how do i move on? (long)


ok. I am currently in a relationship with D. We have been together for about 7 years (since junior prom in high school). We have 2 boys(3 and 1 years old). We never married, got engaged but he could never commit to a date. Now im not sure i want to get married anymore. Sometimes we are great, but sometimes we’re not. We break up at least once a year every year to the point of being single and talking to other people, but somehow we always seem to come back together. and we’ve both been at fault. Probably and the main reason we keep coming back is the kids. If we didnt have kids, I know I wouldnt be here today. With that being said we did have a few months every year that we enjoyed together.

Everything was fine last year until December when my ex, V, messaged me on fb out of the blue. V and i dated at least 8years ago before me and D dated. He cheated so i broke up with him and he’s hated me ever since. In V’s message he apologized and said he needed to get closure and that he was tired of carrying around such hatred for me and he hadnt cheated back then it was a rumor. I was pretty shocked because it was so random and because he still had ill feelings toward me and i never even thought about him. I talked to D about the message and asked how i should handle it, to which he encouraged me to reach out to V and offer my friendship. So I did. We started talking all the time about everything, remising, sexting and everyday things. I couldnt help but redevelop feelings for V. And soon I found myself totally in love with both men but more so with V than D. Even though i love D and we have kids and V told me he was married. I even offered V if he left his wife i could take my kids and go to be with him. D had to go out of town and i talked to V constantly and planned to meet up, but the plans fell through. He admitted he had feelings for me as well but didnt want to “break his vows” (which i dont get if you are willing to cheat). We never had a chance to meet up though. i guess because of my actions, D installed a spy app on my phone and eventually found out everything. We broke up for a few days and he kicked me out. But having no job, no place to live and 2 kids when D wanted to try to make things work I jumped on the opportunity. We are together now and i do still love D but i still love V as well. V and I had been messaging through a different app D couldnt monitor and I deleted everything. Still sexting even. But I pulled back because i felt D was going to catch me plus it was the responsible thing to do.
I hadnt talked to V in a week. I had been trying very hard to not message him. It took some serious willpower. I thought and still think about him everyday, multiple times a day, more than I do about D. Even when D and i are intimate. I feel guilty about it but i just want to talk to V so badly. when i finally messaged him the was so vague and i could tell things were different. He isnt responding much anymore and its honestly heart breaking and i almost feel like im going through a break up. I dont know what to do. I still love V and D for that matter but I feel like maybe i loved V more? is that even possible? to fall in love with someone you hvent seen in 8 yrs? i dont know. honestly any advice would be helpful at this point. how do i move on? What do I do? I know im totally settling for D, but dont have the means to leave just yet. I honestly think if money werent an option, i’d be single at this point. i just dont know what to do anymore. A single mother of 2 isnt practical, but im only 24 years old, i dont want to feel like im settling for the rest of my life. any advice?

Category: asked March 19, 2014

2 Answers

Leslie,I think you need to take some time to focus on yourself and figure out who you are without either D or V in the picture. I'm not telling you who to pick because this isn't a football draft, but in my opinion, you don't need either of them, you need yourself. If you step back from yourself and look in on this whole situation, would you say that you're handing this in the most mature way possible? Have you thought about everything that can get affected if you make a certain decision? As a mother, what do you think is best for your kids? or are you only thinking about yourself (which isn't necessarily a bad thing)?My advice would be to focus on one thing at at time. Start with yourself as an individual. Reflect on who you are, your wants and needs, your dreams and goals in life. Once you have those in line, next think about your kids because you're responsible for their lives until they can take care of themselves.I know I said I wouldn't tell you who to pick, but, here's some food for thought: If you feel that you shouldn't get married to D because you guys have been off and on, then don't get married. Don't settle on something because it's convenient. So many young couples get divorced because they married out of convenience instead of (here comes the cheesy part) love and commitment. Don't think too hard on why V is acting the way he's acting. He's married. He's made a commitment. Respect that. He's got his own problems and you've got yours.Anyway, I hope my words have helped some how. I wish you the best of luck with your endeavors!
Both of them are terrible for you. V because he's married, obviously, and D because you don't actually want to be married to him and are only staying with him because of your children.That is not something you should do, and in the long run it will just end up being worse.My advice is to make a clean break of it if you can and be rid of both of them.