TRIGGER WARNING FOR ABUSE/SEXUAL ABUSE
I have lived with my boyfriend for two years now. In my past, I was abused emotionally, mentally, physically by my mother who has a severe case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I was, essentially, an extension of herself to her, not a separate person. She would dress me in slutty clothing and tell me to do sexual things with guys and take dirty pictures. I was 16-19 years old. She would pretend to be me on AIM and cyber older guys with a picture of my cleavage as the avatar. When I got a bit older, I gained weight and she was disgusted with me and could no longer use me because I wasn’t hot anymore.
I’m still not sure why I just went along with everything. I felt dirty, used, but I kept crawling back to her because she would shower me with attention and the love I craved from my parent. Now the dreams of my humiliation and helplessness keep haunting me. My boyfriend knows of some of the abuse that went on, but not the sexual kinds…
How do I tell him all this? I’m afraid he will look at me as a victim, think of her when we’re intimate, or be disgusted by me or look at me as dirty or a whore because I did all of that stuff “willingly”.