Ok I get this is a cliche but I’m in love with my best friend, and I get that love is a strong word and I swear this is the only time I’ve ever used it to describe my feelings for someone I could date, but I’ve been pushing this feeling down for more than 3 years now, hell I even think they were there before I realized it because all I ever wanted to do was be around her, talk to her, be with her. I didn’t care how boring the conversation was, if it was with her I didn’t ever want it to stop. But there’s a big problem with this love, with the fact that she’s a girl and I’m a girl. I’m an out and proud pansexual and I have been for awhile. My best friend is, to my knowledge, straight (altho I have thought she may be asexual or aromatic or demi in some way at times, but she’s not one for labels so even if she is I don’t think it’s a topic she’s ready to discuss) but as far as I know she in no way likes girls. So of course she’s the one girl I fall head over heels for. She’s actually the girl that made me come to terms with my sexuality (I had been pushing it down my whole life cause I’m Christian and grew up being told that it’s a sin) so at times I tell myself that I’m not really in love with her I’m just mixing up my feelings with that one moment. Other times I tell myself I only feel this way because she is not the most touchy-feely kinda friend and so I just want a way that she will be more intimate and trusting with me, I’ve told myself so many things on how I can’t possible be in love with her, but at the end of the day I look at her and my breath is taken away and all I want to do is tell her how I feel because she’s beautiful and amazing in every way, but I know she doesn’t feel the same way and that would completely screw up our friendship which is already on the rocks because now I act differently around her and I can tell she notices. I try so hard to be someone she’d like that things get awkward and I can’t remember how we use to be before. I don’t want our friendship to be ruined but I just need to hear her say the words, I need her to straight up tell me whither she could ever like me or not or I won’t stop reading into every little detail of every conversation we have.
This I guess brings me to the second part of the title, I know what I’m doing is stupid and reckless and pathetic but I can’t stop myself. I cut in middle school for awhile but stopped when my mom confronted me about it, but recently I’ve started again. This time I cut cause the marks remind me that only pain can come from loving her, and I know that sounds super stupid, but when ever I look at her I can’t help but fall even deeper in love with her but at the same time get washed over with this heart aching depression because I’ve royally screwed up everything about our relationship and can never have the one I really want with her, so in a weird way when that happens I run my finger tips over the scars and it helps the depression, I don’t know why but it does. I’m totally fucked in the mind and I need to get my mind off of her somehow, please I really need some advice!