I’m not scared anymore, but…

I joined this site a few days ago because this coming Wednesday I’ll be going in to talk to an investigator and make a report about a rape that occurred seven years ago. When I joined, I talked to a few people, but most of them disconnected when I got to the meat of my problem. I’m not afraid. I know Wednesday will suck. I will probably cry during the interview. But I’ll live. I’ll move on. What I’m worried about is after. Being afraid of him and the rape defined my existance for the last seven years. I believed fate made a mistake and he was supposed to have killed me. I never thought I would live passed eighteen because some day he’d realize I was the only witness. It has taken me all these years, because I know I’m finally strong enough to face him by myself since no one did back then. But what then? I never expected to live this long. I don’t really have plans or hopes or dreams. I exist day to day, and while I’m happy with that, I can’t help but think it’s kind of hallow. He didn’t kill me, but I don’t know how to start really living again. I’ve been so bitter and untrusting it almost became a shield. I’m ready to let it go, but without this thing to define myself by, even if it is bad, I can’t help but worry I’ll be left not knowing myself or how to go forward at all.

Category: Abuse Tags: How to live asked October 5, 2014

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Eldawyn

5 Answers

Getting over rape and abuse is very difficult. It is something we as survivors do define ourselves by for a long time. However there ARE other aspects of your life that you can define yourself by. If you are interested in art, or you are a fan of something, maybe you're part of a sports team. Finding something you are interested in, or even something you have not tried before could be the something you define yourself. Once the investigation has been completed and your abuser is punished that should give you some relief. You may feel you don't have any plans, hopes or dreams, but there has been something that has kept you going. A lot of recovery from this is finding yourself again. Fate did not make a mistake, you should be alive. You will find the reason for you being here.

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Taylor6884

120

To update, I made the report today with the authorities where I'm stationed and they are going to send it to the police back in the states. It was surprisingly easier then I expected. For the last two weeks I freaked out, but when I got there I kinda realized how far I've come and how much healing I've done these passed two years since I joined the military. I cried a little, but I didn't ball like I expected. I left the office feeling lighter. Emotionally drained, yes, but somehow it was more of a relief then anything. For the person who said I shouldn't have waited, you are technically right, but also very much wrong. I never reported because A) I was still in school with him and still very much in danger and B) when I did tell my parents and doctors, nothing came of it. I wasn't silent, but those i should have been able to count on did nothing and I was too young to go to the police myself. So there you have it... Tonight I sleep easy, and tomorrow a new chapter of my life begins. I'm not sure where it's gonna lead, but right now it sounds like a pretty grand adventure to begin

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Eldawyn

If you need to talk; my inbox is open. Be strong, the worst is behind you. I promise.

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Swifting

5,256

I do not agree with the statement that you should not have waited to report this (because I know the ordeal for reporting rape cases in particular is a long, stressful road). I am an abuse survivor. I never reported my abuser to local authorities (other than my school guidance counselor and the head of security, which got me nowhere). I do, however, applaud you for being able to do this. It is a huge step. But it does not define you. Letting it go will likely be the first step to learning who you are. Having the weight off your shoulders may help you find your identity. Best of luck on Wednesday and each day after.

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Panpag

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You shouldn't have let it go for so long without involving authorities. But now that you have you need to see it through. He needs to get what's coming to him. You won't feel better until you know he's paid for it.

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MichaelValentine

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