I went to see a councilor about social anxiety. She asked me if I’d heard of body dysmorphic disorder because apparently I have a lot of tendencies towards it, like not going to school purely because I feel too hideous and because when I’m there all I can think about is whether people are judging my choice of clothes or my hair. Even when someone is talking to me from an angle which I know is one of my worst angles, I concentrate only on that and not on the conversation or the person. I’ve been feeling really bad about it lately so I haven’t been going to school for a week because the idea of getting on the bus in front of everyone is too terrifying, and so is the idea of being in the study area and classrooms with other kids who are prettier and thinner than me, and who have friends.
My mum knows about this, and when she asks me why I’m “being like this” I say it’s because we moved cities when I said I didn’t want to, and now I’m away from my friends and I can’t make new ones. I started comfort eating when we moved, and put on some weight which is why I’m overly self-conscious to the point that it seems ridiculous – and I know it is – but there’s nothing I can do because I just want to cry and throw up my entire life. Even worse, my knees and hips started getting really painful when I do exercise and the doctors just told me to wait for them to heal, but that was last summer.
After telling her this she still keeps yelling at me saying I’m being rude to my family when they’re trying to help (by that I mean I don’t really talk to them – I’m not actually verbally being mean,) and saying I’m being childish because I didn’t try making the most of moving or making new friends. This makes me want to cry even more because I did genuinely try, for months, but my self esteem and all my other worries/insecurities got in the way and I just got more and more depressed and lonely.
Any advice about what I can do to make myself happier?