I just want to make art the way I want to.


I mainly made this account just to post this vent.

Anyway, I have no idea what to do with this situation. I’ll start by upfront saying that I just want to make digital art using a tablet and a precise stylus. But my brain also thinks that it wouldn’t be too expensive, setting back a few hundred at most. But no, instead I would either have to cough up five hundred or even a thousand to get exactly what I want.

Not that I can just get a job either. I still have to get some sort of diploma. But I’m really hesitant, not just because of what’s involved, but also because of this disability that I have.

I am scared of going outside of my home for extended lengths of time, because I am easily bothered by tiny things that people do: tapping a pencil or fingers on a surface, shaking legs, even humming. Repetitive things. In the past during my school years, I just wanted them to stop. But I’ve also been told that I can’t just tell people to stop either.

Which to my past mind came off as unfair. To me, it would have been just easier to get me out of the classroom and away from everyone else instead of just telling me over and over to ignore it, even if I want to hurt myself or someone else. That was how HELLISH it was for me. Worse, I have gone mad to the point that I would be punished, locked up in a small room and have the ‘ignore it’ advice drilled into my head, advice that I just knew wouldn’t work. In the past, I have demanded that I be allowed to go home and get away from it all.

I know that there are also online courses in order to get a high school diploma (And I think it’s the case?) But again, not only would I have to go through very long study no matter how long it is, but I still have this feeling that I’ll just be subjected to hell if I do go out and get a diploma, let alone a degree.

I think an answer would be to make money through writing, but where do I begin? I think this is yet another problem. I can’t just bring myself to sit down and write (even at length) unless I outright know It’ll be worth it somehow, or if I have some sort of active audience. And I can’t just sign up for a magazine or news site unless I feel this sort of confidence, especially starting out at one of such places. I mean to say is I am VERY shy about getting involved in going to a new community.

-Re, Jonathan: Thanks for offering to help. But like you’ve said, I’ve been told to ‘just ignore it’ in the past. Something about that advice just feels wrong though, especially with how much the people who locked me in the small room have told me to ‘just ignore it’.

Category: Tags: asked January 22, 2014

1 Answer

Hello, you did the right thing in reaching out.

I can sense a great deal of your anxiety through your writing. Have you spoken with your parents about seeing a psychiatrist? You appear to have obsessive-compulsive tendencies, and you would be surprised to find out how manageable the disorder can be.

You have a very nasty roadblock thought process; whenever you think ahead and brain comes to any unknown that might venture outside of your control, you obsess over that possible loss of control and do not even begin your course of action. You avoid doing anything to avoid the possibility of failing. You want a guarantee that you can do something from start to finish.

The problem with that is the fact that inaction is also considered a failure. There comes a time in life when we must set aside our personal wishes in favor of doing what needs to be done, such as finishing a class essay even if the person sitting next to you is bouncing their leg, but I have no doubts that you have heard that lecture before.

That being said, talk to your parents about getting you some help. You deserve just as much of a chance at a happy future as anybody else.

Please keep in contact and let us know how you're doing. Always remember that you matter, and you are not alone.