this is a normal reaction to childhood abuse. you're probably suffering from PTSD. I think the best thing you can do now is seek professional help. that will help you untangle the emotions you have carried all these years. keep in mind, it took 18 years to get you mentally ill, recovery will also take time. hopefully, it won't take 18 years, but don't expect things to get miraculously better after a few therapy sessions or some pills. recovery takes practice and patience. good luck c: c: