I didn’t know who my Mom was until I was 7.5yrs old & went to go live with her. Until then,may grandparents had been my parents. Growing up with my MOm was very difficult as she was home only about 25% of the time. I was often home alone from the time I woke up til about the time I went to sleep. This started at age 7. By the time I was 12/13 I knew that I couldn’t depend on my Mom because she was never around & if I did try to go to her with any problem, she always said she didn’t care or she was always more interested with her boyfriend. Because of this I never felt comfortable talking to my Mom. So at about tthe age of 13 she began reading my journals to know what I was up to. I found out about this early on, & then really never wanted to talk to her.
When I was 17 I met the love of my life & we were together for a long time. When we had been together for 4yrs I was 21. He & I had plans on getting married & my Mom was VERY vocal about her feelings being against us getting married. She was vocal to everyone & as much as possible.This went on for about a year. At one point my fiance was confused about something between us & he went to her for advice. (It had to do with a night job I had) She told him all sorts of stuff (mostly lies) that was none of her business & also led him to believe that I didn’t love him & was cheating on him (which wasn’t even going on). This caused a huge strain in the relationship between he & I. Because I had never known my Dad, & had never gotten any approval from my Mom, I followed her advice as if everything she said was godly. I was so starved for love from her. So when she said to not marry him over & over & that I was only 22 & that I needed to date other people. Wait til I was 30 to get married, I felt pressured into not marrying him or I’d lose my Mom. I kept fighting my true feelings thinking she wouldn’t advise me of anything that wouldn’t be in my best interest. Long story short, he & I broke up because of what she told him, & what she was telling me. Even though he & I cried together so many times because we wanted to be together. It was as if she was the puppeter & we were her puppets.
After this happened I spiraled out of control for the next few years & got heavily into partying to try & forget him. About 3yrs later I finally met someone else who made me happy again & I fell in love. By this time I was almost 26. During this new relationship I became pregnant. We were happy & I was waiting to tell people til I was 16wks since I had suffered 2 miscarriages with my ex fiance(1 being at 12wks & 1 being at 14wks). Thinking my Mom was past reading my private journals, I was caught off guard when she came to me asking if I was pregnant. I was so shocked that she knew that I didn’t even ask her how she found out since only the dad & I knew. Well, she had me so off guard I was shell shocked & very vulnerable. She screamed at me for over an hour telling me I wasn’t smart enough to raise a child, that I’d have no way to support the baby. She never once asked me what I wanted, or what the dad wanted, or even if we had plans (which we were in the middle of making our plans). Well, being 4mos pregnant & hormonal & having her tell me all this, I once again wanted her approval so badly. She basically talked me into aborting my baby when I was 15wks pregnant. It was a terrible time. Due to this, it led to the dad & I breaking up, & me just shutting down. Once again she had meddled into my life as if she were the puppeter & I was just a puppet so eager for her to love me & be proud of me. With this I went further into the partying scene & drugs to try & block everything out.
I’ve never been able to forgive myself for aborting that baby I wanted, or not standing up for myself & marrying the man I loved so much & still do to this day.
As it turns out he commited suicide almost 6yrs ago. I know that it couldn’t be all because of me but I’m sure our situation was part of it. I went on to marry someone I never really loved just to spite her. I never had the nerve to tell her how I felt & how she ruined my life. I’ve suffered tremendously due to trying so hard to get her approval which I will never get. I just blocked everything out. It’s been the only way that I could handle talking ir seeing her which is still very rare since she moved away to Europe. However, in the past 6mos I’ve finally been pointing out to her in emails how HER projecting her feelings on to me has affected me. She has just acted as if nothing was ever said & hasn’t even bothereed to tell me she was sorry or even that she had no idea. I dunno what I hope to accomplish but Id like for her to at least acknowledge what she did & how it messed up my whole life. I’m lost. I dont really know what my actual question is but I guess I want to know if it’s wrong for me to want her to answer for her actions. Thank you so much & sorry this was so long. I appreciate ANY input.
