I’ll try to summarize my story:
I have been travelling with a guy friend of mine (I am a girl) for over a year now and I got a crush on him. However, this trip has been very hard on both of us. We were not at all on vacations, we were studying the cultures, the people (especially indigenous), the languages, the issues the countries have to face, etc. We’ve been through a lot psychologically. I went throught what they call an existential crisis. It sounds silly but it is basically what it was: I started doubting of everything I believed in, I started being confused by a lot of things, I had trouble putting my thoughts in order, I could not recognize myself anymore and I have not been able to share all this with my friend because I could not really understand what was going on with me at the moment.
Now, things are better. I am not “cured” yet but I am feeling better and I am in the right track to sort everything out and have control over myself again. I have plans, both personnal and professional, I have goals, even if they might be hard to reach, and I understand many of the things I have been though.
However, this all personnal mess I have been trough has had consequences on my relationship with my friends. First, obviously, he has not fallen in love with me (although at some point I, and everybody else, thought he did) and I can’t be surprised, I did not like myself either anymore and he was going through a very tough phase too so… But beyond that, I think he started to find me weird and to think I had weird opinions on things because my thoughts were all messed up and I was talking silly things trying to find out what felt right (I don’t know if that makes any sense). I also think I have been relying on him too much because I needed a rock at that point if I did not want to drift completely and I feel ashamed I did that. And well, I have to admit that my physical appearance was really not good, and although I know it is not the most important, the fact is, there was no way he could be attracted to me a little more every day when all I had was 3 outfits (we were living in the jungle and stuff so fancy clothes were a very bad idea and many clothes were heavy to carry everyday) + messy hair I never styled + terrible skin since I had no time and no need to take care of it.
Basically, I don’t know how to make things right. We are going back to our country in a few months and we are going to start again with college. We will probably be living together although we have not talked about that in a long time and I do not know if he still wants to. I want to start anew. I have tons of projects, I want to create an association I have been working on for a few months, I want to create events in our town, I want to write a book, I want to do so many things and tal about so many things that matter to me. Also, I want to change my physical appearance so I look more like a girl, which should not be a problem in our country as opposed to where I am now. In short, I am going to be a new person when I am home because I went to all this stuff and I came back alive and changed.
Now, I think he is going to like that person. I like her very much, and I know him enough to know he will like her too but I don’t know how to fix the image he has of me now. I don’t know how to explain him everything that happened in my head, why it happened, and how I fixed it. I don’t know how to apologize for having let go sometimes because I felt completely lost. I don’t know how to tell him I am reviving and I don’t know how to tell him “give me a second chance to be a great person because I think I won’t screw it up this time”? I feel like I would need a PowerPoint presentation to explain clearly everything I have been through and everything I understood lately because if feel like if I don’t show him the whole picture, he won’t get it.
I don’t know if any o this makes sense but if it does to you, can you give me some advice ?