I want to try and explain something to everyone, because there’s something about me that can really bug me and I don’t speak about it openly.
I can’t really put my finger on the problem/s (there may be more than one thing going on here), all I know is that I feel very jealous of other people and I can’t be intimate with someone easily (when I’ve had boy friends I’ve ended up wanting to break it off because of their sexual intent) Also, when I go out somewhere or if I’m hanging out with others I seem to get stuck (withdrawn) on the way a conversation is progressing and I end up shrinking in to the back ground of it. If I do have something to say, often I will have to say it over the other top of others, and I will say it with some anticipation making it hard to say it quickly. Then I am worried when I think that people go quiet after I speak (tho that doesn’t happen all the time) like they think what I’m saying is lame or they know something about me I don’t. I am questioning myself, my life choices (what my future should look like) and I’m wondering about the nature of my sexuality (Could I be bisexual maybe, I think my friends back in high school once tried to set me up with a girl who liked me but I just acted in surprise but I’m starting to wonder if they picked up on something about me, there’s this girl at college who is a lesbian and I feel intrigued by her). Above all though, I can’t help feeling like a fraud in my life because I have a dialogue running through my head that I try hard to keep inside (I sense I need to release but I hide myself away instead). The jealousy bothers me because I watch how uninhibited other people are, they can say unappropriate things with ease and it doesn’t get held against them and they can act out their emotions. Me on the other hand, I feel stiff in my physical body and I am scared what people will think if me if I do risky things or say what’s really on my mind. I am trapped in fear and guilt while others live the life of their desires.