I feel a little stupid posting this. I know people suffer from social anxiety. I know how the mind works of somebody suffering from social anxiety because I too have it. The reason I’m posting this is because I believe it’s something more than just social anxiety. I can’t talk to anybody without messing up. Literally any other person, no matter who it is including family. I’m afraid of meeting new people and making new friends yet all I want to do is make a new friend or two. A close friend. I dream of having a best friend. I will try and I’m not great at making small talk but I can do it although it’s a huge struggle. I stutter or stammer, and when I’m listening to myself speak, it’s not clear. I try to speak louder because my family often yell at me for being too quiet. But I listen to myself speaking louder and it still doesn’t sound as clear as a normal person would speak. I’m awkward to the point it’s so so uncomfortable and I’m constantly worrying that the other person is feeling this uncomfortable too. I don’t really see my converstations as conversations, more like a horrible uncomfortable experience for everyone involved. I met this girl just a few months ago at work. And she’s really cute. I love her personality. I kept asking her questions because I genuinely want to know about her and wanted to be friends with her. We speak a tiny bit everytime we see each other at work and I know she likes me too but I feel this is all I’m capable of. I don’t know how to cross over that point after small talk. I try but I can’t. I’m really stupid. This isn’t self hate talk. I really do not know anything. The most simple subject matters I know nothing about. So when it comes to those awkward silences, I literally cannot think of anything to say. I know you’ll say that’s normal but in the way that I mean, it’s not. The awkward silences happen way too frequently and I literally never know what to say and that’s when the panic sets in. I want to arrange to meet this girl, the problem is when you arrange a date, usually you ‘go for coffee’ or something and just the thought of one on one, face to face conversation is terrifying me because I know exactly how it will be. I don’t know what to do or how to change. I feel like it’s something I can’t change because I’m stupid and that will never go away.