In love and self harm

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Ok I get this is a cliche but I’m in love with my best friend, and I get that love is a strong word and I swear this is the only time I’ve ever used it to describe my feelings for someone I could date, but I’ve been pushing this feeling down for more than 3 years now, hell I even think they were there before I realized it because all I ever wanted to do was be around her, talk to her, be with her. I didn’t care how boring the conversation was, if it was with her I didn’t ever want it to stop. But there’s a big problem with this love, with the fact that she’s a girl and I’m a girl. I’m an out and proud pansexual and I have been for awhile. My best friend is, to my knowledge, straight (altho I have thought she may be asexual or aromatic or demi in some way at times, but she’s not one for labels so even if she is I don’t think it’s a topic she’s ready to discuss) but as far as I know she in no way likes girls. So of course she’s the one girl I fall head over heels for. She’s actually the girl that made me come to terms with my sexuality (I had been pushing it down my whole life cause I’m Christian and grew up being told that it’s a sin) so at times I tell myself that I’m not really in love with her I’m just mixing up my feelings with that one moment. Other times I tell myself I only feel this way because she is not the most touchy-feely kinda friend and so I just want a way that she will be more intimate and trusting with me, I’ve told myself so many things on how I can’t possible be in love with her, but at the end of the day I look at her and my breath is taken away and all I want to do is tell her how I feel because she’s beautiful and amazing in every way, but I know she doesn’t feel the same way and that would completely screw up our friendship which is already on the rocks because now I act differently around her and I can tell she notices. I try so hard to be someone she’d like that things get awkward and I can’t remember how we use to be before. I don’t want our friendship to be ruined but I just need to hear her say the words, I need her to straight up tell me whither she could ever like me or not or I won’t stop reading into every little detail of every conversation we have.

This I guess brings me to the second part of the title, I know what I’m doing is stupid and reckless and pathetic but I can’t stop myself. I cut in middle school for awhile but stopped when my mom confronted me about it, but recently I’ve started again. This time I cut cause the marks remind me that only pain can come from loving her, and I know that sounds super stupid, but when ever I look at her I can’t help but fall even deeper in love with her but at the same time get washed over with this heart aching depression because I’ve royally screwed up everything about our relationship and can never have the one I really want with her, so in a weird way when that happens I run my finger tips over the scars and it helps the depression, I don’t know why but it does. I’m totally fucked in the mind and I need to get my mind off of her somehow, please I really need some advice!

Category: Tags: asked January 29, 2015

4 Answers

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Sorry things couldn't be simpler, dear :(. Sometimes love is complicated especially when you're unsure of how the other person feels. But you need to understand that you can't negate the feelings you have for her by cutting. Self harming never fixes anything, it only acts as a distraction from the main issue. Please do not engage in that behaviour, remember that it can only negatively affect your future! I understand it's so much easier said than done, especially based off of how you feel, but that doesn't mean that it shouldn't be said at all.You have to talk to her in a way that makes her understand how you're feeling about her. Your relationship with her right now is like a bleeding cut, the longer you last the worse it will get. If you get an answer from her, it'll give you some closure and let you stop the bleeding. I know this is probably the wrong way to say it, but I think it's adorable that you love her so much ^_^. Especially because she helped you come to terms with your sexuality which is so sweet. If she truly is your friend then she should be able to listen to your feelings.You will never get past this until you know for sure if things can work out, this whole thing is only hurting you. It may be painful if she does not feel the same way, but at least you know for sure. Either way, you need to muster up the courage to talk to her about it. Don't say, "I love you" straight off the bat. Explain to her that you appreciated her helping you and that as time went on, you started to develop these feelings for her. Lead her into it, make her understand little by little how you feel. Just please don't cause yourself pain, it's heart-breaking to hear that you cut yourself to release the pain of your feelings. Don't go down that path again!
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I lack the wisdom to offer any meaningful advice... But your story has touched me and I want to wish you the very best. I know that this is a terrible thing to say, but cutting to remind yourself of the pain of unrequited love is beautiful to me in the most melancholic way. All I can say is that I'm sorry and know you have every ounce of my sympathy. You can message me if you want to talk...
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Okay, I understand your situation and I understand that it sucks so much.

About the self harm: harming yourself is not the answer. Find alternatives. An animal, drawing, writing, a sport, movies, singing, bubble baths, talking to someone.. Anything but harming yourself.

About your friend: I get it, it sucks falling for a straight girl, been there, done that. But honestly, talking to her is the best option. Not even about being in love with her necessarily. Talk to her about who she likes, what she's like. Try to connect with her more. A LOT of girls end up falling for their best friend, straight or not. Also look for signs if she likes you. If you feel like she does like you too, then you can tell her how you feel eventually. It wont ruin your friendship like a lot of people say you will, if she likes you enough (even as a friend) you can work through it.

If you need anything else, please message me. Also, my advice tumblr is here if you need more self harming alternatives or just some positive posts. You can message me anonymously also on there if you'd rather. Good luck darling, stay strong <3
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I'm also in love with my best friend, a chick. I'm a lesbian, but she doesn't know. I feel like she would never want to be around me anymore or have sleepovers. What makes it even worse is that she is my neighbor. I understand how hard that love can be and I know that it physically hurts sometimes. Just stay strong and know that she will always love you, even if it's not in the way you want her to.