How do I live?

Logistics are part of your problem- not being able to afford the treatment you need. The good news is that financial situations can change. Does your fiancee work? Is there anyone else you can go to for help? You have nothing to lose. Why don't you have insurance? Logistics is something you can work on slowly, in short bursts, when the emotional pain isn't crushing or when you feel like you need to at least try for a little while despite it. It's not quite as anxiety inducing as human interaction, and you can possibly delegate the human interaction bits to your family. It's not hopeless if there are still things you can do and people who care about you- although I acknowledge that it definitely feels hopeless.

You had a breakthrough once with the depression. If you could figure out a way to get back on treatment, but with a different program or therapist or medication, who knows? There are so many things you haven't tried yet, and you've had this for your whole life but you've only been trying to treat it for one. Enlist your fiancee's help in research, maybe. There are infinite ways that depression can mess with your thoughts, but because of that there are infinite ways to balance your thoughts.

The problem, of course, is finding the way that works while on a ridiculously tight budget. Good job so far, getting on here, and reaching out. You're definitely thinking about this the right way. Keep it up. We're all rooting for you.

This breaks my heart, I don't know what to say to make you want to live apart from the fact you have a fiancée and it sounds like she loves you very much.

try answering this question what would happen if you would have died? the depression you are suffering from is obviously due to something that has happened to you in the past. either you are aware of it or not i am not sure. Having a job will distract your mind from the situation you may have but the will to do a job always comes form within. Every culture is different. In my culture a man doesn't really move in with the in laws. It becomes the question of his dignity. It is different for other people. Is killing yourself the answer to your problems? Will it make your fiancée happy if you were dead? Would you be happy to leave your fiancée? Think twice before you take a drastic step

I feel sorry for you. I really do but I think you need to understand the circumstances that your fiancée might face if you were to give up on her by dying. She obviously loves you very much and it would not be fair on your part to do something stupid as it would hurt her more than it does you. I was depressed for a while too in my life and almost tried to commit suicide but I didn't because I knew my father couldn't bear it. I slowly started talking with other people and realized that no one is problem free. Everyone has their own share of problems. It's just that some people exaggerate those problems and go into depression... I was one of them and so are you. The only way to get out of it is talking to others about your problems and finding someone you can confide in.

well first of all, move away from the inlaws, even if it means being homeless. The need to support oneself is a strong motivator, and once you realize you need to work to have a roof over your head and food in your stomach, depression will be the last thing you will be thinking about. even though the thoughts creep in and out daily, they will be suppressed by the survival instincts that have kicked in that are pushing you toward self sufficiency, and being a man who provides for and protects his family.