How serious is this?

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I got way, way too drunk last weekend. I blacked out for about an hour, and the first thing I remember after that is being in the laundry room of a fraternity. I don’t know how I got there or where my friends had gone, but I was with a guy I vaguely knew. The first thing I remember is him saying he was going to go get a condom. I was okay with that at the time and waited in the laundry room while he got it. We started hooking up and he started doing some things that I was okay with, like pulling my hair and things like that. It wasn’t anything painful or abusive. I consented to all of that and even asked for it, but then he started doing things that I didn’t ask for or want. He called me a bitch and a slut, he slapped me, he hit my head on the ground, and he choked me. I was so drunk that I wasn’t really processing what was happening, and I was scared, so I didn’t say anything. When it was over I got dressed quickly and ran home. I broke down halfway there and called some of my friends, but it was 2 AM so they were mostly asleep. I talked to my ex-boyfriend and my roommate on the phone, but didn’t tell them what happened. I just wanted to hear someone’s voice. The guy messaged me later and asked if I was okay, and told me hadn’t meant anything he said. He seems like a nice guy that was just confused about what I wanted. But I still feel so gross and uncomfortable. Should I talk to him and tell him that it wasn’t okay? I don’t want to report him or anything, I just feel like I need to react somehow. I’ve mostly kept this to myself but I’m wondering if I should talk to someone. What would you do if something like this happened to you?

Category: Tags: asked February 27, 2015

4 Answers

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Here's the thing. Even if you don't want to report him you should.

You were not of sound mind to be consenting. Blacking out and not having control over your situation is not consent. The fact that you either were that drunk or were slipped something tells me that what he's doing is not right.

If he was confused about what you wanted he shouldn't have been having sex with you. By most legal and moral standards you have been raped. And this is serious. He apologized mostly because he wanted to convince you he was a good guy and he didn't want you to go to the police.

You might want to seek a professional therapist.
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I agree with Swifting here. You should report that fucker. You were in no way coherent enough to give consent. There's a word for this...oh right! Rape! On top of assault and battery. He "apologized" so you wouldn't tell anyone. This guy is a bona fide piece of shit OP. Treat him as such.
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It's not right that he did those things while you were drunk. When someone is drunk, they don't realize what they're doing. He should have been more responsible. It sounds like he abused the situation. Even if during it he asked you if you were okay with it, that's still no valid reason for him to do such things. He shouldn't have done that while you were drunk. What he did to you sounds really rough. The message he has sent you afterwards doesn't indicate he cares, more likely it means he's scared you'd go to the police to report him. He might be tricking you into thinking he would be a nice guy. Honestly if he would truly be a nice guy, then he wouldn't have done those things while you were drunk. If he was really a nice guy, he would have taken care of you and make sure you would get home safe. What he did was wrong. When you're drunk, you're not in a state to be aware of what you're doing. Therefore, this can count as rape. You can try to have a talk with him about it. He should definitely know that you're not okay with what happened. You could also report him and then there will be a clear judgement of what happened.
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I'd talk to him about the situation. If you said he seems like a nice guy then there shouldn't be a problem bringing it up. The fact 'that he mssaged you asking if you were alright not o ly shows that he cares but also means that he's willing to talk and listen. He may have just thought that you wanted rough sex, since he was grabbing you hair and all of that. It's easy for things to escalate when it comes to that. I'll try not to get too involved in the touchy subject of rape. I don't even know if that crosses your mind or if you consider it rape or not. You two were the only ones there so you two are the only ones who know. I mean he could have been more drunk then you, or thought you wanted rough sex when he didnt even want it. I'll leave it up for you to judge. I'd talk to friends and tell them but I think talking to this guy will help you out the most.


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