I don’t even know where to begin…
For those of you who are willing to take the time to read my story, thank you.
As far as I can remember I grew up as a very quiet yet curious little girl. I was always shy around people all my life but I had less than a handful of best friends growing up.
My best friends went on without me in elementary school (I failed 3rd grade)
and I remember being confused and didn’t understand why I was below them.
I also remember the school taking me out of regular class for ESOL classes (English as a Second Language) but I believe they did that because they thought I didn’t know English but I was just very quiet and didn’t like to participate in class because I was shy. I started to believe I was dumb when other kids would make fun of me for failing the third grade so starting in Middle School, I decided to just lie and say I started school late.
In my teenage years, when I started to go out.
I realized that I felt embarrassed being out in public.
I would think that I was going to run into someone I knew
or that one of my parents friends would see me walking the streets and it felt embarrassing to me. I didn’t understand why, but I just didn’t like to be seen in public, confrontations, nor socializing.
Also, growing up very close to my brother, I was a tomb boy
so i enjoyed hanging out with groups of guys & doing boy things, like playing video games, riding bike, skating, or just hanging out at the park and talking about cool things.
I always found myself talking to guys was much easier than girls.
Anyways, in Middle School I got my first boyfriend and he was one of the guys in the group that i would always hang with so we got along very well. We we’re really cool together, we really liked each other until rumours happened, and we broke up because I believe he cheated on me with his best friend. That was probably the first time I felt deceived. I would still hang out with him every once in a while after we broke up because I secretly loved him for years but we were just friends. One day, he saw me and came up to me at the park and asked me if I said “I hope him and Alie break up” and I denied it and he said, “I should deck you in the face” which means to hit with a skateboard. I then became intimidated and moved on from the group since I didn’t feel safe, leaving most of them behind except one of them named Eddy, which was a grade below me. I was already in 7th grade at the time and I remember 7th grade was very hard for me, I couldn’t concentrate on school because I was more involved on my ex. Leaving me to flunk the 7th grade for poor grades.
I then changed schools because they built a new one closer to my home and I thought to myself that I was really screwed. I was going to be with kids 2 years younger than me and that was already a feeling of embarrassment. Eddy and I were in the same grade and same school at the time and I remember being thankful for that. I would walk him home and feed him half of my sandwich i bought for us everyday. I didn’t have feelings for him, I’ve just always believed sharing was important to me. Anyways, I then met this guy in middle school & we had home economics together and he was the same age as me and I really liked him. This relationship was my first time being exposed to any sexual contact.
I was never thinking of having sex but he would touch me and it did feel good but I was also afraid to say no. I also thought he was a virgin because I was a virgin so I thought It was special but eventually I found out he had sex with his ex and I felt very disturbed by this and I remember arguing and crying a lot that I felt like I gave my virginity to the wrong person and he thought i was overreacting & it wasn’t something to cry about, which made me start questioning my sanity. Whatever, that was just ONE long ass relationship.
I eventually broke up with him because I thought he was cheating on me because I looked through his call log and found he was talking on the phone to another girl over night for hours.
It was the beginning of my Sophomore year in High School, I then quickly engaged in another relationship. His name was Derek, which coincidentally was Eddy’s older brother. I was 17 by the time I switched up relationships and he was 21. We got along very good for about a month, clean fun, but things eventually started to get bad when he was more interested in having sex with other women since I didn’t give him anything. I remember him flirting with other girls on twitter and embarrassing me in front of all his “followers” by telling them stuff like “my girlfriend only made a twitter to stalk me, how annoying” which was not even true, I thought that was completely ridiculous and egotistical. He would also flirt to girls over twitter so people, including me, can see it. It was a REALLY stupid relationship. He was 21 but acted 15.
Then I became close friends with this guy named Jose, which was some kid i thought was annoying as hell from my first year doing 7th grade. We catched up in my sophomore year (he was a junior) and we got eventually got close. He had been with this girl for about 2 years and couldn’t get over her, though he said he wanted to. I eventually caught feelings for him and that’s when things started going downhill. I would sneak him in my room though my window just so we can hang out, watch movies, videos and stuff then he’d leave around 4 a.m. Eventually we would lay down together in a twin sized bed and just talk until one day he kissed me and I kissed him back. We had sex before we got into a relationship but he didn’t know I liked him. He questioned If I did the same thing with Derek and I said No but he didn’t believe me. Of course not, not with that stupid mindset guys have now a days thinking all guys are “hoes”. I had to persuade him to be my boyfriend and I felt like a worthless clown doing so. I believed he loved to make me beg. I told him it felt wrong to be having sex without being in a relationship so he eventually called it a “relationship” but it was just a meaningless label. He still had so many feelings for his ex that I didn’t know about. While in this “relationship” he offered me whiskey this one time and I was pretty excited about it since I never drank before. He ended up giving me about 6 shots and had sex with me. He was also a smoker so I would just stare around his group of friends while they would smoke and I’d just wait for them to finish. I was highly against it for a while and wanted him to stop but he wouldn’t. He would just explain to me how harmless it was. Eventually we were with a group of friends going to the beach at night and I jokingly said, I’m going to “hit the doobie” and everyone was like “noo way! your first time getting high is awesome” and I was only playing but when they passed me the joint, all eyes were on me & i didn’t wanna seem like a pussy. Anyways after that day, I loved getting high. I became highly addicted to the feeling. I would smoke everyday. If it wasnt provided, I would ask my parents for money and buy it myself with him. Our relationship revolved around smoking weed everyday after school, & weekend sex to more smoking weed.
One of those weekends, Jose’s best friend, BK, offered me to drink some Molly Water (xtc in water) & I thought it was harmless since I only drank a bit of it and i thought it worked since I felt so mellow, I didn’t know what I was supposed to feel.
The next day I got money and bought myself my own molly, and me, jose, and his neighbor leslie, decided to take a trip to downtown & I tried my first ecstasy roll by myself. He treated me like crap while i was under the influence of xtc. I was feeling euphoria for my first time and he would ruin it by making fun of me or telling me I was getting annoying. He also didn’t take care of me as I was running out of oxygen in the train on the way back, I had to run for water. I told myself i was NEVER going to forgive that fucking douche bag but I had to because I realize I had no friends. Jose, BK, and Leslie were the only friends I had so i had to forgive and forget. Eventually i believe he started to get annoyed by me so he would embarrass me whenever he can. I used to sit in his table since i had no where else to go and his group of friends were always there. One time, one of the guys that was sitting there threw rice at me, Jose didn’t do anything about it so I went up to the guy and punched him in the face and he threatened me by saying his black girl friend was going to beat my ass after school but it didn’t happened because lucky for me, his sister knew who i was and asked me what happened? and she was sweet and understanding so she told me she’ll take care of it.
Another time he screamed at me telling me “get out of here you worthless mutt” and I started to cry and ran to the bathroom. I called one of my acquaintance friends Danny which sat in the same table him, asking him to help me and he comforted me. At that point, I got the point. He wanted me to stay away from him. He started holding hands with his ex girlfriend (the one he claimed to be in love with) and she came with her 3 other girl friends a day later, during lunch and one of the girls, eylem, goes “Why’d you favorite that tweet?” and I was like “what tweet” and she goes “that tweet that Melissa posted saying “@Jen @Eylem @Britany are fucking sluts” and I was like “wtf? your bothering me because i favorited a tweet someone else wrote” and they’re like “yeah cause you agree on it right?” and I’m like, that doesn’t mean shit, get over yourself and they told me to fight them after school so I was like mentally prepared for this. One of the guys that knows those girls came up to me and told me he’d like to help me out, I said okay. So he drove me to the place where we were going to fight and I was expecting Jose, His ex gf, Jen, Eylem and Britany but only Jose, Jen, and Eylem came. Jen came up to me and said “look we don’t wanna fight anymore or get into trouble with the school so lets just – and then that’s when I punched her in the face. I kept attacking her and she attacked back. She ripped off my shirt and I was fighting in a bra which was REALLY embarrassing but I had too much adrenaline to care. My friend gave me her sweater and put it on. She tried to hit me again and I grabbed her head and kept smashing it about 5 times against a wooden fence. Eylem then grabbed me by the back and they both started attacking me until someone pulled jen away and it was only me and eylem. She was bigger than me and I’m really skinny so she got me to fall on the floor and started kicking me. All of a sudden, a random girl (it was my drivers sister) gets out the car and starts telling the other girls to fight HER and then they just started walking away and the girl was like “wtf is your problem ganging up on this girl, FIGHT ME, FIGHT ME, Sombody film them walking away” & right after that, we then heard the sirens coming and everyone ran. I couldnt run, i was bleeding from my face and the driver told me to just walk besides him leaning on him so it looks like we’re just casual people walking and it worked. The cops passed us and nothing. unfortunately the next day, the school found out because someone recorded the fight and everyone was watching it during lunch time in a big circle and security saw it and reported it. The last thing Jose told me was that his mother thought I was a Hoe for walking with a group of guys and I remember feeling even more disturbed walking anywhere wheather it was just with one guy or a group of them.
Eventually after suspension, i become closer to Danny and he told me he liked me since the beginning of time, he claims. We got along really well and we would hang out after school sometimes to smoke since he lived right there to me. I eventually met this boy named tommy, and he was 16 and I was 18 at the time.
This relationship was also a really bad one. I doubted it from the start but I gave it a chance because some girls I knew persuaded me to give it a chance.
So we got into a relationship and everything was okay, you know how everything is okay the first few months. Then eventually he wanted to take drugs, since he had experience with acid before, I felt like It would be a comfortable experience. We tripped a lot of times, probably about 10-15 times.
Not only did I get into acid at the time, I was also rolling again only this time consecutively, still smoking weed everyday, and also got introduced into Xanax.
I became addicted to xanax and didn’t realize it till much later.
It was the worst for me. I would take one and lose control of my actions.
I would lose my values, I would steal beers, I would even steal money from my parents to get more drugs since It was so cheap and easy to get. My parents eventually started realizing that I was on drugs and I wouldn’t remember a single thing they would tell me. They would tell me I was slurring my words and not even looking okay but I didn’t care, I was addicted and my parents opinion didn’t matter, Until one day, this girl named xiomara told me about this party about an hour away from the city and I agreed on going with her and I took my boyfriend which was a drug dealer at the time. He sold xanax at the time so he would give me them for free. That time of the party, I had lost count of how many I took because I kept forgetting If i lost them or took them already and I was also excessively drinking alcohol. My boyfriend at the time told me that I had been falling all over the party and that I was told to lay down on the couch but I couldnt stay still, I kept trying to get up and falling back on the floor. He said I was embarrasssing him so Xiomara had to take me home and she was mad that she had to leave within less than an hour of the party. I woke up to my parents crying and worried sick if I was alive and conscious since they found me on the floor outside my house. I then realized that it was becoming an addiction and it wasn’t healthy and I was even lucky to be alive and safe. I looked through my bag and was missing my debit card. When I checked my bank account I was in debt for $30 of overdraft (i only had like a dollar). I told xiomara she took my card and used it to pay for her gas but she denied it. I tried to get my boyfriend to stop taking xanax but he was very uncontrollable.
Everyday he would try to get xanax, marijuana, and beer. Whatever he could get his hands on.
Eventually It started driving me away from him after I soon started to realize he was getting more and more violent. He threw my phone down the sewer once when he was mad at me for wanting to go home once. Many times he’s pushed me to the ground. He punched his laptop screen and threw it out the window once when I caught him with a girl’s nude. He’s also broken his parents room window once because his dad said something mean about me and his parents had to call the cops on him. He got arrested and I was depressed. I was very confused. I questioned so much if he really liked me, if it was worth this, if I’m ruining my life, ect.
To be honest, ALL the relationships ive been in HAVE gaven me so many reason to question “Does he really like me?” as you can see. Which led to realize very late that they were all wrong and I was doing nothing wrong. I never had bad intentions, they ALL did eventually. I was being taken advantaged of by all those guys and clearly i didn’t know what a real man was like. I didn’t know what self respect was. I didn’t know I had none. I also didn’t know how much all of this would effect me when I reached adulthood.
As you can see, I’ve been through a lot and this story doesn’t not even include all the full details. I’ve made way too many mistakes. I’m so ashamed of myself. After my relationship with tommy ended, I decided I didn’t want to be with anyone. I was so overwhelmed with the confusion, frustration with my life, and more depressed than ever.
I started my senior year with only about 2 friends, and then I realized that I just had no interest in keeping their friendships because eventually it won’t matter. I would grab my lunch and go eat in the bathroom stall or go to the agriscience room and eat there with my only girl friend named sasha. (We were actually really cool but don’t even talk anymore)
I got so used to being lonely from the start & I didn’t want to make an effort to make more friends so i knew I was going to have a terrible year. I didn’t participate in nothing, I just avoided as much as I can. I missed a lot of school because I found it extremely hard to get up in the morning for school since every night I would just stay up for hours and think about my miserable life. The only thing I looked forward to was getting high and drunk on the weekends with some out-of-school friends, It was my excitement every weekend.
One day I went to a pub and brought my camera to take pictures for an assignment that was due for photography. This guy, His name was Carlos, noticed me taking pictures of the performers and started asking me questions of interest. As soon as I layed my eyes on him, I felt this very strong attraction for him but I knew I had to be aware this time. He then started to flirt with me and quickly kissed me and I was just in shock but I knew i didn’t wanna let the chance go by.
He took me to the back to make out with me and I was just going along with it. He told me If I wanted to see his Artwork back in his home and I said of course. So we drove to his house and we had a great time, we sat in his backyard with his dog for a while and looked at the stars. we talked about life in gereral, he told me about his life and I told him about mine, we even danced and it was a really special moment to me. Eventually he kissed me again but he was touching me and I said “I’m not really sure about this” and he said “don’t worry, just relax” and I was still worried. We had sex and it was great but during the sex, I did feel that something i was afraid of. Which was him being phony. He wanted me to say his name during rough sex but i didn’t see it that way. I felt like we were making love but it was obvious that he was just “fucking” more than making love. I disregarded it because I thought after that night, we were sure to be together. After having sex, he let me sleep over his house and he made me breakfast and took me home. He said he was going to call me later on that day, and so he did. He picked me up and we went to the park. At first he treats me with kindness (holds my hand while he drives, looks at me when i’m not looking, smiles at me, hugs me, ect) and I told him I wanted him to be my boyfriend eventually and he said, I’m going to be honest with you, I think you’re the most beautiful girl i’ve had sex with and that’s all he was looking for and I just felt my heart completely shatter. This is the most unbelievable thing in the world to me. How could someone DO THAT & act like it’s OKAY? I told him to leave me alone and I walked home crying.
I didn’t hear from him since but apparently he added me on facebook and I didn’t know who he was. He was messaging about 2 months after that happened trying to get in contact with me but I didn’t know who he was over facebook so I didn’t bother reading them until one day he messaged me again while I was online and said “Hey, it’s me, Don’t you remember we had sex?” And I said “Fuck off” because i didn’t know who it was. I checked his profile pictures and saw his face and quickly apologized. He asked me How was I doing? and that he wanted to catch up with me because he missed me and wanted to see me. I fell for it.
We meet up the day after and we talked for a bit and vented to me about his life and quickly tried to engage in having sex and I kept saying no about 5 times, that i wasn’t even planning on doing this but he just kept telling me “come on, you know you want to” and yeah, i gave in. Now I hate my life even more because I confirmed myself as a whore, just the way he saw me.
I became even more depressed after that night, hopeless looking for love. Or just a hand to hold.
I knew he didn’t mean anything he said. I knew his tricks, I just didn’t know what would happen if I wouldve resisted and that kinda scared me.
Since the way I dealt with my depression was by going out every night, staying away from home, drinking and smoking, I didn’t care who it was anymore. As long as I knew I could take advantage of them, I could careless. I started hanging out with this guy named Joey and Joey invited me one day to a “get together” and I said “sure i’ll go”. We went and it was only him, me, and his friend. Joey offered me a drink and I said yeah. We started smoking and drinking and he asked me if I wanted to drink more and I said no, i’d like some water so he gave me water. He also asked, do you want a percocet? and I was like what’s that? Joey said, It makes you super relaxed and I said, “Is it like xanax? I don’t take those anymore.” He said “No it’s not like xanax, you’re not going to forget” and I said, Okay. So i took it and after that, I don’t remember a single thing. I woke up the next morning in my bed and started questioning how did I get home? Did I get robbed? Was I missing anything? I looked in the mirror and saw my eyes were puffy. I then knew I mustve been crying that night, i wasn’t sure why. I went to the bathroom and realized I was sore down there and that’s when I REALLY started getting scared. I tried so hard to think back at what happened and I couldn’t remember a thing. I tried to contact the Joey but he blocked me off everything. I knew that something went terribly wrong. After that night, I couldn’t stop thinking about the endless possibilies of what couldve happened. Eventually I remembered another piece of what happened that night. I knew I was crying because I became concious while he was having sex with me and my innerconcious was crying for help. I was still under the effect of the Percocet but I remember him telling me “Stop! Come on you said you wanted to” and I know it was just a cover up because those could never be my natural intentions. Not sober, nor any influence. I am just not that type of girl. I’ve never been promiscious in that way.
I knew I had to tell someone, so I told Danny. I don’t believe Danny believed me though. He asked me if it was really “rape” because a lot of girls say that. At that moment I knew It was a mistake to let him know, which also broke my heart to believe that one of the only friend I had thinks of me that way.
I felt our friendship was distorted.
I shortly stopped hanging out with him and left on Vacation to Texas. When I came back, nothing much changed. I was still hopeless but started going back to the “out-of-school friends” which are the drop out potheads, and kept drinking and smoking whenever possible.
One of those days, I gave up on myself and told myself I didn’t care anymore.
I called up Carlos knowing that either I was going to get hurt one way or another, I just didnt care. I got all pretty for him, i even curled my hair for the first time and got picked up at my friends house. I wanted to just talk and rest on his chest but that’s not how thing turned out to be. He started to place his hand on my thigh and I quickly moved it away. He did it again after a while, and I moved it once more. By that time, I already knew what he wanted and it reminded me of the time I got raped. He grabbed my hand and just kept driving. When we came to a stop, he parked behind a building and started kissing me and telling me how beautiful i looked then he asked If I was okay but In my head I instantly knew he didn’t care, i’m not stupid anymore. All I said was that I have a bad addiction to drugs and depression and he told me that he’d like to help me by taking me to the local group couseling class he supposedly teaches. He handed me a pamphlet with all the local groups for help around the area. The stupid part was that I found hope right then and there. I believed he was trying to help. But it wasn’t too long before he proved himself wrong. He started touching me and It kept feeling more disturbing than anything but I let & I told myself I wouldn’t let things happened but I’m just so easy for him. I let him take control over me and I tried to stop thinking about rape but I couldn’t & i was in too deep already. I even knew it was going to happen again some time soon. I felt a bit happy because I knew i was desperate to see him but the depression was still really noticable. He told me he loved me & cared for me, which was the biggest lie of them all. He then gave me a long hug goodbye. I arrived home and he calls me again the next day.
He took me to his house and we just got straight to the point. It was obvious I didn’t give a fuck about myself and I wasn’t afraid to show it anymore, not even to the man I believed to have loved. He then asked me If I wanted to smoke with him (which was very controversal, he just said he wanted to help me the day before) and of course, I did… but I must say he’s got fucking nerve. He then took me home.
He showed up at my friends house (the one i got picked up from) and asked my friend If I was planning on showing up? And then he purposely talked on the phone really loud in front of my friends saying “I’m going to fuck this black girl” About 5 times so my friends can hear it and was also snorting a bunch of coke he had, acting like a big shot, as my friend described.
My friend Krystal told me the next day and I was so fucking destroyed. I didn’t wanna believe it. I couldnt. I didn’t even know I still had any sort of pain left to feel but believe me, it felt like a punch to the stomach and every day after that I woke up to that same unforgetable feeling.
I ran into him at the same place we meet and started drinking excessively and quickly.
Krystal told me that I should punch him in the face and I walked right behind him where he was standing with my fist closed and I thought, wait. I don’t think this is a good idea.
So i tapped him on the shoulder and took him away from the crowd. He gave me a smile and I smiled back while throwing my hand across his face and walking away proud. I was satisfied. He was a jerk and I knew he deserved it. After a couple more drinks, I went to look for him again and found him in the back of the bar. I came up to him while he was offering coke to my friend and I said “oh you sell coke now? you’re a big time drug dealer or something punk?” and he said “can you back off?” and I slowly backed up with my eyes locked on him. I knew I intimidated him, and embarrassed him in front of his friend but It didn’t feel like it was enough satisfaction for me. Compared to the pain I felt for months, it was only a small fraction of happiness.
Ever since that terrifying day, I feel like it follows me. I’m scared of people & I don’t trust no one.
My friend Danny always tries to forcefully kiss me or grab my butt when he hugs me and it becomes so traumatizing, I yell at him and hit him sometimes but he thinks I’m “fronting” , meaning that I have hidden feelings for him and I’m playing hard to get. It’s not a fucking joke, I always tell him to please stop and he always “supposedly” gets the wrong idea.
Now I lock myself in my house, I stay inside cars, I stay away from people as much as I can. I have also have paranoia.
I just wish everyone knew what they were responsible for.
Yes, I deleted my Facebook about a month ago and I’ve been so much happier without it. I feel like Social Networks are a place to be subliminally tortured.
I notice many people are SO distracted by their phones and probably 70% of the time it’s because they’re busy paying attention to other peoples lives, they don’t notice they have a life outside of Instagram. Others will just put them selfs down everytime they see a beautiful girl on the internet and that is why I believe we have so many people suffering from depression, low self esteem, ect. It’s so much better to live OFF social networks. You are not really being social. Being social is going out and talking face to face, meeting other people. Also, I have cut down on smoking a lot. I know it’s not going to be a problem for me anymore & also drinking was never my favorite thing to do. I only liked it when I was depressed. Now that i’ve been off social networks, i’ve cut out all those “friends” of mine, I feel so much relief. I have so many things to do around my house. I am truly blessed to be alive and to take the big step forward into adulthood. Thank you for your replies.