How should I deal with someone I’m uncomfortable with?

A few months ago, my parents invited me to a dinner with a group of families. One man is the husband of a close friend of my mom’s, and I despise him. I could list pages of things he’s said (previous dinners and that particular dinner) that were insensitive and bigoted, but this happened at that specific dinner, and it was the last straw for me:
I was talking with his daughter about how proms in our city are finally acknowledging same-sex couples and he burst in with “People that act gay are just doing it for the attention. It’s not natural, since no one’s actually like that.” and a few other ridiculous statements.
At the time, I had already come out to my parents as demisexual but neither of them said anything. I know that they try to be diplomatic and don’t like having arguments in public areas, which I understand, so I don’t hold anything against them. After he was done, I excused myself and drove away from the restaurant.
Since then, I’ve been invited to 3 or 4 dinners with my parents but decided to turn them down because I knew he’d be attending. However, my mom really wants me to have dinner with them tomorrow, for Mother’s Day, and I really hate to avoid it but I don’t know if I can sit through a dinner with him. Any advice?
(Note: standing up to him in the restaurant is not an option. My mom would be heartbroken if her lifelong friend, his wife, stopped coming to dinners because his family left the ‘group’.)

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Sheepy

3 Answers

I would go, But not sit near him, or just ignore him. If you have done this before, then I suggest Talking to your mom about not being comfortable before he arrives or even before the dinner. Also, you could talk to him personally about you not liking what he says around you (if you're Comfortable with doing so). If you also wanted to, if he does say anything out of hand at the dinner, stand up to him after the dinner. tell him how you feel about what he says and ask him to tone it down a bit. If he still doesn't Understand what you're trying to get across, tell your mom that you can't stand him, but don't just totally say 'I'm not ever going out for dinner if that guys around' Maybe just say you wont always go, but you will sometimes, just to show your mom you care about her and yourself too. Just keep in mind though, you need to do whats best for yourself first sometimes rather than keeping others happy while you're unhappy.

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Jocelyn Stevens

I would also go. But if you don't think sitting away from his going to help then maybe you could wait til he gets on a subject you don't like and hurry up and change it. Just think of a couple things to change the subject to in case it happens. If he doesn't leave the subject maybe try just saying something like a lot of people have different opinions on this subject so maybe we should talk about something else so we don't make anyone uncomfortable. Or just something along those lines maybe. If none of those things work just excuse yourself from the table and leave or think of a good excuse before you go just in case. Also you may want to consider talking to your mom before but if you don't think it will help then maybe just stick with the things from before.

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X81796

I would go. Instead of standing up to him when he says something ignorant, I would just question him in a sort of neutral, curious voice, as to why he thinks that way. When he explains his reasoning, notice the weak points he makes. Then question those the same way. You might plant a seed of doubt in him without coming off as angry, and you can just change the topic and still feel like you've represented yourself well. Or just ignore him. If he's really that bad he doesn't deserve your time in any way.

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stamosa