OK so im 17, at sixth form and I just cant cope anymore. For years now i have felt depressed, lonely and sometimes suicidal, without trying to be too depressing, i cant remember the last time i was truly happy. I have always been depressed for as long i can remember but i have been able to cope with it. now i’m at sixth form, the pressure is increasing, my feelings are getting more intense, i am becoming more anxious and overwhelmed. i think daily about suicide, i feel it is the only way out, my future is hopeless. I am failing at school, last year i winged my gcse’s and got b’s. If i really tried, i could of got straight A*s but i couldn’t concentrate and still cant now. I feel like my whole life is just a self destruct mission. I will fail sixth form this year, I have already been threatened to be kicked off my courses. I am clever, if i was in the right mind, i could easily be an over achiever, but at the moment i am falling behind a lot and however much i tell myself how important it is to do my work and study i just cant bring myself to do it. its not laziness, i just cant physically do it.
For the past few years i have struggled with the fact that i am bisexual, i have no true sense of who i am and neither does anybody else. I often change my look and have never felt comfortable with who i am. i feel like everyone is constantly judging me on everything i do, i want to just break down and i am so close to doing so, i am just so embarrassed about how i feel. don’t want anyone to know how i feel, i just want to feel like everybody else does.i HATE myself.
I broke down last night and I think I hit an all time low. I had had an awful day at school and then I got home, took a bath and then I got the razor out. I was crying and sobbing, I was so angry at the world and everyone around me. I was absolutely furious and I had completely given up with even existing. I think in this moment I kind of lost myself, like the thoughts inside my head had completely taken over my own mind. I slashed my thighs over and over again with the razor blade, then my hips and then my stomach. I ripped my whole body to shreds with the blade and never in my whole life did I feel so alive. When I think of what I did last night, it makes me feel completely and utterly ashamed but at the time it felt so right and was the only way to escape from my intense feelings.
I can feel happy, when I smoke cannabis. I think that if I could afford to be high 24/7 and had unlimited weed then I would never self harm/be depressed or anything again. I am still very able to function when I’m high, if not a lot more so than when I am sober. I have tons of motivation and I am very creative. I am a heavy pot smoker ( I smoke about 4-5 times daily) but I must stress that weed has not caused bad feelings, I started smoking cannabis to make the feelings go away! When I’m high, I am happy. I can laugh, smile, joke about and even when I remember/think about things that usually trigger my bad thoughts i am able to shake it off. Smoking pot has helped me in so many ways, I think that if I never smoked it, I probably wouldn’t be here right now, I would have attempted suicide already. It’s only when I am stone cold sober that I feel depressed. Marijuana appears to have cured my bad thoughts(only when I’m high). The only problem is that I worry myself when I am sober, I go into a very very very depressed state (more so than usual)this is always when self harm. When I get into this state of mind that nothing matters, I am worthless, I don’t want to live anymore, I need to cut myself, I must never eat again, I actually scare myself and it scares me just what I am capable of. I would never harm anyone else though, just myself.
My Mum has noticed that I have started to lose weight recently. I am 5ft 5in and used to weigh 9st 5lb last year, now i weight 8st 0lb. I lost this in nearly 3 months, I am still losing weight now so that I can be skinny. I try and starve throughout the day but /i find that once /i do eat that I then can’t stop and then purge. this happens everyday yet I will never be skinny enough.
I cry all of the time at school, all dayand hide everything from everyone, most people think i’m fine. The only person who knows remotely how i feel is my best friend, she doesn’t know everything, just some of it. My parents think i am doing fine, just a bit lazy but that couldn’t be any further from the truth.,although I argue with them daily, /i am very difficult to live with that they don’t even make conversation with me anymore because it always results in an argument of some sort.. I honestly just want everything to end, i just cant cope with life anymore. my feelings are just a constant cycle of self loathing and hopelessness. I feel that there is no escape and the ‘demons inside my head’ are taking over me. My Dad said to me today that he ‘doesnt even recognise me anymore’ this makes me really sad. what can i do? i don’t want to be here anymore.