As the title may suggest, I am very puzzled on the subject of my own sexuality haha. There are four types of sexualities I feel throughout the day, and they are very strong feelings. 1/4 of the day, I feel as racially asexual as you can get, 1/4 of the day I feel very bisexual/pansexual, 1/4 I feel strongly heterosexual, and the last 1/4 I feel very demi sexual. I use “throughout” the day as a metaphor (sorry if I am confusing haha).
Now let start out with asexuality. When I am not aroused, and this is how I feel a majority of the time, I feel strongly asexual. I am repulsed by the concept of sex, and I am disgusted watching it. It seems so primitive, violent, and grotesque to me. Everything about it is horrifying to me. If I ever see anything sexual on social media, tv, movie’s, or hear about it in music, my stomach churns. I will look at my penis in disgust.
Then there comes the arousal. My sexuality is very different in person than it is when I’m by myself. When in person with a group of people, I will not have even the slightest interest in the guys, and thinking about kissing them really is a turnoff, but I can get turned on so easily by all of the girls, and when with any girl my asexuality changes into raging heterosexuality. When I’m alone with a guy, the thought of anything never crosses my mind, and if for some reason I even imagine something as minor as holding hands, it is a real turn off.
When I am by myself and aroused, I very attracted to guys and girls. I am very turned on by the idea of male on male sex, and male and female sex. They are both so hot to me when turned on, but the second I ejaculate, I transition right back into asexuality and am disgusted by what was going through my head and find the primitive nature of sexuality repulsive, but when aroused I masturbate to men and women and get equally turned on.
I am turned off by the idea of a relationship with a man, and would never and have never even considered it, I only like girls. When I like a girl, I have no sexual desire towards her at all and hate the thought of sex with her unless she likes me back, but I don’t want to have sex unless I am in a relationship. Its not a societal thing, its that when I like someone I am turned on by the idea of making love, not sex. When I don’t like a girl and I am aroused, I would do it in a heartbeat, but the second I catch feelings it all disappears unless we are in a relationship.
When I like a girl, it is so easy for my to build sexual attraction, but the second I like a girl all of my sexual instincts disappear, and I have no desire to flirt with them sexually or be sexual unless we are doing something physical. I love sexting girls who I am not in a relationship, but the second I am in a relationship I don’t want to sext or flirt that way at all, and only want the emotional bond. Basically in relationships I want the romantic side of things, and I don’t really care about the sexual side.
But even when I was with my yearlong girlfriend, she got tired of me because I only wanted the romantic side and did not care about the sexual side, and whenever I decided to sexually flirt with her, it felt like a chore, but I loved her with every ounce of my heart and wanted to move in with her and envisioned a family one day, that is how much I loved her. The moment I enter a relationship, my sexual instincts disappear.
During the relationship, I was repulsed by the idea of sex and horrified, by the moment she kissed me I was instantly aroused and wanted it so bad.
Again, when I am alone I am turned on by guys a lot and equally turned on by girls, but in person I am completely straight and don’t desire man on man sex and I have never liked the idea of a guy relationship with me.
What is this called? Any ideas? Did I invent a new sexuality haha? (I kid on the last one)