Im in a bad place again


Im sorry for talking about this shit on here. I guess its normal to talk about this stuff but I cant help but feel guilty over it. I’ll try to be short to explain the situation. I might write a lot but I’ll summarize everything in the end for those who dont like reading but dont mind giving advice~

Ive been self harming for 7 years, and I even though I want to quit. I cant stop thinking about it.~

I started in like 6th grade. Things werent even bad then. My parents got divorced and thats about it. Truthfully. I never cared about it. They were separated all the time so It wasnt anything new. I guess Ive always had parent problems. Everyone has those. And in all honesty, My dad and I has issues if you get what I mean. Which made me think the divorce was good (as guilty as I felt for thinking that). I was never picked on at school. Ive always had friends. I like to think I started for attention. Like the cliche bullshit kids pull. Yet I never showed anyone. they were so minor tho. Its funny to me, why I dont rememeber why I started.~

It continued over the years, Getting worse. Cat scratches became cuts, cuts got deeper and finally you hit your first vein. I did in 8th grade. Usually my cuts were deep but I could handle them. I could put a towel over it and It’d stop bleeding eventually. This one didnt, of course. Got it stitched. And I quit for a while. first time I realized it wasnt a small problem I guess. But even after I quit I thought about it all the time. I would miss the feeling. How things just got better and how I wouldnt feel sad or angry anymore just like that. Theres something about spilling your own blood that is so calming. I guess its kinda fucked up to think that. I dont know whats wrong with me.~

The second time I cut too deep I hit 2 veins. One on each arm. (I usually only cut my left arm because It was easier to cut with my right hand). Things were getting heated between my girlfriend and I. We were texting. Fucked up conversation. I just started fucking shaking. Getting chills like I was shivering. I knew what I had too. And I thought one cut wouldnt hurt me. But I just kept on fucking hacking at my arms. I guess I knew I couldnt stop. I hopped in the shower, still going at it. I had to much adrenaline to realize I had already cut a vein I guess (didnt even know until when I got to the hospital) but the second one I knew right away. Ive never seen spill out of me faster. I felt weak almost instantly. Anyway blah blah, got stitches, had to go to “happy place” for a week, got out and things went back to normal.~

Now im here. I can feel the shivering and impulse. Things arent even that terrible and I dont understand why im so fucking angry and sad. Im tired of being this way all the time and I hate myself for it. I feel guilty beyond words for the way I feel. I dont feel close with anyone even though I have a lot of people around me. And I cant help but have a hate for everyone because of the disingenuous shit people always pull. Im not suicidal but I cant help but think how easy it would be to get over this. To get away for good. I wish I didnt latch on to cutting. I wish the shit was some bullshit cliche attention grabber instead of my only outlet to get away from everything even if it for a little while. Id give anything to feel the way I do when I cut but I cant help but think the next time I do Im really going to fuck up. I just need some guidance. Has anyone actually been this deep and got over it?

Category: Tags: asked October 29, 2014

3 Answers

I've been that deep. Maybe deeper. One day I cut vertically parallel to all sides on the tendons of my arms. I was found passed out on the floor from blood loss and fatigue. I was sent to the emergency room for suicidal tendencies. It was absolutely scary. I was suicidal. But, the moment I felt my death nearing, I was scared. Something I never thought I would've felt from being so near something I've wanted for so long. I was scared to die. The first thing I started doing was, whenever I felt like cutting, I bit myself through my clothes. hard. Enough to leave teeth marks. It felt the same, relieved some frustration, and best of all, better than cutting. If it wasn't that bad, I took a bunch of rubber bands slipped onto my wrist, pulled them back, and let them hit my skin several times. It felt the same too. I felt something. After awhile of doing this, I began approaching some people that seemed nice, were nice to me, and weren't afraid to be a friend to me. Overtime the feeling died out. Sometimes habits come back and I feel like cutting again. But, I automatically go ahead and bite myself through my clothing. It doesn't leave any scars, but it helps me. I've gotten over a large part of it.
To be honest, no. I've never been there. So why should you listen to me, right? I don't know what that's like, so I'm not going to pretend I do but you really want help, so I have advice even if it's not all that helpful. First of all, don't feel guilty. Life is so hard and look how far you've made it already. It's not stupid that you turned to self harm. It's sad, but lot of people do. Anyways, don't be so hard on yourself. You're doing great. Second of all, I think you need another outlet. Like I said, I've never self harmed. But I've thought about it and it scared me like hell. I promised myself a long time ago that I would never turn to that. I've had too many friends who have. So I did a number of things: pacing, tearing up paper or tissues, rubber bands, slapping myself (still kind of hurting yourself, but at least it's not going to kill you), wringing my hands, crying (there is absolutely nothing wrong with sobbing like a baby, okay? at first you feel stupid, but somehow it releases energy in a way I can't explain). Then there were the distractions. First and foremost, writing. I have a typewriter and I reserve it for when I feel either particularly inspired or particularly upset. Whenever I'm feeling any kind of intense emotion, I pull it out and pound that thing with reckless abandon. Write whatever's on your mind. Don't focus on the sentence structure or word choice or any of that crap, just get it all out of your head. It doesn't even have to make sense. When you're done, if you still don't feel better, rip up the paper into a million little bits. Then there's music. Whatever you do, don't listen to sad, relatable music. That's like the worst thing you can do. Either listen to something that's calming or songs that always make you happy. I also write music and that keeps me sane. idk about you, maybe you do sports or whatever. The point is, go do something that you're passionate about or try to go be productive. Focus your energy on that instead. Also, talk to people. There's nothing wrong with getting professional help. Those people know what their doing, they can help you. If you don't feel comfortable going to a real therapist yet, there's this website, which is great because no one has to know who you are or anything or you can make a account and write random crap on there, which is what I did so my friends would stop worrying about me (I used to post rants on account they knew about and they thought I was depressed but I'm not but I sounded like it but anyways you get the point.) So throw away all of your blades. All of them. For good. They don't have a home in your room anymore. Tell yourself that you don't need them anymore. Whenever you feel like you need to cut, do the things I talked about and think about how you want to stop for everyone you love and most of all for you. You're doing this because you want to get better and this is the first step. I know you can do this. You're gonna be okay.
if you can handle the honest truth, watch this video. (i am in no way trying to upset you or trigger you, this video helped me realize what i was doing was benefiting me in no way) (also i know you're a guy but whatever) try looking up some of his other videos if your interested, his is completely and brutally honest (warning)