male married with 3 kids. should I walk away?

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Love my three kids and I will never abandon them. The wife and I are having many issues and now she is emotional attached to someone else. I think I am putting up with a lot of stuff from her just trying to work it out for the sake of our kids. I really don’t want my kids with a broken home. But I am getting so tired of her comparing me to someone else. I am trying to be as mature and open minded as I can. But, can’t help to feel like running away and moving on with my life and kids. She says I am not ambitious and successful (like the other guy is) I know we lost the spark after having the kids and I know I have some issues to work on. I am trying to see a marriage counselor but she is so firm on wanting to experience other people that I don’t think the counselor would be much of any help. She is so reluctant to see a counselor and always defending the other guy. She said she is not going to give that friendship up. Should I walk away and take care of myself and kids?

Category: asked June 13, 2013

2 Answers

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I am no more than 23 years old, I have not got kids, not a wife and as of recently not even a girlfriend. But I am a child of "a broken home". I have two younger siblings, and our parents broke up when I was around 11. It was for the better. I love my father and my mother, of course, but I did not love the last of the time they were together. My sister was only four or five at the time, so it did not have much of an impact on her, as she did not really understand the situation properly before she had grown accustomed to the new. My two years younger brother an myself however were in the red zone in terms of possible issues, but we did not experience any trauma. We just understood that, while painful, it was the only way.

If you think it is better for you to leave your wife and give your kids the life you are able to give them alone (or at least without their mother around all the time), I'd say you probably are a good enough father to pull that off perfectly. The only issue might be the social complications of either having to change schools or maybe you live in an area where divorce is frowned upon, which might get your kids in trouble at school.

As a last thought: if some of, or all three of, the kids are "old enough", maybe they deserve to be a part of the decision? Kids are not small adults, but they have thoughts and desires; on some things they might have strong opinions that might even help you.

In any case, I wish you good luck!
Ghini
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I would see the marriage counselor with her, and get her to go. If you want to stay together for the kids, I think you need to try this. And if she wants to work the marriage out, she should be willing. I would not discount it saying it won't help. Even if she is set in her ways, the way she is acting is not right, and I think that she is not hearing your desires. A counselor can help you express your desires, and hopefully guide her to a way to treating you better.

I don't think it would set a good example for the children anyway to have a mother who is acting like this. What does this teach them about how a relationship should be?

I certainly would not want to expect that the person I'm with is going to compare me to someone else. That makes one feel horrible about their own selves. And that is not what a relationship should be about. Another person should not be brought into the equation. If she is unhappy with something about you, she should say what she is unhappy about with YOU, not compare you to someone else. I feel at times it's a double standard, because I do not know about other women, but I know if my s.o. compared me to someone else and said he wished I would be like that, I would be incredibly upset. It would make me feel that he would rather be with someone else than me. And I wouldn't dare do the same to him out of fear of causing the same sort of pain to him.

Also, does she want you to be successful or happy? I would think the latter is what a person in a healthy relationship should want for their s.o. If money is an issue, that's something to talk about. But I do not think the way she is going about it is healthy or respectful to you. I would see the counselor because you guys are having some big issues and she does not seem willing to hear you out or meet you half way.

If you choose not to see someone, then I do think you need to talk to her. You need to tell her what your needs are and how she is hurting you. Try to make her imagine how she would feel if you were doing the same thing to her. Ask her how she would feel if you had a woman friend you communicated to just as much, and told her how you wished she would act more like her. I hope she has a heart and can hear you out. I mean she is seriously damaging the trust and respect between you.

Also I feel personally that if you are married to someone and one person feels a relationship is a threat to the marriage, then the other person has an obligation to terminate that relationship if it is of the opposite sex. How could you not feel threatened when she is comparing you to him and saying he is better? That's just my opinion though and I feel others may not feel that way.