My brother is a stranger….

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My brother and I haven’t had a relationship since we were children. We literally grew up in different places. He was in a lot of trouble growing up, in and out of group homes, jail, rehab. I spent most of my teenage years helping my parents dig him out of some disaster. He has been extremely hurtful to me both physically and mentally over the years. About 7 years ago he was evicted and my parents took him in after not living with them since a teenager (he is now late 30s). He’s never left and I am tired of him taking advantage of my parents. My father doesn’t get involved, as he doesn’t want to argue at his age. My mom is guilt ridden for the way her son turned out. Now about 2 yrs. ago he met a girl online, within 3 mths she moved into my parents house and she is expecting a child in a month. I was told about the baby by my parents not him. I also believe I was invited to their baby shower because my mom asked them to invite me. I am very hurt and upset. I can’t stand the girlfriend, I never have had a relationship with my brother and now with a baby, I don’t want to upset my parents by being so detached but I am tired of my selfish, leech of a brother who really could care less about me at all. We don’t celebrate holidays together, we don’t speak or text, in fact when my mom had surgery this past summer she had to come and live with me not stay in her own house because she didn’t feel comfortable enough to recuperate there with my brother and his girlfriend. Am I obligated to suddenly be a part of my nephew’s life when I have absolutely nothing to do with my brother or his gf? I don’t know if now I am being selfish and unreasonable, I just have been taken advantage of and hurt by him too many times that I just don’t know what the right thing to do is?

Category: asked November 9, 2013

2 Answers

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By the looks of things, your brother is one hell of a slob. His girlfriend, I'm guessing, isn't the best person either. Under these conditions, either one of two possibilities could happen. One possibility is that the parents will treat their child badly, causing him to grow up as a delinquent or maybe even suicidal (the latter may be an extreme, never the less possible). The other scenario is that your brother will be so awful of a parent, that the baby may be taken from them. The most likely person to inherit this child would be you, as he doesn't seem the type to have close friends, finding his girl on the internet and all. However, both situations have the fact that your brother would be a bad parent. Having children changes a person. He could be a great parent, but in my experience, people in these extremes don't change their habits over night. The most important thing to do is watch out for this child. He seems to have the unfortunate fate of being your brother's son. Keep and eye on him, check on him to see how he's doing, give him advice, in short: be the cool aunt. He will love it and you, especially if he doesn't love your brother. I truthfully hope this helps you. Good Luck!
1
I guess the first thing that pops into my mind is: don't blame the child. Yes, your brother sounds awful and I'd have nothing to do with him either. His girlfriend sounds just as charming. The child, however, has a slight, slight chance of turning out alright. Of course it's not your responsibility whatsoever. However, as someone who works with children myself, I have to say that any time I have the opportunity to teach them self-respect, compassion, worldliness, etc. I take it. You can't change your brother. But if you're going to be in the child's life, the best you can do is be a good influence and a bastion of stability. You're not obligated, but if you feel the need, that's what I would suggest. The smallest seed of influence can turn out to grow very rapidly, especially if that child has some of the same genes as you. :)