I don’t know how to tell my boyfriend that my mother pretended to be me while cybering

TRIGGER WARNING FOR ABUSE/SEXUAL ABUSE

I have lived with my boyfriend for two years now. In my past, I was abused emotionally, mentally, physically by my mother who has a severe case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I was, essentially, an extension of herself to her, not a separate person. She would dress me in slutty clothing and tell me to do sexual things with guys and take dirty pictures. I was 16-19 years old. She would pretend to be me on AIM and cyber older guys with a picture of my cleavage as the avatar. When I got a bit older, I gained weight and she was disgusted with me and could no longer use me because I wasn’t hot anymore.

I’m still not sure why I just went along with everything. I felt dirty, used, but I kept crawling back to her because she would shower me with attention and the love I craved from my parent. Now the dreams of my humiliation and helplessness keep haunting me. My boyfriend knows of some of the abuse that went on, but not the sexual kinds…

How do I tell him all this? I’m afraid he will look at me as a victim, think of her when we’re intimate, or be disgusted by me or look at me as dirty or a whore because I did all of that stuff “willingly”.

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TheProtobabe

1 Answer

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TheProtobabe

Tell me, would you judge me (as you fear of being judged by your boyfriend) if I had been through all that you have suffered? I am hoping you wouldn't say you would have. :) To answer, a child trusts his parent because that's what is ingrained, natural and obvious thing to do. Your mother might have her needs (and let us try not judge her either) that she was getting fulfilled through your submissive nature that lead to physical obedience. You might have done some things that in other circumstances you would not have allowed a friend to do, but since you did not see a direct harm (considering your mom wanted you to do it all), you went along. Its ok. Its done. You are now wiser and have decided to move on.
As for your boyfriend, well he didn't have to choose you. Yet he did. So maybe, he sees in you something that's wonderful to him. That makes him your friend, right? Go, talk to him. Its ok. Tell him the truth. Tell him your mother used your submissive nature to feed her fantasies and at that time you did not see a harm in that. Now you do and have stopped being your mother's doormat. Tell him you considering him as you friend too and that you would want to be rather truthful than be a fake "perfect". It would show you how much he appreciates your soul. It can't be worse than now sweetie. A relation needs faith and honesty apart from love and acceptance. Give yourself a chance. And him too. Things aren't as bad as we fear them to be. Good luck.

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ADI