I lost my mom November of 2010. We generally got along very well, but she was sick for a long time and it was really hard on me. I didn't always treat her how I should have and it's something that I still regret, but that I try to improve now. Instead of beating yourself up over it, just do your best to treat your mom and everyone else better. Do things that you think would make him proud. Obviously, I don't know what sort of things he'd like to see from you, but just as an example... if he was really big about you doing well in school, strive to make good grades and go on to college, because it would be something that you know would make him proud even if he's not there to see it. I hope this helps, and don't feel like you have to harm yourself. His passing was not your fault, and that's the number one thing you need to remember.