Is it worth trying to get closure from him?


Two weeks ago, I found out that my boyfriend had cheated on me. I wanted to talk to him about it, but he dumped me before then because I was holding off until the other girl could be with us and wouldn’t tell him what’s wrong. But after he dumped me, I told him what I’d learned, and he kept insisting that he didn’t cheat on me. It wasn’t until after I said goodbye and blocked him that she could finally get me any solid evidence. (To clarify, this was a long-distance relationship…) Looking back at it, it’s just a huge shock to me… It’s so hard for me to believe that everything was a lie. I felt like we’d been through so much together. I’m just so confused why he stayed for so long… I felt like I made him jump through a lot of hoops for me. I wanted to break up with him several times, but he’d always make me stay. And there were times when I “friendzoned” him when he wanted to be my boyfriend. I felt like I made things tough for him, so I find it hard to believe that he never really loved me, but one sad truth I know about him is that he’s a great actor. This isn’t the first time he’s lied to me and done it well. I would never get back together with him, seeing how broken we are. But some part of me just wants to ask him how much of us was real… and just to hear him own up to what he’s done, seeing that he doesn’t really have anything to lose at this point. I don’t even expect an apology, just the truth, coming straight from his mouth. I don’t know when or if he ever stopped cheating on me. Two girls have made their claims though. One of them had evidence. From the screenshots from her phone, I found his kik, but I don’t know if he would be willing to talk to me. (Before we broke up, he told me how he was getting a new phone, and seems like he’d done just that after we broke up, so his old phone number doesn’t work anymore.) About a week after we broke up, he changed his kik name to “She’s kinda hot though.” Seems silly at first for me to worry about that, because I know that it’s part of a song, but I feel like this might be a huge sign that he’s already found someone else, and that if I were to try to contact him now, I’d just be the psycho ex to him. The fact that he’s also made many misogynistic comments doesn’t help. It’s just that I can’t seem to get my mind off of this.

Category: Tags: asked August 13, 2015

1 Answer

I'm sorry to hear about your break up and what's happened :( I can only use my past relationship as some grounds for answering your question, even though it isn't the same case, but I hope it still helps. I was in love and in a relationship with this girl for a long time, and it being my first one I was really drawn into the whole experience. When we finally ended things I was heartbroken, and I asked her for some time alone. She wouldn't give me that, but kept pestering me and acting like we were still together. I had to strongly tell her to back off and leave me alone for a while, and from that she began spreading rumors about me and lying about why I told her to leave me alone, even going so far as to bring my other friends into this by lying to them about what I said. I was extremely shocked and devastated from this, and for a really long time I couldn't figure out why she went to such lengths to put me in such a bad light (at the time I felt it was more stabbing me in the back). I doubted whether she actually loved me through that relationship, and if in two days after ending the relationship she could change faces so quickly. As I said before, I know it's not the same situation, but I think my feelings were very similar to yours. For a while I wanted to talk things out with her like I usually had done, and get a solid explanation from her of what the hell her problem was. If she really did love me, then why would she go behind my back in order to make herself feel right? I was so torn, and I wanted to march up to her in school and demand an explanation from her so many times. But as the weeks went on, I came to realize that she really wasn't worth the trouble of trying to get an explanation from her of what she said. She was obviously living obliviously in her own world, and she had a tendency to take things badly if people told her she was wrong, so I did not want to start anything with her. In your situation, I think that the guy may have stayed with you because you were his best/strongest option. He might have liked you a lot, but couldn't contain himself and wanted to have other girls as well. Or if he's as good an actor as you say he is, then it really is hard to ascertain what his motivations are/were. Either way, I would agree that you at least deserve some explanation as to what he was thinking through your relationship and how much of it was real, but I would also say: it's not worth it. I repeat, it's not worth it. I'm sorry if it is tough for you to read that, but especially from how you ended your post, I would say to not pursue his answer. It's bullshit. You might never get the truth from him, and expending energy to try and get it is not worth your time or effort. I honestly think that the best thing for you to do is find ways to take your mind off of him, either by spending time with friends you trust or investing yourself in a hobby of some sort. It helped for me to spend a lot of time around friends, even some really immature ones, because I didn't have to spend so much time alone with my own thoughts. Screw him, just focus on yourself for now. His answer isn't worth the trouble, trust me. I hope you can get your mind off of this soon. Stay strong ~