We have been together for almost 4 years now.He’s my first boyfriend (I have trust issues) and I am his first serious girlfriend.
We both come from fucked up families (mine multiple parents’ devorses with physical and mental violence ,and him with parent’s long-term desease that changed their life and with mental violence).
We attacked each other from the start,we were steaming off our rage on our relationship.I am so ashamed of that ,of what I was.We were screaming,throwing and breaking things,even pushing and light hitting each other,cussing all the time.
We decided to change.
I changed my life.Left college I hated,and finnishing nursing school,so I could work while I study.I am really depressed,I lost the only family member I loved few months ago,my health is getting worse (waiting for papers to go to appointments to many specialists),my stepmom is abusing me all the time and uses me as a cleaning lady.
He’s working full time job he doesn’t like very much but needs the money for his education.
Now,we come to the important part.He is disapointed I left college and says he doesn’t mind me being a nurse to pay for my school,but he always cusses and screams at me that it was stupid idea and I can see he is ashamed.I helped him for 3,5 years financialy,and now when I need him,he’s not there.He didn’t even pay me back the money he owes me.
He buys everything for himself and I understand that and why (he didn’t bought himself anything for a very long time),but it’s getting out of hand.
I have no money income but yet I still have money for his cigars,for his food when he’s hungry,for snacks.I give him my last cent and he still asks for more.
He’s always on the internet and has no time for a decent call from me to hear about his day,to tired to even talk to me about just “what’s up?”.
Interupts me always during conversations,so much that I don’t feel like talking to him anymore.Angry for all the little things he does the same but doesn’t care (talking during movie for example).
I tried to change everything.I bought some books about self control,talked to psychiatrist,calmed myself down.Didn’t had a fallout for months now.
But it’s getting worse and worse.Cannot talk to him,always calls me stupid or ignorant,cusses me all the time (if we misunderstand about time and place or something).When I get angry he says “Aww,you look so cute when you’re mad.” and starts hugging me and similar and I want to explode.I ask him for a few minutes alone to steam off,no can do.
Have to wait him to finish his job to see him (I finish earlier with my errands,wait him for at least 2h everytime),and then he goes to gym and leaves me waiting in his room.And I live in another city and have to travel almost 2h in one direction everytime.And then he attacks me I don’t care enough?
I am sometimes affraid to have sex with him because he doesn’t fucking cut his nails all the way (it hurts him so much,but doesn’t give a shit it hurts me) or just “stabs me” and I have anatomical problems with vagina (works itself out after pregnancy) and it fucking hurts,I cried so many times.
When I complain,he says I overreact and I am being bitchy as always.
And yet,he holds my head over toilet when I throw up and makes me tea,we watch cats videos when I am upset,wanted to buy me a new laptop (when he pissed me off,and because mine is dying),shares new bussiness ideas we started building together (we are in the same proffesion now),cuddles with me all the time,buys me favorite snacks,makes me food when gets his paycheck,bought me bunny which he adopted when my family screamed,talk about everything…
And yet I feel so alone by his side.And so depressed.I should study for exams for college,for nurse,and again for these projects on the side.I should exercise also.I have no motivation for anything,even to get up in the morning.
I cut my hair to make myself move forward and I look god damn sexy and amaizing (mine and EVERYBODY’S opinion) and he called me an ugly lesbian.I lose fat and exercise and he still calls me fat and that I made no progress or should not be praised for it because I am nowhere near his accomplishments in that area.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
I feel so alone and unwanted and so fucking confused.
Some days I don’t feel like seeing him at all,or talk to him because he is being a real asshole (sorry for ugly the word).
And he says he’s just joking about all that.
The fuck?!
And he broke all the promises he ever made,evry deal we had,everything.He’s like that with everyone,you cannot grab him for his word,ever.He left me hanging so many times.
I love him.And he is a really good person (his first few paychecks he gave to his parents and to his grandparents to help them out).But he takes me for granted and just puts me in a “just go with it” position everytime.And it fucking hurts.And I don’t know I can take it anymore.
I love him.But he breaks my heart every single day.