Im sorry for talking about this shit on here. I guess its normal to talk about this stuff but I cant help but feel guilty over it. I’ll try to be short to explain the situation. I might write a lot but I’ll summarize everything in the end for those who dont like reading but dont mind giving advice~
Ive been self harming for 7 years, and I even though I want to quit. I cant stop thinking about it.~
I started in like 6th grade. Things werent even bad then. My parents got divorced and thats about it. Truthfully. I never cared about it. They were separated all the time so It wasnt anything new. I guess Ive always had parent problems. Everyone has those. And in all honesty, My dad and I has issues if you get what I mean. Which made me think the divorce was good (as guilty as I felt for thinking that). I was never picked on at school. Ive always had friends. I like to think I started for attention. Like the cliche bullshit kids pull. Yet I never showed anyone. they were so minor tho. Its funny to me, why I dont rememeber why I started.~
It continued over the years, Getting worse. Cat scratches became cuts, cuts got deeper and finally you hit your first vein. I did in 8th grade. Usually my cuts were deep but I could handle them. I could put a towel over it and It’d stop bleeding eventually. This one didnt, of course. Got it stitched. And I quit for a while. first time I realized it wasnt a small problem I guess. But even after I quit I thought about it all the time. I would miss the feeling. How things just got better and how I wouldnt feel sad or angry anymore just like that. Theres something about spilling your own blood that is so calming. I guess its kinda fucked up to think that. I dont know whats wrong with me.~
The second time I cut too deep I hit 2 veins. One on each arm. (I usually only cut my left arm because It was easier to cut with my right hand). Things were getting heated between my girlfriend and I. We were texting. Fucked up conversation. I just started fucking shaking. Getting chills like I was shivering. I knew what I had too. And I thought one cut wouldnt hurt me. But I just kept on fucking hacking at my arms. I guess I knew I couldnt stop. I hopped in the shower, still going at it. I had to much adrenaline to realize I had already cut a vein I guess (didnt even know until when I got to the hospital) but the second one I knew right away. Ive never seen spill out of me faster. I felt weak almost instantly. Anyway blah blah, got stitches, had to go to “happy place” for a week, got out and things went back to normal.~
Now im here. I can feel the shivering and impulse. Things arent even that terrible and I dont understand why im so fucking angry and sad. Im tired of being this way all the time and I hate myself for it. I feel guilty beyond words for the way I feel. I dont feel close with anyone even though I have a lot of people around me. And I cant help but have a hate for everyone because of the disingenuous shit people always pull. Im not suicidal but I cant help but think how easy it would be to get over this. To get away for good. I wish I didnt latch on to cutting. I wish the shit was some bullshit cliche attention grabber instead of my only outlet to get away from everything even if it for a little while. Id give anything to feel the way I do when I cut but I cant help but think the next time I do Im really going to fuck up. I just need some guidance. Has anyone actually been this deep and got over it?