I want to try and explain something to everyone, because there’s something about me that can really bug me and I don’t speak about it openly. I can’t really put my finger on the problem/s (there may be more than one thing going on here), all I know is that I feel very jealous of other people and I can’t be intimate with someone easily (when I’ve had boy friends I’ve ended up wanting to break it off because of their sexual intent) Also, when I go out somewhere or if I’m hanging out with others I seem to get stuck (withdrawn) on the way a conversation is progressing and I end up shrinking in to the back ground of it. If I do have something to say, often I will have to say it over the other top of others, and I will say it with some anticipation making it hard to say it quickly. Then I am worried when I think that people go quiet after I speak (tho that doesn’t happen all the time) like they think what I’m saying is lame or they know something about me I don’t. I am questioning myself, my life choices (what my future should look like) and I’m wondering about the nature of my sexuality (Could I be bisexual maybe, I think my friends back in high school once tried to set me up with a girl who liked me but I just acted in surprise but I’m starting to wonder if they picked up on something about me, there’s this girl at college who is a lesbian and I feel intrigued by her). Above all though, I can’t help feeling like a fraud in my life because I have a dialogue running through my head that I try hard to keep inside (I sense I need to release but I hide myself away instead). The jealousy bothers me because I watch how uninhibited other people are, they can say unappropriate things with ease and it doesn’t get held against them and they can act out their emotions. Me on the other hand, I feel stiff in my physical body and I am scared what people will think if me if I do risky things or say what’s really on my mind. I am trapped in fear and guilt while others live the life of their desires.
you don't have to take in consideration of what I am stating, but I think you shouldn't care what others say or think. Your not here on this earth to please them , you do NOT have to do what society thinks or wants. In your mind its your opinion that should count , nobody else should be able to make you say or do something that you wouldn't want to do. Taking risks is normal. If you feel you have intrest in the same sex , that's normal. It means your Bi curious. Pursuing this curiosity maybe be a risk , but if she's into you and you are intrigued by it , tell her. Tell her how you feel about the situation and that you just want to see, and if she's up for it , good luck.
Its not easy, what you have is normal and its not rare. My girlfriend felt the same way, i felt the same way, and my friends also felt the same way. Self criticism and low self esteem is pretty common everywhere. But you have to keep in mind that not everyone will make fun of you or even try to criticize you. Its a thought that we have on our minds that really scare us. You have to think that whatever you do should not concern no one. Fear is a paralysis that stops us from moving on. Find positive people that will cheer you. We are no perfect, im not perfect and im not a model. But so what, deal with it people. To be honest, i do have my shy and scare moments were i hide from everyone, but its normal. Sadly that's how society has shaped people with their fake media. Confidence does not come right away, it takes work. But that's something you can only do and work on. There can be friends, family, siblings, workers, etc that can cheer you up and boost up your ego but you must be the architect of your body and life. You must accept the way that you are and not pretend your something else because every time you look at yourself and see your real you then you will feel down and miserable. Even tho this words are coming from a guy i can tell you that i understand the struggles that your going through. Also, there is nothing wrong to try on different sexes. If you like guys or girls then that's good. If they are in a relationship with you then it must mean that they accept you how you are and look. If they don't then don't bother with them. Keep in mind that time is very slow (in my opinion) and you never know what you might gain in the future. I would recommend you to try out things in life. Don't hide too much because there is no advancement. Go out and explore, find what your missing. Speak your mind, people might actually think its pretty cool and funny what you say. :) And remember, there is nothing wrong with being quiet. Silence is golden. But also being a good listener. I hope what i said helped you just a little bit. If you still need to talk or ask question then please feel free to message me. I would love to help! :)