I’m afraid to break up with my bf because we have a 1 year old

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Bio
My boyfriend and I are both 22 and have been together for over 4 years and we have a 1 year old. We were happily in love I till the moment he found out I was pregnant.

He gave me so much problems during my pregnancy that I didn’t think we would work out so my parents helped me out and bought me a fixer upper right next door to them when I was about 7-8 months pregnant. We’ll my bf and I ended up staying together and we moved into my parents small, very small back house. It’s now been a year and my house should be done by this month. It was sold in action so bought in cash so I don’t owe anything. And all the remodeling my dad is doing it out of his pocket since he use to build houses and knows how. My parents own a business where I slaved away and gave up my teenage years helping them work since I was 13. I’ve helped so much so it’s not like its free because I worked my ass off for my parents to build a successful business. We’ll my bf absolutely hates living here and tells me every single time we get in a fight. My parents do t get in our business and leave us alone but he still hates it.

I’m mostly a stay at home mom since I only work once a week because he works Monday-Friday from 8-5. I love staying home with our son and he wants me home so our son isn’t raised by a babysitter. I clean, cook, watch our son and he helps by washing his bottles at night (2-3) and he takes the trash out. Every once in awhile he’ll help with laundry too. But whenever he gets mad he always tells me I do nothing all day and he does EVERYTHING! I hate that!!

He always seems so unhappy and angry. When he gets mad he can’t talk like an adult he screams and paces around the room flapping his arms like a crazy person and if I tell him to calm down he just does it more. I’m so over it and sick of his temper that I don’t even care to listen to his bs anymore and just walk away. Of course it doesn’t help but once he gets screaming there’s no stopping him and he’s always right even if he knows he’s not.

Sex life- zero
After my c-section weeks later it still hurt to have sex and then I gained 27 pounds and I just felt unattractive (I’ve lost it now so it’s not an issue anymore) but on top of all that He was addicted to chewing tobacco and it got worse within the last few months that I even stopped kissing him because his breath would always just smell and it grossed me out but he quit last week but from all the fights and put downs I’m just not attracted to him in that way and we haven’t had sex in like 3 months.

I don’t need him. I have income, a home, and parents who help me when I need it. But I haven’t left him because of our son. We fight everyday and sometimes it’s even In front of our son and you can tell our son knows something is wrong because he gets upset and wants me to hold him. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel stuck. I feel like I have to stay because we have a baby but it might not be the best thing either since we fight in front of him.

Some advice would be appreciated
Also my son is very attached to me that’s why I’m afraid to leave my bf because then he’ll be away from me to be with his dad.
Since he was a new born my bf never helped at night and he’s a very heavy sleeper and won’t hear our son cry even if he was next to his ear.
Since our son is 1 and still wakes up atleast once a night will the court still have my son stay the night with his dad? That’s my biggest issue! His dad is such a heavy sleeper so if my son crys at night his dad won’t hear him! We’ve talked about breaking up and how I want my son to still sleep at my house because he’s a heavy sleeper and he tells me that’s not gonna happen and he’ll figure out a way to hear him.

I love my baby soooo much that I’m willing to live in an unhappy relationship until he’s old enough to move out. I’d do anything for my son! I’ll fake a smile for 18 years if I have to but even then I know my son will know that there’s not love between his parents and even though I try to avoid fighting I front of him my bf still doesn’t care and will raise his voice at me I front of him. I just want my son happy.

Sorry it’s so long! My feelings are just such a mess.

Category: asked July 21, 2014

6 Answers

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My uncle and his girlfriend separated when their baby was one. At court, they will probably let your baby sleep with you until he's 3-4 years old. Sounds like you love him so much, and it's better to separate now that he's little than later when he's older and can get into things like drugs and such. Honestly I'm sure your baby won't blame you for separating since all kids want their parents happy and vice versa.
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Wow! I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. Gosh! I could totally relate with you on the rough pregnancy. It's supposed to be the couple's best times. Lots of pictures and lots of love. (Oh! He's jealous because you'll start receiving all the attention, is he?) You're parents are great and wonderful people. Your 'man' sounds like a selfish human. I can't believe that you actually have a home, and he's not happy with it? There's a lot of people out there your age that live in an apartment through Section 8 or still live with mom and dad. Well, he can put his big panties on and get all of you a nice two story home with a white picket fence, right? Because he just gots it like that. What a moron, this guy!!! He's just taking everything out on you. You're trying. We all start from the bottom and work ourselves up, but we work on it together. Selfish! Selfish! Selfish!!! My ex did the same thing to me. Everything started out great until I go pregnant. I have my own home, and my own car. This loser moved in with me saying he would help me out. Lies!!! He was helping himself out with me. I had the worst pregnancy ever. All the happy moments I shared with him out about what I wanted to do throughout our whole pregnancy, he made sure to squash them with his dirty boot. Yes! He would start stupid arguments like your guy, yell, shout, call me awful names, push me around, and when I would cry? He would laugh and tell me to stop my 'fake' crying, and that the baby I carried inside of me wasn't even his. He would walk away laughing, get in the car I bought him, and leave to his mommy's house where he would stay the whole weekend without talking to me. He was evil! He would come back later saying he was sorry and he didn't mean anything he would say. And how much he loved me, and how I was his one and only. It was almost a weekly thing. I would take him back, and the cycle would start again: Honeymoon phase (happy together-us against the world), his anger would start, a communication barrier, abuse (pushing, slapping, hitting, calling names), victim feels like she's walking on eggshells (does everything to try not to make him upset like not tell him about how she really feels)...and then, the gaslighting. I love you! I didn't mean to hurt you. Buys you flowers, jewelry, or perfume...and the cycle starts all over again??? You accept him back thinking it's not going to happen again. Yeah. I went through all of that. I would like for you to research sociopaths, narcissists and psychopaths, and why we attract people like this. I know! I know! You're going to think that sociopaths are killers or something. There's different levels of sociopaths, and so on. As soon as I realized what I was dealing, sweet heart, I kicked my narcissistic sociopath to the curve. He's back with his mommy now where he belongs. She obviously made him this way. She can keep him. Do this for your health because this sort of abuse will make you sick. I ended up with high blood pressure. OH, and I'm doing FANTASTIC on my own with my daughter. I've never felt happier!!! Sure, he gets to see her every other weekend, but I arranged for the visitations to be supervised. I highly advise you hire a lawyer so that you feel comfortable with the arrangements with your son. Take no crap from no one, my dear! You got this!
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I think I missed something here, so maybe you can help me out. If you and your boyfriend split, why on earth would your boyfriend keep your son and not you? Your bf doesn't seem like he wants him, so I doubt that is of much concern in the grand scheme.

That being said, I think that you're in a terrible situation and the only reasonable thing to do would be to end it. I am not a believer of staying together for the kids in most reasonable situations, but in this situation, where someone is being at the very least verbally abusive, I would say to kick him out and be glad to be rid of him. While he sounds both immature and unsupportive, it also sounds like his verbal abuse could easily escalate into physical abuse to both you /and/ your beautiful son, and that would be my primary concern. You may be saying "No, No....he's not like that, he'd never do that....", then go over what you read, because the fact that he's pacing and flapping his arms while yelling at you just screams that he's got some nasty energy that needs a direction, and it's got nowhere to go - until the moment it accidentally finds you, or even worse, your son.

Get him out of your house and be thankful you did it sooner rather than later. By doing this it actually WILL be showing your son just how much you love him. All the Best.
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I know its hard to stay with somebody who is like that, but i believe you should really consider the life of your son. the best thing to do (in my opinion) is to talk to your bf and rally try your best to work things out. having separated parents really impacts children, and if you could make things work like they did, it would be best for him. give it a try, but if things dont work, then you may need to go your separate ways. i really hope you find a solution xx
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My parents divorce when I was 12. And I think if you are unhappy now, and you don't think it will change soon, than your 1 year old can't be happy. Children can feel it if there is something wrong with there parents. But one very important question you need to answer to your self is, if your bf is a good dad for his son, or if you think I wouldn't be such different if he only see his son at the weekend.I would sit down with him, and ask him what he think, what needs to be changed so he could become happy. Both of you need to write it down, and than you need to figure out if you are able to fine a way in between your both wishes that toe three of you can become happy. If you will fine a way that satisfies for both of you, it fantastic.You need to find a that way that makes all of you happy.
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Sosorry for sounding rude... I wanna tell you, both of you lack understanding too, both of you lack love too... both of you lack so many things in a relationship... I may not be a mom or a dad, but that is how I lived with my family... If you gave a little understanding about he is a heavy sleeper...then that issue would have been brought up... with you saying that he said he will try hard... you should have believed... but it sounds that you doubted it... my mom always hear that none is done by her at home... but my mom said "he works everyday, he is just stressed..." even when she badly hurt about it... my mom gave an understanding... she still takes care of him... at home or not... and that is love... and it is stupid for you to fake a smile for your son... its not your baby who should be considerate(your smiles) but its you who should be considerate(that lying for him is piercing his heart) like you did something bad or his sake.. you were hurt for his sake, he will then feel guilty about it... it may not happen ,but possibility is great... my little brother feels guilty at times that she is being "reprimanded" while i do too at times... you said you stopped kissing him because he smells... then you should have give in a little... you dont give him kissx you dont have sex... where was he MUTUAL LOVE...the fact tjat kisses means same feelings... it was erased on him by you... now he'll look for sex... if you have given him basic love things like kisses, then t should have not reached that sex... you said you don't need him, then stop blubbering about it and be like the father... work for 6 days... your time for him.. where was it... if you need him then love him... don't plant grudges on yor heart... because you plant so much.. you hated him... and what kind of parent are you if you depend on your parent... what will you be when theyre gone... youll find another husband, work hard, or chase over him again? staying may not be the best thing... but who told you leaving was the best thing... OVER ALL, YOU ARE SAYING subconciously that the baby was the reason why the both of you fought...it may not be for you but maybe the baby would feel it when he grows up asking where is dad? and when hes grown up, youll throw him out so that you will not live an unhappy relationship... its weird like the child would sau after 17 years... why did they broke up wen I am 18 already... well if youll say that hes a grown up and he will not care... that makes you a bad mother...all in all... breaking up wasnt a dilecision... it wasnt a choice nor an option... you are not thinking about how to avoid fights... you are thinking how to stop fights permanlnently... well, stopping a fight isnt any better than avoiding... if you stops fight... then youre not a normal family it can be... the fight are use for the betterment of a family... so just think about a solution on avoiding... not about stopping permanently... if you want your son happy, dont sacrifice... just contain the suffers... understand more and be considerate... all your bf's fault are misunderstanding your job at home... but to tell you, you were much more lacking than him... the moment you said youd take your son... is the moment he thought... you are Selfish and doesnt love him anymore(well the fact he doesnt agree is the fact he also loves his son)... well, actualy you are selfish and overconfident etc... i mean, who said you were the one who should take the child... no one aside from you and (sorry to be rude) those stupid people... no one must deprive your bf about his love to his son... it sound like he didnt accept the break up, and that means he want a complete family... he was bad mouthing your works... then maybe try to reflect upon it too... maybe you really were not doing good... if you were to try and try, suffer and suffer until you find why he was shouting at you... then that itself will be a solution... you do things about the roots not the fruits... you said you tried avoiding fighting infront of your child... and he doesnt care? well, how did you know, did he say I dont care, at what kind of avoiding did you do... did you go off scene or did you try to tell him that your son was there... boys are very emotional, yet emotionally weak, they would set aside those other feeling if the anger was overwhelming him... again the heavy sleeper issue, if he doesnt wake up, then isnt it your duty to wake up and fill in the things that is lacked by your husband... and harsh fact behind everything... your bf loves your son more than YOURS... why, because you thought of an escape, while he never did, despite you hating him... before you down my answer, reflect on everything... like would I be rude in answering if nothing was wrong... well, I want you to reflect things... and if you have, tell me... even if you bad mouth me, i won't care... well, still I wish I helped....