Is there any silver lining in this?

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Hi,

So uhm yesterday i was talking to my boyfriend of about two years and found out that he doesnt love me, which he said he did. and that he really doesnt even seem to know what love is. he thinks love is day to day how you feel. I think love is an overall thing. despite him being a stupid a**hole sometimes I will still always love him. and He said he loves me sometimes and he doesnt sometimes because im difficult sometimes. I think he’s wrong. Or am i wrong? I’ve been planning my future life around this friggen lie. Why would he do that. why would he allow me to plan a future together when he really doesnt love me. Theres no in between is there? you either love someone or you dont? Do you think maybe he does still love me and just gets mad sometimes and thinks he doesnt? because i mean everyone gets mad sometimes and youre not going to always like the other person but you should still love them right? Any opinions on what love is. Besides stupid.

Category: Tags: asked November 19, 2013

4 Answers

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You either love someone or you don't. Maybe he is confused. Is he planning his future with you in it? If you don't know ask him. If you have been together for 2 years and he doesn't love you he may never love you. You deserve to be loved. Even when you are being difficult. Sounds like you have some soul searching to do. Saying he only loves you when you do what he wants and act how he wants but not otherwise is a ploy to make you act the way he wants you to all the time. Love is not a bartering tool it is a feeling that either is or is not.
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Love isn't a day to day thing, no. It's your overall affection and caring for that person. You don't stop loving someone when they do something annoying. You might be momentarily peeved is all, but the love is still there.Love, to me- the deepest caring and affection. It's knowing that this person belongs in your future. Not dying without them, but being so much happier with them in your life and being sad at the thought of not having them there. It is seeing them as they are- not oblivious of their faults mind you. It's when you inspire each other to be better people.
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He sounds like he does not know what love is. I totally agree with you- love is the entire thing.. its not day by day. I think he cares about you definitely but he is confused and doesn't understand that love is something people have to work at. I know its hard when he says that kind of stuff to you because it makes you feel like you have done something wrong.. but its not you.. its just his perception is skewed. You will have ups and downs in every relationship and its really sad that some people don't understand that. There is really nothing you can do to help him change his mind either- its just his perception of things. I think the best thing for you is to just focus on you and make yourself happy. Don't worry about him because he has the wrong view of love and you have the right one. I know that's a little harsh but if you cant understand that love is something you work at then you wont ever be satisfied.
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Your boyfriend clearly doesn't have a firm grasp of what love actually is. If he admits that he doesn't know what love is, then he shouldn't have used the word in the first place! You've spent 2 years!! Planning a future with someone based on something he doesn't understand. If you love someone you would do anything to make them happy, and accept them for exactly who they are, even if they ARE annoying you. He's not annoyed because you're annoying, he's annoyed because HE thinks what you're doing is annoying. It's his problem, not yours. It's normal for a couple to get on each other's nerves sometimes, but instead of being passive aggressive about it and saying "I don't like you sometimes." He should just talk to you about it and say "Hey when you do ____, it kind of gets on my nerves. Is there some way that could change? Do you know why you do that?"
This is why I think it's dangerous to say "I love you" before you're ABSOLUTELY sure. Because there's nothing beyond love. I think its possible to fall in love in 2 years, but then what do you say after that? "I REALLY love you?" On a scale of 1 - 10, Love should be 10! If he's not feeling like a 10 consistently, he shouldn't even use the word yet.
The whole time you've both had different definitions of what Love is, and now that you're just finding out his definition is different, you're heart broken. If you want to try and get him to understand love, then it's going to take a lot of work. There's no guarantee that you'll be able to get him to understand. I think it would be better for you to find another boyfriend. Someone who DOES understand love, someone who WILL accept you for who you are, even if you do annoying things sometimes, that SHOULDN'T change how someone feels about you, especially if they're saying "I love you"!
I hope this helps! Feel free to message me if you'd like!
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