I’ve been feeling like I need to see, well, someone for a long time now, and things are just getting worse. I can’t concentrate, and now I’m also finding things in places where I can’t for the life of me remember putting there. Like I’ll have moved something upstairs, and then I won’t be able to find it & it’ll be in the basement, although I swear I didn’t go back down that day. And this isn’t an isolated incident.
I’ve always kind of talked to myself, and definitely in more of a smeagol/gollum way than in a making mental notes way. I explain it as splitting each of my traits apart so each side of me can view an issue, but now I catch myself referring to this as ‘we’ or ‘us’ and then we start arguing.
Worse yet, I keep getting the overwhelming urge to kill. I don’t have a hit list like you often hear about with shooters & stuff, but I have a safe list of people who I would never harm. But there are times when I just want to hurt people (never animals). And my hallucinations typically encourage that (although they insist I cannot kill myself, even if it would save others)
In any case, I’ve been telling myself this is all normal, but is really don’t buy it anymore. I know I need help, but not all of me (us?) wants it. I can’t function properly, though, so the part of me that does want help is getting more desperate.
But I don’t know how to ask my parents if I can see someone. I always, on impulse, lie when they ask if I’m okay, so they have no idea anything is wrong & I don’t know how to bring it up.