How do I force myself to fall out of love with my bestfriend?

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One of my closest friends, also female, started looking different to me in my eyes about 2 years ago. I would notice that I would go out of my way to talk to her, I could feel myself blush when we spoke, I rooted for her in everything, her smile would give me butterflies, and she became the most attractive person I had ever known. She is incredibly smart, beautiful, really hilarious and she would brighten up my day everyday. As a matter of fact, when last yar she went to a different school, I felt injured on the inside, and actually worsened my depression. Although it sounds cliche, I quite literally couldn’t eat, sleep, or breathe without thinking about her. She was my everything. I would scare myself with how obsessed I got over her. I would text her every. Single. Day. I called myself being a good friend, but I can tell she was definitely getting tired of it. She is too nice of a person to ever tell anyone that she is tired of them, however, and I feel like a parasite. We are both in college now, and I picked my college based off of proximity to hers. I had no other reason. I feel so worthless all the time, because she is the only person on the earth that has ever cared for me long-term; once I am no longer useful to most people they just drop me. But she hasn’t. She still believes in me, as pitiful of a person I’ve become through this depression and obsession. She cares for me, and I am in love with her. but is is killing me.
A HUGE issue with this is that I am a Christian, as is she, so no matter how much I want to be with her and want to love her in that way I would be living that way KNOWING I was in sin. She is the only person I’ve felt for like this; I have had crushes in the past but I think I am actually in love with her. I would do anything for her. I honestly, in all of my heart, would die for her. I can’t stand to see her hurt, however, and I think me asking her to be in a relationship with me, an emotional train-wreck of a person, would really hurt her. I want to fall out of love.
I don’t want to love her anymore because I am dying inside. I am basing all of my life decisions around this one person who is supposed to be a close friend, not something intimate. I just want my friendship back. We’ve known each other almost 5 years, and I’ve loved her for two. But I don’t want to be this way. I want our pure friendship back.

Category: Tags: asked July 31, 2015

6 Answers

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Hey, I'm a Christian and I was recently in a similar situation, and I want to let you know that you're not alone. I agree with you about homosexuality being a sin, though I sometimes have doubts, that's what I have always understood and that God says. It's one of the reasons I was so angry at Him for a while, though not the main one, which had more to do with poor health, mental and otherwise, abuse, trauma, etc.
I'd say that you have a choice to make. You can pursue this relationship with your friend, which she doesn't seem to want, you believe is sinful - as I do, and you have seen comes from desires that are tainted with obsession, which any good counselor will tell you is unhealthy and likely to end badly, whether they are Christian or not.
As a Christian, and as a woman with Depression, I think you owe it to yourself to consider this decision cautiously. In addition to losing your friend, you could lose your faith, you could lose more of your independence, and you may find yourself falling deeper into depression if you decide to pursue things with someone and they don't go well.
The way I see it, you need to be able to stand on your own two feet - not going it all alone - but I think you need to break the hold your feelings have on you. Instead of them swaying you, I'd like to see you swaying them. You're part-way there, holding onto your convictions, but, I'm not sure if that's because of your own moral code / spiritual perseverance, or because you believe she doesn't return your feelings, and feel unworthy of being in a relationship with her. Hopefully, and probably, I think, it's a bit of both.
I think you need to give yourself a little more power, and a lot more strength. Look up "mental toughness" and "emotional resilience", and see if you find some things you may be in need of, in your life. Reach out to those around you who will help steer you down the right path for support. Seek counseling, therapy, etc. if you haven't / aren't already for your Depression, and anything else you need help with.
Try to put a little distance between you and your friend. Just for a while, just while you gain some strength and support, so that when you decide what you want to do, you're making a decision from a place of strength, not a place of confusion, distress, or where you feel like you have to compromise who you are and what you believe in.
Remember, above all else, that whatever choices you make may have consequences, and that it's your life - and you are the one who has to deal with the consequences of your actions, whether they be good or bad. If you do something that causes you to lose a friendship, then you suffer. You may not be the only one who suffers, but no one giving you advice will suffer the consequences the way that you will.
I'm not trying to paint it all negative, but I want to impress up on you, and anyone else in this situation that if you aren't careful with your friendships, especially when it comes to sex and romance, you can ruin them, or, at least, do a lot of damage. You can hurt people you care about, and you can really hurt yourself.
Also, feelings change. You can be totally, completely in love with someone, and with time, distance (emotional most of all, but physical tends to help), other people to hang out with, a healthy mindset/attitude, a complete willingness to submit to God's will for healing and restoration, perseverance, and, of course, if it's God's will, then your friendship can be restored. I believe it because He's doing it for me. (And I had the complication of semi-reciprocal attraction and feelings. Note, I did say "semi". I don't know about a "healthy" lesbian relationship, but anything with someone where they really aren't all-in tends to be painful and damaging. It's all possible to heal from, but I, for one, get tired of the scars - and hurting others. It's one thing when it's just me. Dragging someone else along for the ride... *cringe* Always harder to get over, even if I didn't really drag them, they were eager and willing, but I know I hurt them. It's especially hard to forgive myself when I know I've helped Satan pull someone away from God. That...makes me feel really low.)
Anyway, you can write, even if you'd like to tell me a thing or two. Hopefully, something I said was helpful. I really tried. And, whatever you choose, I hope you hold onto God, and I hope you find some peace and healing. Depression is hard. Relationships are harder. :P lol. Maybe. They're definitely harder with Depression, don'cha think?!! XD I've gotta go now, but I bookmarked the page, and I'll check back, so if you, or anyone else, want to talk to me about this or something similar, comment, send a message, whatever. (I'm new here, so I don't know all the options yet. lol.)
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I know it's terrifying to be or feel something when you believe with all your heart that it's utterly wrong and disgusting. And I'm so sorry to have to tell you this, bubble, but the thing is, you can't force yourself to not be LGBT. Speaking biologically, it's just not possible. This is just what happened. I know you would not have chosen to be this way; that you still feel this way despite not wanting to should alone prove that this is just your sexuality, the way God Himself intended.

I want you to remember that no matter what, God loves you. Jesus loves you. And no matter what you do, God is still going to love you no matter what you do. And God made you this way, okay? God made you LGBT, and that's the way the Lord wants you to be happy. Not by trying to force yourself to become something you aren't. He wants you to be happy the way He made you. You can be happy and be gay, because that's what God wants for you.

Please, please look at these links. I know you're doubting yourself and that you're scared and ashamed, but these good Christian websites and links can help you with your sexuality and still be at peace your beliefs.
https://www.gaychristian.net/faq.php
http://christianandqueer.tumblr.com/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ezQjNJUSraY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_8ZgSHK6tdA

Stay strong, okay? Remember, God loves you. You wouldn't be this way if it wasn't what God wanted for you.
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As an LGBT atheist, I can tell you that you won't find solace in religion because most religions are anti-LGBT and all Christendom is anti-LGBT, with the meager exception of some misguided LGBT churches who are trying desperately to hold on to their faith when they are desperately trying to believe in a fairy tale that orders their death.

You are feeling so conflicted because your reality is conflicting with your beliefs. That is called "cognitive dissonance". Christianity very simply is not LGBT-friendly. Their "holy" book has always ordered the death of LGBT people, and condemns our existence. Old and New Testament alike.

As an LGBT atheist, I can tell you from direct experience that the sooner you leave that religion of self-hatred behind, the sooner you will find acceptance of yourself and the happier you will be, because one throwaway statement of "Love thy neighbor" doesn't erase the fact that the same book goes on to reiterate the same rules of condemning LGBT people to death.
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Im an agnostic veering towards atheism but i respect other peoples right to practice religion. Because although I do not believe in God, I can not say for certain it that I am right and you are wrong. The world is vast and holds many mysteries and I don't claim to have all of the answers.But I think any religion which makes you believe loving another adult just because of their gender is sinful, is a wrong and a harmful belief.Religious institutes have had to say they were wrong other times in the past for example about the earth being flat, and this is just another issue they were wrong about. No matter what I believe, we all know that it was humans that wrote the bible, and humans make mistakes, You shouldn't have to deny your true self, we are all different and we should embrace our differences. I think you really should challenge any belief which is denying you the ability to live the life you were born to live. You were born with your sexuality and no one should ever tell you that you were born wrong. I don't know if your friend feels the same way and unrequited love is heart breaking but at least accepting yourself fully would allow you to find love again if she doesn't. I love this clip Bashing Bible bashers: http://youtu.be/DSXJzybEeJM
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Thank you all so much for all of the support <3 As I was writing that question I was crying and felt so defeated, so I apologize if my ideas and thoughts are all jumbled and disjointed; I was an emotional wreck. To address something I saw in the comments: my religion, Christianity, is NOT a hateful religion (please hear me out). The religion itself does not hate anyone; some of the misinformed people who "follow" it do, and spread hate in the name of it. For example: God does NOT hate gay people. He doesn't even hate the act of being gay (he does hate the act of lusting however, which I am more concerned about personally). Attraction isn't wrong. People like to bring up the whole "well God Himself killed an entire city of gay people" argument, when that isn't even true. He killed a city of criminals, murderers thieves, rapists - you name it - and killed them. The only "gay" thing about them was that some of them were involved in gang-raping others of the same sex in order to prove superiority. Awful stuff (but for some reason people extract that one thing and attempt to use it as proof that God hates gay people. Like, what?). All in all, God doesn't hate homosexual people, and neither do I. What you see Christians say in the media and the news is total crap - not all of us are close-minded tight-asses. The religion doesn't hate LGBT. I have no problem with anyone being agnostic or atheist or any other religion, and really do appreciate all of the help.Back to the original issue, I am scared because not only am I entering new territory (questioning my sexuality), I am gaining feelings for my closest friend in the world. If I jeopardize that, then I have nothing left, so I am really scared.
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I really think praying to fall out of love could be the answer. I am also a Christian and I want you to know that a good church would never shun you for this so don't feel bad for it. It is a burden no doubt, just like life trials that God allows only yours is an emotional trial. Don't give up on church though, remember that the life we live on this earth will be a lot shorter than the life we will live in eternity. Stay safe


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