I’m only 19. And i’ve fought my way here between so many suicide attempts. But that’s ok. That’s not the point. My head is full, everytime. Every damn minute of the day there’s something bad happening. Something i’ve done. I’ve broken so many hearts. I have their faces inside me, i can’t get this out. I can’t let this go. I guess most of these people don’t even remember who I am anymore. Past friends, past boyfriends… I can’t forget about them. I still feel. It’s like i’m still in love with everyone. I wouldn’t wanna be with them, like i did when i broke up with them. But i still care about them. And it hurts cause i know they’re all mad at me. My head is just full, you know? I sleep the more I can so I’ll turn this off. But then I dream about it. Is there anyway at all I can turn off my brain? I can’t take this anymore.
You're in a really bad place right now. My sister used to sound so much like this. She ended up going to a treatment center to help her and she is so much better now. You either need to get professional help or just keep yourself busy. Find something to do you can find peace with. Peace is what you need. Or even just find a place where you can calm down. And if your mind goes somewhere else bring something for you to do in your place. It could be under a tree in your backyard or like, even your closet. I hope you feel better.
I think you should maybe try focusing I the here and now. Anyone can put themself into a depression by negative thoughts. Try concentrating on what you're doing right now, what your body is touching, the feeling of your lungs inhaling and exhaling. Read a book, play video games, take a bath. Try to forgive yourself. Without forgiveness you'll always be miserable...
Getting help is important. Between now and when you get that help, you might try to write a letter of apology to the people you feel you have harmed. You don't even need to send the letters, but you might. Just giving voice to the pain of these people might help alleviate your guilt and allow you some measure of peace.