Okay, first off, this is going to be a very long read. I’m going to explain 10 months in a post, so please bear with me!!
My name is Ariana, I’m 18, a junior in high school (a senior this fall).
I don’t want to stay on this too much, but I met a guy (senior) at the very beginning of this year. We’ve grown very very close. We never officially dated, “talking” you could say. Recently we’ve started drifting apart, just because of my job, and he plays for a hockey team out of town. and he has a girlfriend now. We talked about two weeks ago in person and told eachother how we really feel about all of this.
He told me he loved me and that i am everything he’s ever wanted in a girl, and he was going to ask me to move in with him after highschool (he graduates this week). He said that I don’t have time for him ever, and yeah, lots of arguing and crying. I don’t know, we still haven’t settled things. His last day of school was today, so I’ll probably never see him again since he’s moving at the end of the summer to the city he plays hockey for. We never even said goodbye and it breaks my heart how we never got to finish anything. We both still have really strong feelings, it’s just that we live separate lives and it’s hard to make time. I feel like a piece of me is missing without him.
I’ve had bipolar depression for about two years now. It’s gotten worse over time. One minute I can be completely fine, and seem like the happiest girl in the world. The next I’ll be curled up on the floor, crying my eyes out, wanting to just end my life. I don’t know what the cause of my depression is. It may be genetic- my dad had severe depression toward the end and he completed suicide in 2007.
I’ve become addicted to amphetamines. I don’t know, they just give me a sort of energy that I wouldn’t have without them. They make me really talkative and happier, in a sense. They keep me awake, keep me going.
I’m bulimic. I don’t think It’s possible to have both bulimia and anorexia, but sometimes I’ll just eat whatever the hell I want for about a week, and just purge most of it when I’m done. The next week I could just not eat anything at all because I feel like I’ve gained 100 pounds from the week before. It’s gotten so bad that I feel like any tiny piece of food I eat if going to make me gain weight, or bloat, or something. I want to eat and be healthy. That’s how I used to be. I used to eat all this organic food, and get a lot of protein and carbs (because I was in sports and lifted weights). I’ve just gotten so obsessed with healthy eating and exercising because once I saw how it made me lose weight, I wanted to keep losing more and more, that I just completely stopped eating.
I just feel like I have no one to go to. My friends are good listeners, but I feel like I would just completely freak them out with all of this. My mom probably wouldn’t even take me seriously, I know she wouldn’t. The only person i know I could really talk to is my older brother.
I’m just out of options, I feel like. I can’t see myself finishing highschool, I don’t have the energy left in me anymore. I ask myself everyday why i don’t just end it. and to be honest I’m afraid to. i don’t want to die, but I’m so deep in my depression and everything else that I don’t want to deal with it anymore. I haven’t told anyone at all, but I even had a plan, and I was very close to carrying it out recently.
I don’t know what to do at this point in time. I’m only 18, why does this have to happen to me? I want to be happy like I used to, and I want to get better But I just don’t know how.
Thank you for taking the time to read and any kind of feedback is appreciated!