives.

It won't be easy, but again, for your two sakes, you have to do the right thing, not chase what you wish was better. Wishes and whims are not facts, and you cannot hope him into being a better person.

Please keep in contact and let us know how things are going in your life. Always remember that you matter, and you are not alone.

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Humanist Hope

16,417

Concentrate on that baby boy and work on bettering yourself. You are still young and have a lot of growing to do (the human mind doesn't mature completely until age 25). Try a distraction like online college or something that will help you better yourself. I'd forget about the boyfriend for now.

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adyal0977

173

I am afraid you may be mistaking all of the very tense emotion going on in this relationship for love. Men do not beat a women they love. I am afraid your boyfriends problems will drag you down for as long as you stay with him. He is broken in a sense and you are not equipped to fix him. This is something my grandma said to me when I was younger. I am 36 now. Looking back she was right. I just couldn't see it myself at the time. Your responsibility is to your son and not your boyfriend. I don't know if you realize it or not but your POs next call when she catches you together with your boyfriend is going to be to child protective services. They have the ability to take your son away from you if you are putting him in danger. Your boyfriend has already proven on paper that he is not a safe person for your son to be around. That just leaves you. If you continue to put your son in danger you will loose him. I know you don't want that. I know you love your BF and you hope he will change but the reality is that he will likely get worse before he gets better. Love is clouding your judgment about your sons safety around his father. The best thing you can do is force yourself to move on alone with your son and make a better life for the 2 of you. It's not your son's fault his father has anger problems. He didn't get to pick his parents. You made the decision to have your son and it's your responsibility to keep him safe and make sure he has what he needs. If you are unable to do that the state you live in will step in and do it for you. I am not trying to sound harsh but your situation is so degraded at this point that you cannot see reality clearly. You are willing to go to jail to be with your boyfriend. Where does this leave your son? Is it fair to him for you to make that decision? In our society being a parent is a privilege not a right. Just remember that. There are people who can and will put your little boy in a safer situation if you choose not to.

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Broken 1

615

I don't have any time to respond as well as I want to, but I'd love to know how things go. Please keep us posted, and remember to stay strong for your son.

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It's Just Raining

Get out! Get out! GET THE HELL OUT! You should've stayed away for good the first time he hit you. He hit you while you were PREGNANT. Think of what else he's capable of. It is much better for a kid to grow up in a broken home than in one with an abusive parent. You WILL find a guy, and he will not hit you. This guy needs Jesus before you should let him around you or you're child. I don't care if you love him or not, because if he REALLY loved you, he would control his anger better. I've not presented any logical reasoning in my reply, save for the fact that hitting you while pregnant shows a lack of morals and compassion and thus he is NOT the type of man to be with. That basis alone is enough to form a good argument for leaving. I can give you MANY stories of people I personally know and love that were in relationships that started like this and ended up in horrific incidents like being thrown from moving cars and raped by an entire highschool football team. I encourage you to get out, and you can turn to me personally for any support that I may provide.

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Michael

194

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I think if you honestly care about your son you'll stay away from him. You're 19 and he's 16 and you're getting hotel rooms to drink beer and hang out,... really? You seem to have a history of making bad choices, that's my opinion. On the other hand, it doesn't mean your future has to be the same; it will only continue to stay the same by your choice.

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Mercurial