How do you know if a married man likes you?

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Okay, so before everyone gets mad at me.. Let me explain. I met this man over a year ago, through mutual friends. Initially I had no attraction to him due to that shiny ring on his finger. In the last year, he has become my best friend. Although he is married. It’s hard to explain.. Lets just say he works in the medical field, we text, chat on the phone, and occasionally I will visit him at work. Oh did I mention he also works with my father? So everyone knows we are friends. He has never expressed to me that he is unhappy, then again he never really discusses his wife. I didn’t even know her name for months. He always just called her “the wife” I only talk to him while he is at work, when he is home or off we don’t talk, for some reason I started doing that, I’ve never text or called him while he is home, and he does not do it either. But knowing when he works, it’s like clockwork, talking all day long. We have had many conversations where it seems I’m expressing my feelings, and he will sugar coat how he really feels. From the beginning said he was a religious man, never cheated, never would, has given me advice on dating, I tell him everything, yet he does not share much with me. I’ve obviously gotten extemely emotionally attached to him. A few weeks ago we kissed. Initiated by him. After, he apologized for disrespecting me. Ever since I can’t get him out of my head. Why would he do that if he is happy? How do you know that, that one person is not “the” one! I’m so confused. Can someone please tell me what to do? I can’t, and will not “distance” myself from him, it won’t happen and I’d be lying if I said different

Category: asked July 1, 2013

2 Answers

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it is my firm belief that 'the one' does not exist. you DECIDE whether somebody is 'the one' based on many things; each one of us has his or her own collection of 'signs' that we rely on in this choice. but, ultimately, it is a choice, not something that just happens to us. there is always a certain moment when we think: can this be IT? and a moment when we decide: yeah, i'd like this to be IT, and i'm going to pursue this possibility.

quite often, talking about another person as one's 'fate', one's 'meant to be', one's 'written in the stars' is a way of excusing oneself from the responsibility for the actual DECISION to hold on to the relationship. and when the relationship is ethically sound, it sounds cute and poetic and awwww. when otherwise, it usually sounds like an excuse. it wasn't me; it was god. or the devil. somebody or something; but not me.

this is important: we are naturally attracted to people of the opposite sex, or of the same one, and it happens for a complex number of reasons that precede the romantic and primitive notion that "happily married people are never attracted to anyone but their spouse". so if you are looking for a simple answer, i'm afraid this is bad news: being happily married does not change your nature. so the kiss doesn't necessarily mean that he is unhappy in his marriage, if that's what you're rooting for. it can mean a number of things all at the same time. that he's struggling with his attraction to you. that the attraction is purely instinctive. or that it's actually deep and serious. that your friendship is so close that he's starting to confuse it with love. that kissing you seemed to him like a fitting thing to do, like, you know, sometimes you decide to play a certain music track because it perfectly fits the moment?

the 'can't get him out of my head' part can pass. it doesn't need to turn into something romantic unless you want it to. after all, friendship, too, is a form of love. nothing has any meaning beyond the one we invent. what do you want this kiss to mean? try to figure out what you want from the situation overall. once you're honest with yourself about it, your options of 'what to do about it' will be very clear. :)
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