I want people to actually care about me. I’m never enough.
Is it weird/wrong that I want something bad to happen to me so people notice me? So I finally feel like people care about me? I feel like the love I get is never enough, or that I’m not worth that love, and maybe if I’m falling apart, they’ll really care and really love me. If I finally bend enough that I break, that they’ll notice me; really notice me. Maybe if I crumbled right in front of them, they’ll stop talking about how I’m so strong and how I’m unbreakable. But I’m already broken, not completely, just cracked. I want to be hurt, or be in the hospital so they notice me. I want to see who really cares, cause it feels like maybe 4 people do. I feel like I’m never enough, like I’m always disappointing everyone somehow. I hate feeling like this.
I can't speak for what is normal. But I can tell you that Ive been there. There is nothing wrong with wanting love and attention but the thoughts you are having are dangerous and there are no two ways about it. All of the people who say you are strong are more correct then you give them credit for. You are, its harder to see it from the inside but its true. But if you really want people to act like you say there is one thing you can do (besides breaking) you can tell them how you feel about it. You have to let them in to help, the reason people say you are strong is because that is what they see. I know with me people were afraid to get close because i acted like i didn't need them. Its scary but if you want people to be close to you you have to let them in and that means showing some vulnerability. Having been in the place you are i can say that breaking is temporary at best because they will expect you to get back on your feet and not need them after. Let them in and they will be there for you. All the best