It’s hard for me to explain but I think you can describe it as an existential crisis. It seems like a really small thing to worry about but I feel like I’m losing my sense of individuality.
Before, I used to be, well, the way I am fine being. I was just me, doing well in school, loving to learn and read and play games and all of that. But now I feel like I’m being more narcissistic than usual and there are times where I feel slight twinges of envy when I never would’ve. And I get angry at things that I usually wouldn’t. I really really hate these feelings I’m getting right now. The me back then wouldn’t ever feel like this.
The thing is I someitmes know what other people would say in response to what I say. I mean like, if I say nice things to someone I know they most likely would thank me and feel good about themselves but because I know this it feels like manipulation. I’m not manipulating people, but by having a sense of how they might respond already I feel like I am and I don’t like it. It’s the same with blahtherapy…I know this is where people come to help others and I know there will be people to comfort me and I wonder if I’m selfish like I know people will comfort me and say good things about me and I wonder if I’m doing it just to confirm that I’m good or something. And also I never liked the idea of doing good things just for rewards like cash or whatever, do good deeds because it is a reward in itself, it benefits everyone else and basically it itself is good. But now I am doubting myself because I wonder if I do good deeds because I want to look good to other people or if I really do them for the sake of it…I know that in my mind I do it because good deeds are in itself good but now I just don’t know if I’m lying to myself or what.
and about the narcissitic problem I wonder if it’s due to being on tumblr a lot but like I sometimes experience sense of satisfaction when I’m superior to everyone or very rarely but it does happen that I get a slight need for center of attention, not physically. It really sucks because I never liked being in the center of attention and I actually don’t like the feeling of being superior to others (I mean I know I am smart but i feel sad about others not at the same level as me either). I’m sorry if this was really confusing…I just don’t know whether I’m this or that and I just don’t know who I am anymore I just want to be who I was before