Is life a sort of nightmare or what? To me for a very long time, almost more than 8 or 9 years or so, life has never been forgiving. I don’t have any real happy moment for when people ask me to remember. But this is not something that actually bothers me so much. What really bothers me is that life to me is a nightmare from which I can’t wake up. I understand that lot of people face a lot more than I have been but still, it’s too much for me to handle. Over the years what I have come to realize is that for me live presents my worst circumstances on a repeat, like deja-vu and it mocks me to try and change that. I have no other option than to watch it happen all over again and to watch myself crumble over it again and again. Life shows me happiness too, but it has a sense of irony in it. It shows me happiness and right when I take out my hands to reach it, he laughs and takes it away. And over the time I am now terrified to even reach for it. I am terrified of watching myself fail all over again. I so don’t wanna give up but that seems to be like my only choice.
I have always come across something or the other that I can never have, so close and yet so far. I am now sick of this happening with me so many times. In my life I never had anything that stayed with me for long, nothing, everyone has something but I never had that. I need that something that I can hold onto. A kind of surety that this is mine and it will stay with me forever. And I get it nothing lasts forever but I want to have that feeling just for once. And I don’t know how to get that.
I feel lost and hopeless. I have not seen a single good thing happen in my life in so long. And something that even though looks like it, turns out to be not real. I feel vacant, like lost in a cave banging my head on the walls and I cannot find a way to escape it. I try not to show it out but it’s been eating me from the inside. How do I deal with it? How do I stop feeling the way I do? Why can’t I appreciate my life for how great people say it is?
There are a lot of regrets in my life for which I hate myself and my life. And I have hated for so long that I have begun to hold myself responsible all the bad that happens around me. People have told me that I should stop blaming myself for every single thing but I don’t know how I do that.
I need answers. And I am going insane thinking about it and I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t know how to escape that cave. All I know is that I have to get out of that cave, one way or the other. And I don’t want to choose the later, yet again.
