How have you gotten over your husband’s affair?

Thinking man I don't believe that two wrongs make a right and I honestly don't believe doing the same thing would make me feel better I feel like it would make me feel worse. I am not good at forgiving at all I hold many grudges and it has kept me from a lot of people. The only reason I am considering forgiving this man is because I truly live him and he is the father on my daughters, also because I believe in the commitment you make when you marry someone. I want to know if it is worth forgiveness. I know we are all flawed and I can't honestly say I have been perfect I have control issues and the need to do things my way because I think it's the only way. I am willing to admit my faults though in no way am I justifying his affair. I want some words of wisdom here. Mongoose your statement makes me feel a little better but I'm stuck saying an affair is not a little lie though a lie in itself. I'm stuck in this dilemma should I throw away a marriage or do I swallow my pride and hope for the best. It's hard when I am so hurt by what he did.

damn well im going to be honest. Ive been cheated on many times before and its one of the most painful things to go through. I look back every day and thank myself for not staying with that loser or any of my other exs. I know its such a painful thing to think about since youve created a family with him. In my opinion, you deserve to be happy and you deserve to feel good about the life you have everyone does. If you take every thought out of your mind except the happy emotion, what do you see? you alone?with someone else? just think about for awhile what would make you feel a lot better. Right now it probably seems impossible for you to manage without him, but if he doesnt help you feel about this overall situation and doesnt even try to fix it up then dont even bother. If your husband make a decision like that knowing that you would be upset then does he really care? How about you ask him about your two daughters. ask him if he would be upset if their husbands did that. 9 times out of 10 a cheater is always a cheater.. You let them get away with it so they think they can do it again i mean its set up for disaster.. As fucked up as this sounds right now i would probably just get back right at his ass and make him feel worse. I know pain isnt always a solution, but if its to prove apoint to someone then whynot. At the end of the day all that matter is if you and your two duaghters and safe and okay so do whatever your gut feels is best. I really hope you can feel better regardless of what you decide to do. I wish you luck! im always here to talk too.

I've been through almost the exact same thing. In fact, aside from the kids, and the gender difference your story and mine are very much the same. I know there are days when you picture your husband and the other woman, and that you can't get that picture, that mental movie out of your mind. On that, I have two truths for you: First, you will never get those pictures or those thoughts completely out of your mind. It just doesn't work that way, no matter what. Second, what you envision is almost certainly worse than the reality. We make those movies in our heads, but we exaggerate them, partially to justify the pain and anger we feel, and partially to punish ourselves for what we perceive as our own failures, but which are actually the failures of our spouses. Neither of these truths make you feel better, but I wanted you to know that you are most certainly not alone here. Right now, you are at a crossroads. On one side, if you leave him, and if you get some treatment and counseling to help you deal with the loss of your marriage, there is a possibility that you might meet someone who is great and who cares for you and your kids. Of course, you also might not meet this great guy, this is a gamble. The only sure thing is that this guy won't be able to hurt you again. Down the other path, you work to save your marriage, and forgive his affair. Maybe you and he, again with treatment and counseling, maybe you have a long and happy marriage for the rest of your lives. Maybe he never does it again. On the other hand, maybe he does, and you face the same crossroads later on in life. Or maybe you accept this because of your kids. The only constant here is that the trust you once had for this man is gone. You will always be a little suspicious, and this will cause actress on you and your marriage.I don't know which is the right path for you. I chose to forgive, and she wound up leaving anyway. It screwed me up badly, and I'm still trying to find all the pieces to put myself back together. I hope better for you.

You guys make a lot of sense, i dont want to leave for Many reasons, our family, our marriage, the many plans we have for our future. I feel like we are both very young still and he still needs to mature. When I bring up the affair and ask him why he didn't he states that he wasn't thinking of the consequences that he just let things happen. I tell him why didn't you think about me or your daughters and he says he doesn't know. He says he feels very guilty about it and never cared for the other woman. The problem question for me is can i forgive since I haven't been able to in the past and how does someone forgive this. How much time would it take. I don't think he will leave me, if anything I would leave him because I am stronger than him. I don't feel like I need him financially because there are many single mom's out there. But I am scared that if I do leave I will never find a man who will love my daughters like their father does and that isn't fair for them. My dad cheated on my mom and they are still together, my father in law cheated as well and they are still together. So I do believe it is possible, I am considering counseling but I don't know if it will work or he would go. Has it worked for any of you guys?

I didn't really read all the comments as there was so many. It's human nature for us to be attracted to another. He disrespected himself also. He's lacking self-control. No i'm not saying what he did was okay by any means because NOBODY deserves that. But I feel like this is up to you. If you decide to stay with him he might not ever hurt you again. You have so much time and children mixed in. I think you should take your space if you need it. The hardest thing about the whole situation is you being with him is saying you forgive him. If your going to hold it against him that's torture for the both of you. Don't put yourself through more. If he loves you and you need your time to work past this then he will faithfully give you that. Keep your chin up you have two babies that need you.

Hi you need some space, get away and think about what you really want. If after that time you still want him back then you need to sit down and talk about it. I've turned out to be the "other woman" but didn't know he was married, would you rather she had told you?

I can't honestly say I was on the same boat. But, no one enjoys being cheated on. In most non marriage relationships you can take a break or break up. The easy route. However, marriage is difficult. There are so many factors you have to think about. I just want to throw a disclaimer out that I am just suggesting ideas to help. It's up to you and what you want to do. You know what's best for you. However, I think that there are a few things to do. You can explain to him that your trust was lost and that you have two beautiful children and that's what's the key from keeping you from leaving. if you want to work on your marriage you have to put your best foot forward. Maybe schedule a weekend get away just you two and discuss how you feel and what are some possible solutions to move forward. Also, you need to set up a limit. If it happens again you have to decide if this is a good relationship you want your children to see. Most of all you come first too. So just remember that there are options. You aren't alone. There are even support groups you can see to vent out. You don't have to stay with him. But if you want to maybe find some time for a intimate getaway or even just a night out to talk about this and to tell him that eventually you will move on from it but your trust may not. Good luck!

U said your staying with him because you believe in marriage and the vows you two took. I respect that. You respect that. But does he respect that vow. Now that it's got to this point have you considered the example your setting for your daughter? I'm sure you two try to keep it from her as much as possible but no matter how much she would notice the difference. Once she does figure it out she's gonna think its ok for guys to cheat on me my mom forgave him I can too. Even though your going through a hard time she doesn't understand that. You need to explain it to her Im sure she wants to hear it from you rather than someone else. And show her females are not one to be trifled with. It's only gonna get tougher from here but I wish you the best of luck and happiness

I know that it was a conscious decision, it would be stupid of me to believe that he is so innocent. I have lost all trust for him and am very disappointed because up until then I had no reason to doubt him, he was always so honest. I know the relationship is over because I have since became friends with people who work with him and they have confirmed this to me. I do believe that there is some toxicity in our relationship and I do agree that it does feel like he has manipulated me to stay, but I also believe that he deserves a second chance because I left him for 2 months and he refused to give up on me. If he really didn't want to be with me and just wanted to be free he would have taken the opportunity. Are you telling me it won't get better because of your experience with this? If so please share your experience with me.

Hello Mona,

To forgive or not forgive... that is the question. It would seem by your post that you are looking for motivation... or reasons to forgive. You would like things to work out. So how do we forgive? It isn't always easy but you have to try and put the person before their actions. Instead of an unfaithful husband you have a man that has had an affair. You then want to take your focus away from the negative and try and look at the positive. I've used this example here before but it applies here as well.

I was listening to a lecture once on forgiveness and a woman asked a question at the end. The woman had been married for some number of years like 7 or more and she caught her husband in a lie and asked if she should be concerned or not? The speaker knew the woman to be strong in mathematics and so he used that to answer. He said “You’ve been married for 7 years and lets say on a daily basis you have 20 conversations. We can assume on average you have at least 20. That is 7 x 365 x 20 conversations = 51100 right? ” The woman agreed they had had many conversations. The speaker continued “You’ve now caught him in 1 lie out of 51,100 conversations and that is what you are going to focus on?”

So maybe that helps.