I forced my wifw,what do I do now?


I got into an arranged marriage because of family pressures.The girl is much younger by about 7 years and just turned 18.Both of us are from well educated and well to do families.We were introduced and got engaged about half a year ago and as soon as she turned 18 we were married.I have known her for some time now.None of us was thrilled with this whole arranged marriage thing but went along because of our families.We used to and still do, argue a LOT.Not fight per se, but yes, argue.Both of us are considerably smart and often argue from the smallest of things like which colour is better to complex things like the parallel world theory to even world politics.I won’t lie,it’s actually kind of fun.And anyone who watches us finds us “amusing”.Somewhere along the time I believe I fell for her and if not that, I would admit that I am attracted to her.I enjoy spending time with her.Until after initially meeting her I was in a relationship with someone.We even had sex and used to go out even after my marriage was fixed.My now wife knew but she never complained bc she is pretty liberal and said that she understands that this whole thing was forced.I broke it off with my then girlfriend after some time.My now wife refuses to have any sorts of feelings for me but her actions say otherwise.I will be honest, she is young and inexperienced and doesn’t understand much of what she feels like she’d often say ,when I am too close that she feels “weird” or maybe that her stomach is upset.Attractive, yes she is but that is not what I love about her.I love the whole of her. She likes to maintain distance and isn’t really a touchy-feely sort of person. She usually wears glasses and loose clothes but when she dresses up, she turns heads ,not really exaggerating.She doesn’t care much about what others have to say and is pretty chilled out about pretty much everything and is an overall likeable person but that doesn’t stop guys from hitting on her.I admit that it annoys the hell out of me .But if someone is flirting with her and I like put my arm around her or sth she says that she isn’t some piece of property that I own.I am not even trying to, just trying to ward the guys off.My cousin really liked her after he met her and a family friend of mine who was in her class liked her too and even proposed to her,before the whole marriage thing,and she did turn him down.But she did say that she likes him as a person.She has never been in a relationship and doesn’t even believe in love so pouring your heart out just earns you possible rational explainations but she refuses to accept love or attraction.
She is interesting and fun and the only person that I have ever seen be truly content in life ,even with the smallest of things.Not just happy,but actually content.
We recently got married and went to Maldives for the honeymoon.Her first question was why couldn’t we have 2 bedrooms which we clearly couldn’t ask for bc it wasn’t us who made the bookings.Anyway, the first morning after the marriage she had screamed her head off and woken up the whole damn hotel bc she didn’t expect to see a guy in the same bed.I had to spend 5 hours in the manager’s room trying to make him understand that I wasn’t kidnapping her or forcing her until my brother in law came to testify that we were actually married. Now it was hot hot in Maldives and she used to wear shorts and crop tops.It was actually the first time I had seen her in shorts bc she is more of a jeans person,and in dresses and not to say she looked really attractive or perhaps “sexy” if you would put it that way.We hadn’t been intimate at all before our marriage but while there in Maldives,one night I got drunk and I kind of forced her.In our country, marital “rape” as you might put it as since she didn’t exactly want it is not an offence.She didn’t understand much she didn’t want it,neither did I want our first time to be like this.She obviously wasn’t ready for this.She is so confused a scared that she wont talk to me or come close.After a few days ,she finally calmed down enough to listen to my apology that I was drunk and was out of it.She just seems really upset these days. Now it’s just all messed up and she is now ,more than ever, into maintaining physical distance.I dont even know if she even remotely likes me and it’s just all so messed up.

Category: asked May 20, 2015

3 Answers

This is a really tough, sensitive, and very serious subject. But I've decided to respond because you do seem remorseful. First off I'd like to say, that it seems like we are from different cultures/areas because arranged marriage is not something that happens in my culture and "martial rape" is in fact a crime where I'm from. Mistakes can happen, but its also important take a good look at oneself to make sure drinking isn't an issue for you.
All that being said, since you have already apologized to your wife and admitted your wrong doing, I think all you can do that this time is respect the space she needs. Rather she says it verbally or just in her actions of wanting physical space. RESPECT her boundaries. Let her know (by words or actions) that you want to be sensitive to her needs/wants and that her feeling on this issue and others are important to you.
I also want to point out that just because someone is of legal age (married or has been intimate before) does NOT mean that they are currently in the mental and emotional space to be involved in a physically intimate relationship. Many people have to feel good within themselves and feel safe and confident in their relationship before they are ready for that step.
I understand that sex can be a big part of a relationship, but I'd like to point out there are many things that go into a strong healthy relationship. Also, sex is only one way to express/feel intimacy and closeness with another. Maybe you should tell your wife that from now on she has the control in that area and that you will follow her lead. Ask her to let you know when she is ready for more.
It was probably really hard for you to admit this and ask for advice even anonymously, so I hope this can be helpful and healing.
Wow that is a tough situation. I'm sorry you have to have arranged marriages. That is really messed up and sad, In my opinion.
If you really cared about this young, teenage girl, you would have the courage to stand up to your other family members and end the marriage (and make sure that this girl ends up safe). Although marital rape might not be illegal, it is still incredibly morally wrong and scarring, and a total nightmare to deal with as a victim. You being drunk isn't really an excuse. She clearly felt that you were going to take advantage of her if she was screaming at people to try to get a separate room for herself. She has even told you before that she isn't your property. I think that although she's a good sport and seems happy the majority of the time, she really isn't as fond of you or as happy with her situation as she lets you and others believe. She clearly feels she has no power or say in any of these important decisions. I really think you should figure out a way that she can be free of you and the marriage. To the people who downvoted the comment saying that he should be in jail and that he didn't "kind of" force her- that comment is harsh but isn't necessarily wrong. You know that it's rape if she didn't want to have sex and you forced yourself on her. You know that you did something wrong. You need to take responsibility for your own actions. I also think you should take classes on how to respect women/get anger management or some form of counseling for yourself to make sure you don't do something like this again- it's dangerous for yourself and for others.