I kind of did something shady and now I really need someone’s advice.


I messed up and violated my boyfriend’s privacy. I don’t even know why I did it. I’m very happy, finally. I guess I just wanted to assure myself that I have nothing to worry about . I’ve been cheated on in every relationship I’ve been in and I know you can’t hold things from past relationships against a current relationship. I guess I just was hoping that I would find nothing when I glanced for literally a minute through his phone.. Instead the first message was a naked picture from a girl he knows and I don’t even know what to do now. I feel so incredibly bad that I even checked and now I have an even bigger issue and I’m just falling apart. Someone please help me.

Category: Tags: asked June 24, 2015

5 Answers

Receiving naked photos is far worse on the list of bad things people can do in a relationship. The fact that you checked his phone, yes, is bad as it shows you are insecure and untrusting of him. However rightly so it seems. Do not get to caught up in the fact that you violated the privacy, but focus on the fact that actually, you found something! Curiousity killed the cat, but at the moment, he is the cat as he is the one very much so in the wrong here. Maybe there is a logical explaination (please don't keep your hopes up for one though as there are few ways of him getting out of this scenario without something not being right). If there is not, then he simply isn't worthy of you and you should free yourself and find someone who you would never dream of checking their phone or questioning them. Our gut instincts don't fail us, and whatever made you check his phone, was right!Best of luck xx
Hey Angela,

Being in a happy relationship with my girlfriend that is 9 years and counting, I cannot but stress the fact that trust is the key to any longlasting and happy relationship, and this counts for all aspects of life.

Let's ignore the fact you checked his phone for a second. Seen your past experiences with boyfriends and relationships it wasn't that abnormal to do, even when it can't be part of a healthy relationship. Now, be completely honest with yourself and ask this question: Did you or your behaviour in past relationships have a contribution to your boyfriends being un-loyal? Don't take this as a personal attack but as a way to reflect on what you want in a relationship and even further down the line, in life itself.

Let me illustrate with an example of my own: When my girlfriend and I first started dating we had no clue about how to create and sustain a happy relationship. We were both 16 and extremely inexperienced but we were determined to make it work and stick together. However, despite me being a very loyal guy, my girlfriend was acting extremely paranoid and checked up on me every chance she got. Calling me, checking my e-mail, social profiles, text messages and so on, pretty extreme. That behaviour eventually caused me to seek contact with other people. I didn't cheat on her but I wasn't happy and didn't want to be with her that way. All of this accumulated into a hard break-up about 4 years into our relationship. Despite both being hurt in our own ways, we reflected on what had gone wrong and helped eachother work out the problems each of us had in the relationship. To this day we have a very open relationship in terms of sharing our feelings and thoughts with eachother, without having to be afraid. Because of this, we feel extremely comfortable with one another and our level of trust has never been higher.

What i'm trying to say here is that a successful relationship takes a lot of work and will never be a fairytale from the start. This includes both trusting eachother and outgrow the need to seek attention or affirmation from others, be it sexual or emotional.

Back to your boyfriend. Do you have any idea why he might have done it? I don't know your history with him so it's hard to say if he's just a tool or if there's a fundamental flaw in your relationship which causes him to seek attention from other girls.

Is he the guy you want to spend a big part of your life with? Is he worth the struggle that you're about to face when you confront him with the picture and the fact that you checked his phone? Can you see your relationship going back to where it was before you knew what was going on? And most important, do you really love eachother?

If you're too much in doubt about the answers to the questions above, I would view this as a valuable lesson and move on. There's no use in putting all of your love and energy in a relationship that gives back only pain and doubt. It's a sort of self-respect, be strong and honest with yourself and settle for nothing less that the best, 'cause that's what a relationship should be; Easy and flowing, not a dangerous ride down the river that only leads to a waterfall.

A lot of text but seeing where I come from myself, I value these kinds of things very much and I hope it's helped you a bit. Don't hesitate to PM me if you'd like to talk some more.

I would tell him what I did and what I saw while not giving away any emotion and give him a chance to explain himself/apologize. Relationships are built on trust. Not being truthful yourself makes for a bad relationship. The reason you're confused is he wasn't truthful. Imagine how he will feel if he finds out you weren't truthful in looking through his phone. This can be seen from two points of view I guess but that's what I would do.
It's true, you did do something bad. Despite being in a relationship with someone, something that requires trust and communication, you do not fully trust your partner, and that is hurting your relationship. However, that does not erase the fact that your boyfriend has a naked picture of another girl on his phone. You may have done something bad, but he has, too.

Neither action cancels out the other. You may have found the pictures on his phone, but that didn't make it okay to look through it. Likewise, he's done something to very rationally and logically cause you to not trust him in the first place. Either way, just because it's good that you feel sorry for doing something bad doesn't mean you aren't allowed to be angry or hurt over this picture. What you did doesn't erase what he's done.

Honestly, I don't think what you guys have right now is a healthy relationship. So, you have two options: end it now, since being in an unhealthy relationship is never a good idea, or two, talk with him and work things out.

Whatever you do, you do need to talk with him first. Admit to what you did and apologize, but don't forget that you deserve to feel hurt and angry about this picture. Then you have to consider: Do I ever think I will trust him? Am I willing to work on my trust issues? Does he have a good explanation for this picture, and/or did he sincerely apologize (as in, a real "I'm sorry" instead of an "I'm sorry you're sorry")? And most importantly, is this relationship even worth being in? Do you care about him enough to stay, and does he care enough about you, respect you and understands that this relationship isn't going to be easy, and that your trust issues aren't your fault?

They aren't your fault, by the way. Trust is something you give to someone you honestly believe isn't going to hurt you. People violated that, and that's not your fault. You were hurt, and it's okay that you're afraid of getting hurt. Most people are. There's nothing wrong with being afraid when you've been given a reason to. That's why asking if this is worth it is so important. Yes, eventually you will have to learn to trust again, if only for your own sake. The question is, is this man someone you think will be with you and support you every step of the way? If no, it might be time to end things.
Instead of reading a bloody book of advice from everyone else, all you have to do is talk to him. That's all.