I need advice about a friend I have asked to my my child’s GOD parents.

0

I have a best friend that I have had for over 25 years. We went to high school together and are both now in our mid 40’s. We are still very close and talk and see each other frequently. My friend is married as am I and we both have children. He daughter is 16 and my son is 8. My husband and I decided we wanted to ask my friend and her husband if they would take care of our son if something were to happen to the both of us at the same time. I had this conversation with my friend and asked her to discuss this with her husband and they both agreed absolutely without a doubt yes. So my husband and I got together with them and formally asked them and explained our wishes for our son. I explained to them that we didn’t have anyone else in our family that we felt could provide for our son and we do not have a lot of family on either of our sides that could raise our son. We also made it clear we wanted to chose someone in case something happened to prevent my son from being awarded to the state and be placed in foster care. My friend and her husband were on board and said to get everything legalized and set up so there would be no problems if something were to happen.

I made sure all beneficiary information was up to date, had the conversation with my son explaining who he would live with, a wrote up paperwork to make it legal. I left the paperwork for my friend and he husband to sign and get it back to me. Well today she said she needed to talk to me about it. She said now that everything was in writing she needs to give it more thought if it is something she really wants to do. She said her daughter will be 18 in 2 years and she doesn’t want to be stuck with a kid if something were to happen to my husband and myself. She said she has always talked about her and her husband having freedom once her daughter left home and being able to do whatever they wanted. She also said she didn’t want to have resentment towards my son if she had to take care of him and no longer be able to have freedom. I can understand this however, I feel this is something she should have thought of and considered before telling me yes.

I am very hurt and disappointed by this and not sure how I should feel. I feel like I have offered my best friend of almost 30 years the most precious, most important thing in my life to guard, keep safe, and love for me if I was no longer in this world and she is hesitant about it. I feel like by telling me yes she gave me piece of mind and now has pulled the rug out from under me. I feel like my friendship isn’t important to her and that she is being selfish to not want to care for my child if my husband and I were to die. It isn’t like either of us are sick or planning on going anywhere anytime soon, so I don’t understand. It isn’t like I am asking her to take my dog for me cause I can’t keep it. I feel like she would rather have her freedom and let my son go into foster care for strangers to raise him than to care for him herself.

This has hurt me so deeply that I am not sure I can continue to have the closeness with her going forward. She isn’t just my best friend she is my family and like a sister to me. I don’t know if I can get past the feeling of not feeling like I am valued to her. And how am I suppose to explain to my son that his “aunt and Uncle” don’t want to take care of him? She tells me to please understand and respect whatever decision she makes and know that she still loves us and my son the same but she isn’t sure she wants that responsibility.

Im not sure how to feel about this. Any advice

Category: asked June 9, 2015

3 Answers

0
accepted
Hi Michele, I recently went through something similar with the person we chose to have guardianship of our children should something happen to us so thought I'd reply. Firstly, I complete understand that this has hurt you deeply, your friend said she would be there was the worst ever to happen but then backed out when it became a reality. however, I can also see your friends perspective as the idea of taking on a child if your own children have flown the nest could be a little daunting. Perhaps you and your friend could sit down again and you could explain why this is important to you and ask her to reconsider. Perhaps she is only thinking about being "stuck with a child" rather than taking in a child she has known forever if his parents were gone. often it's easy to see the logistics of something rather than see the circumstances that has caused something to happen (hope that makes sense). I'm sure she hasn't meant to hurt you though and maybe there is a reason behind her reluctance now. I hope you managed to stay friends with this family no matter what though as they have clearly being your surrogate family for some years now. Feel free to message me if you'd like to talk further and best of luck
0
Thank You for your response. I get it about wanting freedom, but how can you be so selfish to say to your best friend for almost 30 years, I am going to let your child that I know means everything to you and let them go to foster care and be raised by strangers and never see anyone he knows or has grown up with ever again on top of the grief of losing his parents. That is very selfish act I think. that tells me that me and my son are not important to her and she really doesn't love us the way she says she does. I think she should have thought of all those feeling before telling me yes. I know if she does decide to NOT do it, when my husband finds out he is going to want to break ties with them. Im afraid of losing my sister as well as my son not having a home if we were to die. And that breaks my heart.
0
honestly she fuckin bitch I don't think we can be friends any more shes terrible god forbid anything happens to you but does she know how terrible fostercare and on top of no one even wants to adopt children over 5 which is really fucked up if someone ask me to I would do it in a heart beat even if it was a stranger no one deserves that and you have a right to be upset plus you don't want her to take him in and she treats him like crap you have a right to be mad or even never talkin to her again