how do I find peace within myself? I am suicidal.

OK so im 17, at sixth form and I just cant cope anymore. For years now i have felt depressed, lonely and sometimes suicidal, without trying to be too depressing, i cant remember the last time i was truly happy. I have always been depressed for as long i can remember but i have been able to cope with it. now i’m at sixth form, the pressure is increasing, my feelings are getting more intense, i am becoming more anxious and overwhelmed. i think daily about suicide, i feel it is the only way out, my future is hopeless. I am failing at school, last year i winged my gcse’s and got b’s. If i really tried, i could of got straight A*s but i couldn’t concentrate and still cant now. I feel like my whole life is just a self destruct mission. I will fail sixth form this year, I have already been threatened to be kicked off my courses. I am clever, if i was in the right mind, i could easily be an over achiever, but at the moment i am falling behind a lot and however much i tell myself how important it is to do my work and study i just cant bring myself to do it. its not laziness, i just cant physically do it.

For the past few years i have struggled with the fact that i am bisexual, i have no true sense of who i am and neither does anybody else. I often change my look and have never felt comfortable with who i am. i feel like everyone is constantly judging me on everything i do, i want to just break down and i am so close to doing so, i am just so embarrassed about how i feel. don’t want anyone to know how i feel, i just want to feel like everybody else does.i HATE myself.
I broke down last night and I think I hit an all time low. I had had an awful day at school and then I got home, took a bath and then I got the razor out. I was crying and sobbing, I was so angry at the world and everyone around me. I was absolutely furious and I had completely given up with even existing. I think in this moment I kind of lost myself, like the thoughts inside my head had completely taken over my own mind. I slashed my thighs over and over again with the razor blade, then my hips and then my stomach. I ripped my whole body to shreds with the blade and never in my whole life did I feel so alive. When I think of what I did last night, it makes me feel completely and utterly ashamed but at the time it felt so right and was the only way to escape from my intense feelings.

I can feel happy, when I smoke cannabis. I think that if I could afford to be high 24/7 and had unlimited weed then I would never self harm/be depressed or anything again. I am still very able to function when I’m high, if not a lot more so than when I am sober. I have tons of motivation and I am very creative. I am a heavy pot smoker ( I smoke about 4-5 times daily) but I must stress that weed has not caused bad feelings, I started smoking cannabis to make the feelings go away! When I’m high, I am happy. I can laugh, smile, joke about and even when I remember/think about things that usually trigger my bad thoughts i am able to shake it off. Smoking pot has helped me in so many ways, I think that if I never smoked it, I probably wouldn’t be here right now, I would have attempted suicide already. It’s only when I am stone cold sober that I feel depressed. Marijuana appears to have cured my bad thoughts(only when I’m high). The only problem is that I worry myself when I am sober, I go into a very very very depressed state (more so than usual)this is always when self harm. When I get into this state of mind that nothing matters, I am worthless, I don’t want to live anymore, I need to cut myself, I must never eat again, I actually scare myself and it scares me just what I am capable of. I would never harm anyone else though, just myself.
My Mum has noticed that I have started to lose weight recently. I am 5ft 5in and used to weigh 9st 5lb last year, now i weight 8st 0lb. I lost this in nearly 3 months, I am still losing weight now so that I can be skinny. I try and starve throughout the day but /i find that once /i do eat that I then can’t stop and then purge. this happens everyday yet I will never be skinny enough.
I cry all of the time at school, all dayand hide everything from everyone, most people think i’m fine. The only person who knows remotely how i feel is my best friend, she doesn’t know everything, just some of it. My parents think i am doing fine, just a bit lazy but that couldn’t be any further from the truth.,although I argue with them daily, /i am very difficult to live with that they don’t even make conversation with me anymore because it always results in an argument of some sort.. I honestly just want everything to end, i just cant cope with life anymore. my feelings are just a constant cycle of self loathing and hopelessness. I feel that there is no escape and the ‘demons inside my head’ are taking over me. My Dad said to me today that he ‘doesnt even recognise me anymore’ this makes me really sad. what can i do? i don’t want to be here anymore.

link

jess

8 Answers

I have been suicidal and can relate to what you're feeling. I first want to remind you that you are not alone. I may be a complete stranger, but I care about you and want you to heal and get to a better state.
There is a common stigma of suicide being a selfish act, and it is often condemned as such. Some people neglect to consider the feelings behind suicide. I'm sorry that you have to experience pain like this. But there is help out there. There are ways to fall in love with breathing again. While I am glad that you have some kind of solace through marijuana use, I really think you should talk to your parents about seeking outside help. There are professionals and medications that honestly help.
I used to be in your position, but after going on medication, I've been stable and able to live contently. Please feel free to message me for help.

link

sillynilly

I know what you mean. Im young or whatever but I was sudical myself. I have to learn that I was place on earth for a reason or that there will be other effect by my actions. Yea I still don't believe them but I take their word for it and just pretend that I believe them. My family says that I shouldn't be thinking these thoughts and that I should wanna live and have a family and a great successful life. But I just don't see that for me at least. But you seem like such a nice person and that you can't handle the pressure. I also know how that feels. I guess you can say I've been through a lot but I guess you're right. I don't wanna tell my sob story but what Im trying to say is that I just couldn't handle the pressure either. I had to put other people's thoughts first then mine. SO yea just remember its awesome to live sometimes. You get those moments where you're ontop of the world and those moments where yur just super depressed and you gotta learn how to live through those moments ok?

link

Amya Green

I have been where you have been, I felt like that I was at the thrown into the deep end of the pool and I had to sink or swim and I was sinking. I thought of many ways of doing, I wanted to throw myself down the stairs just to get it over with. You are an amazing person, you are worthy, you are not seeing your worth. Look inside yourself and find the reason why you feel like you are not worthy. Is it because of your grades? because B's are fine, you said it yourself if you tried you could get straight A's. I wish I had that. I study for hours and can barely manage a B. Is it because you are bisexual? because there is nothing to be ashamed of. Screw what people say, people say anything whether you are doing something "good " or "bad". People are always going to talk. Do not let them get to you. I sincerely believe you are an amazing person. The fact that you want to rid yourself breaks my heart because I was once there. I will keep you in my prayers, and I hope you find the healing you need to find out how worthy you really are.

link

LadyRoseK

A lot of people seem to believe that there's no point to their lives unless they can achieve some kind of high and mighty goal or become a certain kind of idealized person of their liking. While it's great to have a goal, we really need to understand and accept the reality of life being very unpredictable and full of changes (and so are people), it's kind of expected that though it is possible for you to move towards your goals, that doesn't guarantee that you'll realize all of them. Or, you might end up modifying them as you move through your life. So it is actually practical to be open to change and be flexible with your viewpoints on things. Let's bring up your issues with your body image for instance. As expected out of people, you will probably have an idea of what beauty is and would want yourself to fit into that image. That's not a problem by itself. However, when this idea of beauty and worth becomes so fixed to the point that the present you not satisfying that image is bringing you down and making you feel insecure, then there's clearly a problem at hand. Why does it even matter if you fit into that image or not? Isn't it idealized to begin with? How realistic is that and what are the chances of actual human beings completely fulfilling all of those qualities? Not very high, right? Well, you're also a human being, and thus, it isn't expected that you will meet those ideals--perhaps a lot of hard work and a higher investment in your appearance will get you closer and closer to your goal, but please do realize and keep in mind the difference between reality and idealization and that of course, results aren't seen immediately. As for your struggles with your sexuality, I suspect that it will make things easier for you if you understand that in the big picture, others' opinions of you pale in comparison to yours. People who don't know you and of course, aren't you can only decide what they think of you based on superficial, outside information. They don't really know you as much as you do and have little data to make decisions with. So at most, strangers' opinions of you will only be a skewed representation of you based on what they see. It's kind of like trying to make out something when you're far away from it--perhaps you see its shape and outline, but you may never know what it's made out of, the details, and maybe you might not even know what it is. Sure, others might know you as a bisexual person. But that's all they'll have. They won't know everything behind that part of you unless you open up to them. So actually, YOU're the one in charge of deciding who you are, not others, because you know much more about yourself than anyone else could. After all, you've been you for the entirety of your life, no one else. :) Now, about your desire for suicide: Suicide can wait. Want to kill yourself? Try to bring your grades up the highest as possible at your honest abilities. ("Perfection" doesn't really matter; you're just pushing yourself to actually put forth some effort. Maybe it'll be a lot. Maybe it'll be a little. Either way, it'll be better than doing NOTHING.) Suicide can come afterwards. Want to see if you can improve your self esteem? Suicide can come afterwards. Want to graduate? Suicide can come afterwards. Want to get yourself a job and try all sorts of things with your life? Suicide can come afterwards. You see, death ends everything. But it can wait. You can decide to trudge a bit longer and try to look at life through a different pair of lenses, so to speak, or even choose another path or possibility with it. Even if it's just to see how it's like. You can try many things, and can make mistakes and then learn from them. You can continue to live and see what kinds of things come up or how much you change and grow as a person as time passes. Living your life cannot wait--after all, you're already moving forward. So, why not make the most of it? Make this one-of-a-kind experience your own and enjoy its ups and downs? No matter what horrible things happen in life, if you take a step back and look at things, you'll be surprised to see that it's not over yet. Have a great day. --Ravvi

link

Ravvi

206

No matter how useless life makes you feel, just know that are other people that feel or have felt exactly like you do. You are never alone. Don't let depression make you believe that you don't belong, and that you don't matter; don't let your brain convince you that you can't do great things, because you can. You just have to push yourself and believe in yourself. You can do anything you set your mind to. If you are truly worried about your well being and safety, please seek help from a professional. Your mind may make you believe that no one would miss you or care if you were gone, but people do care, even strangers. You can't tell me that no one cares if people are here to support you! :)
Stay strong. xoxo
You can do it!

link

DeviledLegs

103

I am concerned you may regret your scars as you get older; they are for life. Eating healthily and avoiding alcohol altogether may help with the feelings of judgement and lethargy. At the very least you could try taking vitamins in the morning and some protein. Daily exercise, like running/cycling/swimming, has the dual payoff of making you look great (glowing complexion) and gives you more energy and an endorphin boost... although exercise can be harmful if taken to extremes. Don't stress about how you look (easier said than done), just play and you can worry about it later. Stop striving for perfection; your life is more important than that, and you can do anything you want with it! You sound a lot like this amazing girl i used to know. I hope you soon find somewhere you can blossom without shame.

link

Quiet Island

555

I would venture that although you argue with your parents, it is because they have taken notice to your change in behavior and do not approve. They do not approve because they do not fully understand your underlying mental state. They just see the end product: lowered grades and depressed mood. The phrase "I don't recognize you any more" is your father's way of trying to coax you into talking to him about how you are truly feeling. He wants to recognize you again. If you speak openly, and candidly with your parents about how you have been feeling, my guess is that they will reciprocate. Be prepared for some resistance, but just know that no matter what, your parents love you. If you are feeling immediately in need of help, visit http://www.mind.org.uk.

link

EasyListening

I'm sorry to hear how bad you are feeling. Life is never what you expect. Have you seen a counsellor? This sounds really complex and a number of issues are going on. To come from a different angle.. Your mind and body need a healthy diet to perform and not malfunction. You could have low iron.. Have you had your blood tested for various health issues. It's amazing how the mind reacts when it has no nutrition to work with.

link

Helping