How to get over being a disappointment to my family?


I don’t treat my family that bad. I try and make time for them when I am not overloaded with responsibilities and work.
My mom can’t seem to stop talking about how terrible I am. She tells me that, socially, I “don’t have a clue.” I am “awkward.” I “don’t have any real friendships.” That I need to start “trying.” That I am a “disappointment and a nasty slob.” I am an “ungrateful piece of shit.” She then proceeds to complain about how terribly I treat her and how I always try and shut her out. I would love to have a good relationship with her, but I literally cannot remember the last positive conversation we had.
My dad always texts me and asks me how I acted on a given day. He is gone most of the time, but he is always kept informed of my insufficiencies.
My (younger) sister is constantly throwing mean comments at me. Not the normal “I hate you because you’re my sister” kind of comments. They are more like “I hate you because you are an asshole and you never do anything right” kind of comments. I normally just ignore her but I’m starting to slip over the edge.
My (also younger) brother is so sweet. He always wants me to spend more time with him. When I tell him that I can’t because I have a crazy amount of work that needs to get done, however, he suddenly hates me and tries to hurt me. (He can’t, though. He has no muscle.)

Going to school has become something I look forward to more than anything. There are actually people there who I love and trust and classes that I enjoy. It is a place that I don’t have to face my family or pick up my phone when they call to criticize me for some dumbass move I probably made.

How can I get over being such a disappointment and be a better family member? How can I be good enough for them?

Category: asked November 7, 2013

4 Answers

Hey there! So if I might lend a bit of advice...if I were you I'd start with pleasing yourself. Are you happy with yourself? If not, make a list of who you want to become and list out the steps you'll take to get there. Actually follow this list, until you become the person you want to be. It's hard, but it can be so incredibly worth it. And when you are the person you want to be and are comfortable with who you are, the comments of your family won't hurt so much. Next, try to make some time for your little brother. Hangout with him a little, even if it's just for 10 or 15 minutes at a time. Can you sacrifice that much time? Lastly, your parents and sister have no right to make you feel so incredibly small. And I wish I had some really good advice for you on this. But really, the only thing I have, is to prove them wrong. When your mom says you're a disappointment to the family, use your anger to fuel your desire to bring home good grades to show her. When she says you're a slob, prove her wrong by keeping your room clean. When your sister says you're an asshole, kill her with kindness. But mostly, I just want to remind you that what ever they say about you, it's not true. You deserve more than the treatment you are being given right now. and i know you can get through it and come out on top because you are so incredibly strong. <3 good luck! I hope this helped a little
I know it can be awkward, but maybe a heartfelt talk with your mother could help was your relationship with her allways like this? Does she resent something? Is it something you did? I'm sure she loves you, after all you're her child, try expressing how you feel and maybe she'll see she's been unfair to you.
I'm in a similar situation, my family is disappointed in me because I'm not exactly as they imagined I would grow up to be. I'm lazy, I'm not feminine in any sense xD, my mom even says that I "walk like a duck". And it appears that my future is pretty much ruined. My personal decision is to cut all ties with my family - apart from my brother, sister, and aunt - as soon as I move out. However, it's not something I recommend for anyone. Listen to those other two guys because they know what they're saying. Maybe you can fix your relationships before you get to the point where you wash your hands of them. I wish you the best of luck. ^~^
I have asked this before and the most helpful reply I got was if it ever occurred to me that under all these outspoken criticisms, maybe they have an underlying message, one where they care about your happiness and your well-being. Think of it as tough love.

You don't have to feel like a disappointment. Be proud that you have been fine all this time. Life isn't a total disaster, its workable. And you are young, you have your health, which is very important if you have things you want to go after in life. And you have your family! Who are on your side, no matter that they don't know that what they are doing isn't really helping you at the moment.

If you can find some quiet time, maybe right before you doze off to sleep, have these intimate conversations with your family in your head. Where you can talk to them and be listened to, and if you can find it to hug them even if its only in your thoughts.. I think if this could transform your view of them, and just maybe, your interactions with them would then send out a better message. Maybe one that says, they don't have to worry as much because you are alright, and you appreciate their well-intentions even if its not always done right.

Or recall a time where your whole family were together, and everything is alright, you feel at home, if there is a moment in time that maybe you can bring to the present and let that positive energy embrace you and reassure you what your family has been and quite possibly in the future, you will find yourself in this good state again, even if it'll only last for a few minutes to an hour. And when it does, be there when it happens, fully immerse yourself in those rare occasions.

That's all I have, and it has worked for me. If it helps you to know, I still have some moments where I dread receiving a call from them or I get anxiety before family gatherings. But these have worked for me. Cheers to us who have tough love going for us.