Okay so I’m female and me and my best friend– who is also female, kiss sometimes.
We dated for awhile, (September/October 2012) it never really went past hand holding and spooning. I broke up with her to pursue someone else (that’s just how I am, people are used to my fleeting affections). We stayed best friends, still hung out all the time, though there was always that underlying attraction there and we were a little closer and more physically affectionate than your average friends, I chalked this up to the fact that I am an extremely touchy-feely physically affectionate person.
The kissing started once I had started a relationship with the person I broke up with her for (October/November). I don’t even remember why it happened or what brought it on, for the sake of the story I’ll say it was a combination of the late hour, teenage hormones, and internet access. Anyways we kissed a few times, it was her first kiss, I was in a relationship, it was hot, we both enjoyed it, that’s it.
After that we continued kissing, not every time we spent the night at each other’s houses but fairly often. It would always be at night, in bed, the lights would be off.
My relationship with the person I dumped her for ended after a month and we kept kissing, and as just kissing always does it eventually evolved into making out and tentative boob touching. It was a nice way to explore and to feel good, we never really spoke about it but as time wore on we gradually did it more and more often. I got into another more serious relationship in December 2012 and the kissing cooled down for a while, but never completely stopped, after that relationship ended in April 2013 it was back full force.
Over the summer we had a fight and didn’t talk until mid-September, at that time she wrote me a letter saying she was in love with me and missed me, but by that time I was pursuing a different girl so we never really talked about it. Our friendship picked back up and I eventually began to date the other girl that I had been pursuing– I just realized this, I’ve never really been rejected, that’s SWEET. Me and my best friend still kissed, by that time it had been a year since the kissing started (November of 2013, almost to the end of the story!)
I got bored of the relationship I was in after like 2 months (like always) so I ended it. Around this time I began to really acknowledge that I might have feelings for my best friend, being that I kissed her through over a year and 3 relationships.
One night she was over at my house and we started talking about this guy who she was totally obsessed and in love with who treated her like shit. I was making dinner and I started crying, like violent sobs because it sucked that I had all of these feelings and she seemingly didn’t and she was letting this guy walk all over her. I went into the bathroom to calm down and acted like nothing happened when I came out, then that night we kissed and afterwards I rolled over to face the wall and cried until I eventually passed out from exhaustion.
After that I started being more reluctantly to initiate things with her because I’m scared of rejection and I’m trying to figure things out. I’ve been trying really hard to understand my feelings for her. I’m the kind of person who has a hard time separating romantic and sexual feelings from friendships, they are all sort of the same thing to me. She always talks about wanting a boyfriend and I don’t understand why she feels like she needs a relationship so badly when we practically act like we’re in one as it is. It really hurts when she talks about guys and I don’t really know why it hurts so bad, but I never let it show.
Once we were talking about our sexualities I was saying how so many people are so sexy and I jokingly said the my sexual orientation was “yes please” she went on to say that she loved boys and I gave her a look and then she said, something to the effect of “the only girl I like is you.”
Around that time (a month ago??) we kissed during the day, just a few pecks, and it happened the next couple of days after that.
Today we were talking about how we both felt we couldn’t be honest when we talked to therapists and how we’d fixate on one thing that wasn’t really the problem, I told her that I talked to my therapist about her a lot and she said she didn’t really talk about me and I said I know and then word vomited about how I know it doesn’t mean much to her when we kiss but that it’s kind of a big deal to me and how it hurts when she talks about wanting a boyfriend because I want to be enough for her even though I know I can’t.
I have no idea where that came from but after I said it I realized it was true and now I don’t know what to do because all she said was “oh” which really made me confused because in September she said she was in love with me and like a month ago she said she liked me.
I’m really sorry for this fucking long ass post but this is like two year of hanging out constantly so this it like minimum details. I just want some guidance and help and an outsider’s perspective.
