is this wrong? what should I do?

0

I am in my early 30′s, and my daughter and I have been staying with my mom and step father since my husband & I divorced a few years ago. I have grown increasingly worried about the interaction between my step dad and I. He would rub my back a lot, which seemed innocent enough at the time, but then progressed to him rubbing my butt, my inner upper thigh, and touching/squeezing my breasts. I have told him on multiple occasions that I was uncomfortable with this and it stopped for a while, but would inevitably happen again. I had mentioned it to my mom, but she kind of brushed it off. I guess recently he admitted to her what had happened, but he made it sound as if it were a mutual thing instead of him touching me inappropriately and me telling him to stop. Now they are both acting as if it’s my fault, & that I provoked him. I don’t wear revealing clothing or act in a way that should give people the wrong idea. I am actually quite uncomfortable around most men in general and try to avoid interaction with them if possible. Is this considered sexual abuse? Is it my fault? What should I do?

Category: asked May 28, 2015

6 Answers

6
No love, it was done to you, if anyone's at fault it's your step father. He's the one who kept on initiating contact and touching you, even after you firmly told him no. And he continued, without consent. That right there is assault, and that is never okay. Perhaps your mom didn't fully grasp the reality of it, sometimes we believe what we want to, but the truth is that it happened, and now you're uncomfortable being in your house.

I strongly suggest you talk about it with someone, just to get it out there and deal with what happened with someone who can listen without judgement. Reporting it to the proper authorities as well like the other one before me suggested. The real question here you should ask yourself is; What is the best thing for my safety and wellbeing? As well as your daughter's of course. Can you stay there, or would it be better if you found your own place?

I hope things turn out for you.
3
Absolutely not your fault at all. Even if you did wear revealing clothing, it wouldn't be your fault. He is 100% responsible for his actions. It is wrong on every level and the fact that you have asked him to stop and he hasn't makes it worse.

It is inappropriate and it's important that you take steps to make sure it stops. Definitely report him to the police and even a counselor if you want and also consider if this is the best place for you. Consider your safety and your daughters. He is sexually harassing you and it needs to stop before it gets worse. Your mother is in denial it sounds like. She should not be brushing it off. She should be concerned about his behavior and acknowledging that it is extremely inappropriate and wrong.

I hope you are able to report these incidents and that he doesn't get away with his repulsive behavior. You and your daughter's safety should be your top priority. I hope things work out. Please feel free to contact me if you want to talk more.
1
This is not your fault at all. It is his own for doing vulgar actions. Your mother is not helping the situation by brushing it off or accusing you. You need to know that his sexual harassment is not your fault. You should report him to the police or to a counselor who may be able to help you better understand the situation at hand.
1
This is a totally normal reaction of someone caught. They try to divert blame onto others. I would sit down with your daughter and make sure that nothing inappropriate has happened there. That would be my first worry. Also, the next time he tries I would loudly call him out, no matter where we were so that it is known thT it is not mutual. Also I would look into trying to get a place of your own...a safe place. Good vibes to you, I. Always here to talk.
1
Thank you all so much for all of your advice and reassurance! I did have a talk with my daughter and much to my relief my stepfather has not had any inappropriate interaction with her. For both her safety and mine we will be moving in with my best friend and her family shortly after my daughter is done with school for the summer. I am also planning to seek counseling in the near future and hopefully that will help me decide where to go from there.
1
@bumblebee, first off, yes this is considered sexual abuse and no, it is NOT your fault. The fact that your mother seems to be ok with this since he confessed to her, makes me wonder if she has experienced some abuse herself. Also, the fact that he continues, knowing that his wife now knows, and she acquiesced I would be concerned about your daughter as well. I understand how this situation can be very hard for you, as moving out may be an expense that you may not really be prepared to undertake, but you need to be safe, and so does your daughter. He is most definitely in the wrong and he may feel that you "owe him" since you are living there. Abusers will make any sort of reality in their head as to why it is ok for them to continue. There is also the fact that most abusers will escalate the abuse at some time. This can come in the form of his going from groping to attacking you in a more aggressive way, or him starting to abuse your daughter. Once he learns that what he has done has no real consequence, he will move on to the next step. He has a problem, and he is trying to make it your problem. I do hope that you are able to leave that situation, and find the strength to move out, even if it means a women's shelter for a while. There is never an excuse for his type of behavior. No excuse for Abuse. Stay safe, stay strong and seek help in getting yourself and your daughter away from this man.