I could really use some advice. Anything is very helpful, so thanks in advance.


I have asked questions on here before about relationships, and dating, so I’m sorry in advance. But, if I don’t have you guys here on BlahTherapy, then I have no one to really ask. So I really appreciate any information you give me, or help me in any way.

I believe in things that are kind of old school, and am often referred to as being very religious. Although I am not religious at all, I have nothing against God, or anyone who is religious, so no offense to anyone. But, I believe that there should be no sex before marriage, and that it should only be shared with someone whose your partner, your life, your sole, your missing puzzle piece.

But, heres where I get stuck between a rock and a hard place. Every person that I come in counter with, just for conversations, not for dating. They all inform me they have had sexual relations before. Right then, and there the red flag hits, and I just can’t go on anymore. I believe before you get to dating someone you should really just talk, which is what I am doing when I find out they have had other relations.

The only people I know that don’t have relations before marriage are people who believe in God. Now, having said that, it brings me up to another topic. If I try to go out with someone whose religious then that’s not right for them, because I’m not entirely hooked on going to church. I totally agree with people who are religious, because they are genuinely the people who abide by the law, are genuinely the kind who are my kind of people. Just without the whole church scene, and things.

So, what do you think about all of this. Are there people out there who aren’t religious, but do believe in saving sex for marriage. Or should I wait for the right guy to come into my life whose religious, and just learn to like the church scene.

Thank you for any suggestions you may have. I hope everyone has a wonderful night/day, depending on where you live. :D

Category: asked September 13, 2014

5 Answers

Im a guy and I believe the same thing, it's just at this age and generation there isn't many people that have the same mindset. And those that do does go to church like you said. I don't go to church at all I have nothin against people that do. So my answer is yes there are guys that fits your qualification. But I believe if a guy goes to church often I believe he won't make you do the same if its not in your interest to go and if he truly likes you then he should respect that. good luck :)
The dilemma that you are facing is that historically, sex as something you do after marriage is a religious construct. If we think of marriage as a ritual (and something that has existed long before it became a much more defined social construct within Judaism and then later on, in Christianity and Islam) it didn't always have that ideal that sex/marital relations occur afterwards. Rather, marriage was something to ensure that a man's progeny was his own, and in some civilisations/communities/cultures, marriage occurs after sex/mutual consent of the couple.

So trying to find someone who believes in sex after marriage, has never had sex/never had sex outside of marriage (outside of marriage would mean you would be looking for divorced men) and is not religious, it's not going to be easy, because it is religion that determines the sex within the confines of marriage only rule. Otherwise, what reason is there to believe in sex after marriage if there is nothing to tell you why you shouldn't?

I wonder if you are so focused on finding someone who has never had marital relations, that you going to forgo any real potentials at a relationship because someone in the past may have had a different life. You also seem incredibly focused on this problematic ideal of a soul mate or missing puzzle piece. The reality is those themselves are not necessarily realistic ideals, you might be missing opportunities with some really great men because of these strict ideals that you hold (that are not, as you said, a product of a religious mindset) and that notion of finding 'Mr Right' who might not ever be able to fulfil all of your criteria.

You don't want to date religious men because you are worried about being forced to go to church/having to engage with that lifestyle, but you don't want to date any man who has had sexual relations before, regardless of whether they might be interested in waiting until marriage at this point in their life. So you are stuck between a rock and a hard place, because as I said, why would someone wait to explore their sexuality if nothing is telling them not to do it? How can someone expect to find their soulmate without making mistakes along the way?

I think you might want to sit down, and really think about some of these ideals that you are holding on to, and whether they are holding you back. I'm not saying you should go out and sleep with the first man you find, nor am I saying you should convert to a religion. Rather, look at the list of criteria/expectations that you have, and think long and hard about whether these are achievable or impossible. See what you can perhaps alter, or be a bit more lenient on. Could you date a man who has had relations in the past but would be interested in waiting until marriage now? Would you be interested in see what Christianity is about and determining whether it might actually be a good fit for you? Would you be interested in dating divorced men who did wait until marriage, and technically, haven't broken your rule? You're searching for a unicorn, and while I'm not saying that these men you are looking for don't exist, I just think you are missing out because you are looking for perfection when in reality, perfection just doesn't exist.
@Syropae thanks for the advice. Although I am not looking for perfection, I'm not perfect, nor am I religious but I'm still waiting till I get married for sexual relations with a partner. I only ask things from the world in the amount that I am able to put forth myself. Thanks for the advice though, you mentioned some good points.

Hard to say. My knowledge is limited because I only have my own experiences to draw on. I don't consider myself religious. I've never liked going to church, and I don't really like reading the Bible either. I do believe in God though. But almost more in an abstract sense. Like, to me, God isn't a man in the sky. God is The Universe, of which we're all children. And I think that, whatever you call it (God, Allah, Mother Nature, The Great Spirit, The Universe) created everything that is. So, I don't know if that makes me religious or not. haha.

My goal in life is to have only one sexual partner, but it's not because I think to do otherwise would be immoral. I just can't see myself sharing that experience with anyone whom I didn't consider my life partner. I've always said that I would be married, but now I'm not so sure about that either. What I really want is the commitment, I don't really need that "law-abiding-contract" part. Seems like it just complicates things. But I'm not too worried about that right now. I figure if I ever do find that person, we'll discuss it then.

I think I understand you. Sometimes I feel so strange because the idea of waiting for real commitment before getting physical seems to be such a foreign concept to people. But I find it strange that people can just do that sort of thing with anyone. I don't judge them for it of course. I feel like everyone should do whatever makes them happy, provided no one gets hurt. I think I might be asexual, or at least under that umbrella, and unfortunately there doesn't really seem to be a place for people who are like that. It's hard to find someone to even consider getting into a relationship with because everyone seems so hung up on having sex. I dunno.

Anyway, that's my two cents. Hope it helped. (:

I think that is awesome that you believe in saving sex for marriage, even if you are not religious. In fact, that is even more impressive to me. So, way to go!

I definitely agree in getting to know someone and actually walking through good and bad times together. Build a friendship that builds into a deeper relationship. You build this solid foundation. When you get married, it's that much more special. People these days do it backwards and you wonder why so many people are getting divorced.

Here are some options:
Find a non-religious guy that respects your position, if he doesn't, move on. Date a religious guy that respects your position and try the church scene. Date a religious guy that respects your position and allows you space as to when and/or if you want to go to church.

I think it says a lot that you already have so much in common with religious people. It wouldn't hurt to look into it. Maybe you can try just talking about it. Maybe you can call around and ask some local churches. Some churches have programs for different age groups. That's a fun way to connect and even meet people. There's no rule that says you have to go to church. Maybe read, do some research. Ultimately, find what works for you.

So, yes, there are people out there that wait, just harder to find these days. A religious guy is fine too. And once you adjust to the church scene, you may really like it. (I'm not going to talk about my preference, so send me a message if you want more info).

Also, just fyi, religious guys are human too. They are not perfect, but they do believe in some of the same things you are talking about which is a good start. Every relationship takes work... but yeah, great question, and again, if you have questions, I'm here for ya!

Hope this helps! Take care!