Is it normal to feel this disgusting?

Hi, for a while now I’ve been feeling like trash. complete and utter trash. I don’t know where the thoughts started coming from but I don’t know

Lately I keep telling/thinking my self I’m so stupid, I’m a fucking idiot, I’m disgusting, I’m gross, etc. I mean my entire being is just….awful. I don’t like myself. I really don’t. sure I like to do fun things, like dress up and do makeup and stuff, but I don’t like MYSELF. My personality.

there’s not one good trait, one redeeming quality about me. I’m in a relationship with a guy and yet I developed a crush on one of my female teachers. I made a sort of “journal” out of one of my notebooks where I write my thoughts, and even love letters to her and to him.

but I feel disgusting doing so. I’m awful. I’m not supposed to have feelings like that for a goddamned teacher who’s probably older than my mother. I keep telling myself I should be happy in my current relationship but….it’s complicated. we’re so fucking shy and I don’t even know how I feel anymore. I’m being selfish, I shouldn’t be thinking this way but I am. I’m disgusting, I keep cussing myself out and hitting myself on the face and head.

Now this is what makes me a really vile human being. the sad part is, I’d rather have someone do it for me. Of course people my age would never do that since for some reason I’m surrounded by great people who put up with me/like me for whatever reason I don’t know. I don’t deserve it though! I’m not measuring up to anyone or anything and I’m just awful.

People treat me so nicely but they shouldn’t. I’m happy. I’m fine, I just don’t like myself. There are so many things I want to do yet I don’t even know what’s holding me back from doing them. I love heights. I want to climb shit. I want to climb the school and chill and relax but of fucking course, I’d get in trouble.

I’m just gross, and to hide how I feel I write my notebook like a mirror, backwards. so the only way someone could read my notes and shit is (unless they can read backwards or whatever) to hold it up to a mirror, I don’t want anyone to know and I don’t know what to do, I’m not sure what I’m thinking really.

I’m sorry, it’s my fault I don’t know what to do. I’m happy but I feel bad I can’t do anything for anybody and I’m a waste of space, im really sorry but I don’t know what to do? is it normal to feel this way? every time I write my teacher a love letter that I don’t send, or think of jumping off of something high, or just anything in general I feel like a horrible human being. I don’t deserve to be surrounded by the people that I am, too, because they’re all amazing but I don’t know what I’m thinking?

asked November 21, 2013

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Ghostly

326

6 Answers

Self-condemnation is an endless cycles. You beat yourself up for something you find disgusting about yourself and in return you don't feel any better, just even more disgusting. A better way to handle it is to examine what makes something or someone disgusting and why? What personality traits do you possess and why do you deem them all worthless? If there are people in your life who you truly value and who also value you...doesn't that make you worth something? Even if you can't bring yourself to like yourself. What causes you to value another human being and what makes you any less valuable than the next person? No one is perfect. We all fall short. So you have to ask yourself - what is so different about you that makes you the ultimate disgusting person that just can't ever be redeemed? If you are feeling selfish about your relationship with the guy then end it. It is not out of the ordinary to develop crushes on teachers because they are in a position of authority and can be very nurturing. I can't really say why you're having those feelings. Only you can really figure it out but you're never going to figure it out by condemning yourself for it. The only way to process our emotions sometimes is to just allow ourselves to look at them and feel them with no judgment. You can decide later if they logically make sense or not or if you think they are good or bad. But allow yourself the opportunity to examine the reason behind your behavior. That's all. You'll feel better and lighter for doing so. It's easy to get confused sometimes. That is normal.

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Vivid Melody

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@limitless What a, i lying to myself about? wjat? i just dont like myself i dont get it im not lying about anyign escept the fact that im a goddamn idiot

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Ghostly

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@Vivid Melody your message makes me want to cry...in a good way idk i just need to grow up maybe, get better but i dont know why i fele badThank tou both so much though, vivid and limitless. I appreciate it really sorry haha

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Ghostly

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I think your biggest enemy is yourself. Remember, nobody is more judgemental of a person than themself. You obviously have some attractive traits, based on the fact that you have a boyfriend and many friends. Your wanting to "climb to the roof" means you don't feel free in school, you would rather enjoy yourself. The teacher thing is just a dirty little secret, an issue we all have that we aren't proud of (granted our secrets aren't always being attracted to our teacher). You just need to control it. I assure you that you are a normal person, were I to know you I would have no issue being your friend. Your only true issue is too much self-condemnation.

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NeuroLogical

i don't know you personally, but let me make one thing clear: you are not a disgusting, horrible human being. you appear to be very self-aware and self-critical of yourself and maybe a little confused, but under no circumstances are you as bad as you think you are. around your age, it's easy to feel lost and completely overwhelmed about things, to feel as if you should behave a certain way or be defined by specific "rules of normal." expectations can weigh very heavily on people, and getting over how i felt i should act has been a really huge hurdle for me to jump. i could be misinterpreting what the real problem is, but i believe you have to cast off expectations and stop comparing yourself to what you think you should be. just be you. i know that's a lot easier said than done, but, really, it's okay to be yourself.

i'm not the best with advice, and i apologize for that! i just saw your question, and it reminded me of myself. i used to be negative and i hated who i was and felt like something was wrong with me and i'd go out of my way to punish myself because i felt worthless and "broken." you appear to have similar feelings, and i just want to let you know you are not a waste of space, you deserve to love yourself, because there is nothing about you that makes you any less deserving than any other human being on the face of this planet. if you ever want to talk, don't be a stranger!

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gelfling

@Katano because i dont know if this ow fucking normal or not and i came here to ask

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Ghostly

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