How to control my paranoia and jelousy

My boyfriend and I, also, suffered from terrible past relationships. For a year, even after I had full trust in him, I was still accused of cheating, of flirting, of checking other guys out, when NONE of that ever happened. I was very close to leaving him because I couldn't deal with the accusations. It is VERY difficult to constantly be wrongly accused. Controlling it? Well... for me, I had to trust. And that was the hardest part. I had to trust that it won't be the same as other relationships. Trust what he said. I also had to look at him and our relationship and ask myself if he'd done anything to betray my trust. He hadn't, so what could I accuse him of? Nothing. There's something that I had to accept, too. If he was going to betray me, he sure as hell wouldn't NOT betray me because I was super jealous. Like, being the way I was wasn't going to stop him. I knew, and he knew, that we had to be all we could be to make this work. So if I was 100% awesome all the time, and he still cheated, then I had to accept that it would happen anyways. If a man, or anyone, is going to betray, then it's going to happen. There's no stopping that. And I knew if I spent all my time being worried then I would chase him away anyways. Once I accepted that, it was easier because I knew if he would betray me, he was not the guy for me. Life seems to be all about trial and error... and if something is going to break you up, then it's going to happen no matter what. Try accepting things for the way they are, and the way they could be. Accept that if he's going to cheat, he's a tool. And not right for you. Accept that if you break up, you'll find someone better. And accept that if he really likes you, or loves you, he'll never do anything to hurt you.

Hello Miss Charlotte, thank you for sharing your feelings with us.

I am terribly sorry to hear that your prior affair took such a heavy toll on you. I came out of a very bitter marriage, myself. It is easy to see where you are coming from.

Paranoia and jealousy are two of the most potent human emotions, they are arguably the most poisonous. Both emotions disallow you to trust, and both cloud your ability to think clearly. It is bad enough living with just one of those problems.

You must pull your mind out of the past and stop allowing yourself to dwell on how you were hurt. You would not want someone else to judge you based on something you were not even involved with, so it is unfair and prejudicial to treat someone else that way. Fear is natural, and nobody can fault you for being afraid of being hurt again, but you still must live your life. A life lived full of fear is no good life lived.

Consult a mirror and ask yourself what you are holding onto that forces your mind back to fear, accept that it happened to you, then tell yourself to let it go. You are not protecting yourself from getting hurt by behaving this way, you are pushing away someone who loves you out of a misguided attempt at avoiding one particular kind of pain. You are avoiding being hurt one way so zealously that you are almost guaranteeing that you will be hurt another.

There is a misguided mentality that some people adopt in attempting to avoid being hurt, that of pushing people away before they have a chance to hurt you. That is not okay. To even have that mentality, you must believe that by default, everyone will hurt you eventually. It is quite possibly the worst defense mechanism; it doesn't protect you, it isolates you from everyone who might have helped you otherwise.

You must allow yourself to trust again, because the poison of distrust is making your life worse in a worse way that how you were hurt to begin with. That is a prime example of the maxim "The greatest harm can result from the best intentions." - you hurt yourself by trying too hard to not be hurt. It is a sick form of irony.

Tell yourself that it is okay or you to be happy again. There will always be people you cannot trust, but you must live your life. A life not lived is a life wasted, and it is impossible to go through life without getting hurt. You must make a place for the pain until it subsides, a place that allows you to cope with your pain and continue living.

You are among friends here. If you get need to talk, my inbox is always open. Never forget that you deserve the same chance at pursuing your happiness as anyone else. Never let anyone or anything stifle your will to live happily. Most importantly, never forget that you matter, and you are not alone.