I don’t know how to talk

0

I feel a little stupid posting this. I know people suffer from social anxiety. I know how the mind works of somebody suffering from social anxiety because I too have it. The reason I’m posting this is because I believe it’s something more than just social anxiety. I can’t talk to anybody without messing up. Literally any other person, no matter who it is including family. I’m afraid of meeting new people and making new friends yet all I want to do is make a new friend or two. A close friend. I dream of having a best friend. I will try and I’m not great at making small talk but I can do it although it’s a huge struggle. I stutter or stammer, and when I’m listening to myself speak, it’s not clear. I try to speak louder because my family often yell at me for being too quiet. But I listen to myself speaking louder and it still doesn’t sound as clear as a normal person would speak. I’m awkward to the point it’s so so uncomfortable and I’m constantly worrying that the other person is feeling this uncomfortable too. I don’t really see my converstations as conversations, more like a horrible uncomfortable experience for everyone involved. I met this girl just a few months ago at work. And she’s really cute. I love her personality. I kept asking her questions because I genuinely want to know about her and wanted to be friends with her. We speak a tiny bit everytime we see each other at work and I know she likes me too but I feel this is all I’m capable of. I don’t know how to cross over that point after small talk. I try but I can’t. I’m really stupid. This isn’t self hate talk. I really do not know anything. The most simple subject matters I know nothing about. So when it comes to those awkward silences, I literally cannot think of anything to say. I know you’ll say that’s normal but in the way that I mean, it’s not. The awkward silences happen way too frequently and I literally never know what to say and that’s when the panic sets in. I want to arrange to meet this girl, the problem is when you arrange a date, usually you ‘go for coffee’ or something and just the thought of one on one, face to face conversation is terrifying me because I know exactly how it will be. I don’t know what to do or how to change. I feel like it’s something I can’t change because I’m stupid and that will never go away.

Category: Tags: asked June 3, 2014

5 Answers

2
accepted
Hello, Miss Sara. You did the right thing in reaching out.

Let's look at your problems:

"I believe it’s something more than just social anxiety. I can’t talk to anybody without messing up. "
You are exaggerating your situation beyond the scope of a disorder. You're making it out to be something fundamentally WRONG with you and in doing that, you're making a monster out of a simple social inexperience.

"my family often yell at me for being too quiet. "
That is likely your problem right there. Your family do not inspire you to be sociable, they yell and make you feel nervous and that nervousness bleeds over onto other people.

"I’m awkward to the point it’s so so uncomfortable and I’m constantly worrying that the other person is feeling this uncomfortable too. I don’t really see my conversations as conversations, more like a horrible uncomfortable experience for everyone involved."
Again, you're using negative self-talk and inflating the problem in your mind to change it from something you can change into an obstacle you cannot traverse or overcome.

"I can’t. I’m really stupid. This isn’t self hate talk. I really do not know anything. The most simple subject matters I know nothing about."
Saying "this isn't self-hate talk" doesn't magically make it NOT self-hate talk. You just called yourself stupid. That is self-hate talk whether you want it to be or not. Just because you DO NOT know a thing, it does not mean that you CAN NOT know something. If you want to learn more about things, then branch out and find mediums for the things about which you would like to know more and discuss.

"that’s when the panic sets in."
Being afraid of messing up makes you panic, being afraid of panic makes you not try. You have to acknowledge your fear and then dedicate yourself to functioning through it.

"I know exactly how it will be. I don’t know what to do or how to change. I feel like it’s something I can’t change because I’m stupid and that will never go away."
There is nothing wrong with you that makes you incapable of change. You can absolutely change. Stop talking negatively about yourself and respect yourself more.

What you must do is stop focusing so heavily on the problem. Focus your mind on the solution. Would you stand in front of a tree on the way home and starve to death because you simply couldn't take a step back and think beyond the thing that is most immediately in your path? No, you would not. You would realize that it is a tree and you have to step around it. You wouldn't use the excuse "but it's in front of me and I can't keep going this way".

I have an article here from psychotherapist Gwen Randall-Young:

You, yourself, as much as anyone in the universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~ Buddha

Self-esteem is a measure of how much we value and appreciate ourselves.

Undoubtedly our childhood experiences have a major impact on this attribute. We may have received negative messages, or given ourselves negative messages as a result of our experience or how we were treated. So, we can arrive at adulthood not feeling very good about ourselves. This can block us from achieving the success we desire, or alternatively. can prevent us from acknowledging the success we have created.

Once we become adults, our self-esteem is our responsibility. We can no longer blame others for how we feel about ourselves. We must decide to ”esteem” ourselves: to hold ourselves in high esteem in our own minds. In order to do this, we must become aware of the criticisms and judgments we make of ourselves. Then, we must commit to stop abusing ourselves in this manner. Sadly, often our own inner critic takes over the role from those who criticized us in the past. This process may even be subconscious!

Next, we must decide to unconditionally love ourselves right now; not when we have lost the weight, gained the promotion, or found the right person. We need to eliminate all conditions we place on our worthiness.

Finally, we must be independent of the good opinion of others. We can decide to value ourselves regardless of what others may say or feel about us. When these things have been accomplished, we can begin to like ourselves more. We can even start to love ourselves. With this, self-esteem takes a big leap forward.”

If you have any questions, comments or concerns, my inbox is always open. Always remember that you deserve the same chance at pursuing your happiness as anyone else. You don't have to "earn" the right to be happy. Never allow anyone or anything to stifle your will to live happily, this includes yourself! Most importantly, never forget that you are valid; you matter and you are not alone.
1
You know, ill give you a cheatcode for talking to her :3. You say: ''i'm really shy, and if i'm quiet it's because I have no idea what to say!''. I promise you, this will work. When people know you are shy, they will start a conversation with you more often. It's not a bad thing if you stammer or get redfaced, she will find it cute. cute = good. If you want to practice conversations or something i'm willing to help too :3 PS, your post shows that you are very capable of expressing yourself on paper/screen already :D
1
Awe, it sounds like you're having a really hard time! I think you kind of got it though, I find that asking people about themselves is a fantastic way to converse. When I'm not sure what to talk about with someone I fish for something that's been on their mind about their lives. It makes them feel closer to you I find, and it's almost always a hit! Just be genuine and focus on what she's saying, she might love you for it! Also, if you have trouble finding something to talk about, I find that an excellent first date is going to see a movie. It's my prescription date for shy people! You always have something to talk about; the movie and subjects in relation to the movie! Plus you can spend time with her without having to talk more than little quiet comments during the movie. That might help you feel more connected and comfortable with being around her, which could help you speak to her easier. I hope some of this helps! Good luck, honey!
1
Ill keep this short!Don't feed negative thoughts. If a negative thought knocks on your door, tell the thought to fuck off and leave. by overthinking and creating all this fake reality about the situation that isnt true at all, ur basically telling the negative thought at the door "WELL COME INNN! I've prepared chips and dip and a good movie. Sit down in my sofa and relax and ill get the snacks." You should feed positive thoughts and tell the negative ones to fuck off.Don't worry. Asking questions is great. The way you bound is through emotions. You wont bound through weather talk but through laughter, memories, stories, goals, dreams and all that. Try to slowly go towards that and you will realize you will become better friends. What you need to do is relax! Everything is all good.
0
Comrade Sara, you can communicate splendidly here. Since you're anxious about talking in public/with people due mostly to past experience, it resembles shyness, which both can be solved through different methods. One effective and free is to socialize on the internet. There's tons of asocial people on forums just like probably most lads out here who spend a lot of time on the internet talking to each other through forum text messages or skype or whatever. Thing is, it's easy, and you can remain anonymous, so there's no harm to you in the "real world" though that's often abused by scumbag "cyber bullies". Go on forums, here, communicate with people, enjoy yourself, be yourself, you'll grow confidence and you'll improve greatly your social skills face-to-face.