It sounds like you're confused and getting anxious. I know what you're going through, trust me. As a person who has conquered this confusing depression, I hope you'll take my words and reflect on them. If all advice fails (and it's quite common for advice to fail) then I need you to push on. Keep living because there is a reason you kept going on. If you keep pushing you will notice how something will always come up that makes you want to live. In the end you will be grateful that you got over this and kept living. So much is in store for you and I know it's very hard to see, but it's out there. Be patient. Listen to Snap Judgement, for we find most inspiration in others' stories. Here's a great inspirationalpodcast right here: http://snapjudgment.org/gratitude. It's a small gesture, but the small things add up.
When you think back to when you were three or four, it is quite obvious that a lot has changed. Your body was smaller, your hair was curly, and your personality and mindset was very different. Reflecting back, you find that you've gone through several changes in life. So if you could change in the past, then you can change now. We are constantly different, shifting beings. Change is inevitable, you can't stop it. You will transform to a modified person every so often and you will find yourself liking these changes. You are always improving. You are always getting better.
Of course, I'd also like to bring up on the subject of improving, that recovery is not a steady road. You say that you get better and then worse all of the time, which is completely normal. Recovery is not easy. It's not a straight line to the top. Recovery is the bumpiest of roads. Your car will break down, your car will fall into a pit. Keep in mind that every problem has a solution. Though recovery is difficult, it is very possible to reach full time recovery. Once again, it's hard to see, but it sure does exist. Like radio signals, you can't see them but you know there is someone talking. Do not give up hope. Do not give up on yourself. Have faith that while sometimes recovery seems to come at a halt, it will start again.
As for the insecurity, try pampering yourself. Treat yourself. Buy really nice facial lotion, take bubble baths while listening to music (DON'T listen to sad music, believe it or not, it does not help), buy yourself that skirt you've been staring at from the window for months, and stare yourself straight in the mirror when you are in pain and smile. Even if you are grimacing into the smile, smiling has a wonderful effect on your brain.
I'm proud of you for asking for help. I'm fucking proud that you made it this far. Every cell in your body is working very hard to keep you alive. Your body loves you, it is fighting tooth and nail to keep you alive because it thrives from your existence. One day you will see how unique your life is and how useful you are. You don’t have to shake the world from it's axle, but just make someone's day by sending a nice message, give a homeless guy a dollar, help your grandma cook. We thrive from feeling useful and it sounds like you could use some feelings of success.
Keep in mind that there are so many ways to get help, whether your extent stops at the internet or professional help. Just know there is always help out there. Someone is always waiting, ready for you to call out and help you. People will go to many extends to save you. You don’t have to be alone. It’s hard to tell people about your problems, I know. I know.
This is starting to seem like a ramble. For this I'm sorry, I'm not good at keeping a clear head. Whenever you feel like freaking out, here's a wonderful meditation site I use: http://marc.ucla.edu/body.cfm?id=22. You seem a little panicked. Totally normal, but also treatable. Clearing your head and thinking about nothing often helps. When you focus on the pain it becomes ten times worse.
You deserve to be loved and treated well. You deserve to treat yourself well. During this time, I urge you to respect your feelings. Don't beat yourself up for feeling bad or confused.
You come first. Please talk to me if you have anything else you want to elaborate on.
