I think i’m fcked up.

I am a 15 year old girl and i am really fucking confused right now.
I always liked dark and messed up things, it just kinda gave me a kick.
Of course it got worse when i got older, also because i got used to it.
I like seeing gore and people i dislike suffering.
I never had any child trauma i think, i always been a fcked up child.
When i was little i used trow my self of the stairs to get attention from my mom.
My first time being turned on was when i was like 10 and i dreamed of 2 people being forced to fck each other.
Other then that my parents are divorced, that didn’t go that easily thought, involved cops and shit.
Dad cheated some times, i know that because 2 kids from 2 different women popped up who were born in years my parents were still together.
I’m pretty sure almost everyone’s parents cheated ones or twice even trought not everybody wants to admit that. I don’t drink or use drugs that much, mainly cause i don’t really like partying. I did do stupid shit like self harming.
There was a scene on the show the walking dead (<- fcking love that show)
were there was a boy almost getting raped and i really liked that scene and i was like: shit i really wanted him to get raped. Also when i watch porn i prefer the bottom not totally agree with it. Really fcked up i know.
I never really had a problem with the fact that i trought like that.
But a view days ago i watching a gore show, and my mom was there.
She was a shocked by that shit. She told me i am going to hell if i keep watching such things. I don't believe in god, in fact i always make fun of religious people.
But in the back of my head i'm like what if it's real because then i'm totally fucked. She showed my pics of a lil girl who had a near death experience and painted jesus reaaaaallly good. And i was like shit what if this is real.
I mean if it really exist there's no way i'm going to heaven unless i change my ways (also cause i'm a fag, and the church says that fags don't go to heaven). The thing is, i don't want to change my ways because i love life how it is now where i can do things and watch things i like without going to hell.
But on the other hand, an eternity in hell is a long fking time.
I am now looking online for things that can get me to believe that heaven and hell is all bullshit. I think atheism is waaay more logic then religions. But if there wrong nothing happens ,and when were wrong were fucked.
So yeah i'm pretty fcking confused right now, so if anyone can help me out that would be nice.

Category: Mental Disorders asked October 15, 2014

link

luna

3 Answers

You're not fucked up! I really identify with what you are dealing with as I was there too when I was your age. Rape fantasies are totally normal as long as you keep them as fantasies and don't actually act on it. A great way to experience your fantasy is through role playing with someone you really trust and have respect for. I worked as a dominatrix and a submissive for some years and I had a lot of respect for my clients who chose to live out their fantasies in a consensual and safe way. Before role playing for the first time it's a good idea to talk to your partner about boundaries and an outline of what will happen. A 'safe' word is also a good idea as 'no' and 'stop' can be a really hot part of rape fantasies. I find 'mercy' works for me. With the religion stuff, research is a good idea but you don't have to make your mind up immediately and follow all the 'rules'. I think being spiritual and believing in a higher power can be a very beautiful thing. As a poster above said, don't purposely harm others and then I reckon you'll be sweet for heaven! I went through a freak out about going to hell a little while ago and felt relieved that I had been baptised as a baby as 'insurance' hehe You're not doing anything wrong, and being a fag is beautiful so don't feel guilty or ashamed of that!

link

Emiliaheart

There's more people out there than you realize who get turned on by that kind of stuff. That's why those movies always have some sex appeal to them, I guess. I think what you need to focus on is enjoying it in movies, porn, fantasy/roll playing with people, etc. NEVER actually go out and rape someone. Even if you don't want to believe in Hell, believe in jail.

As for religions, don't tie yourself down to one if you're not comfortable with it. If you like the logic of atheism, focus on that. If you're afraid of the possibility of an afterlife, judgement and all that, then just don't harm others. Enjoying the idea of it is one thing, but acting on it is completely different. Everyone has something that makes them a little twisted, that's what really keeps us as individuals. It's using that side to hurt other people just because we want to that makes a person horrible.

Really bad example here, but have you ever heard of Johnny the Homicidal Maniac? It's a series of comics where a guy kills anyone who even looks at him funny. They're pretty great, but the guy who made them would never actually act on anything he put in those pages. Those comics were an outlet for frustrations, and he made a career out of that weirdness. Same thing with the people who made the Saw movies, rape porn, etc. They get it out of their system in safe, legal ways and make a ton of money in the process.

link

Leona27

200

I'm an atheist, 42 years old, was an atheist at your age too.I don't think anything is wrong with you, I really don't, but maybe you need to see a therapist. not because of your "dark" thoughts, as people stated, fetish porn is popular for a reason, there is a lot out there even more bizarre than your ideas, i think with your parents being divorced and some of that stuff, a therapist might help.

link

Robert165

180