How do I face school again?

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Two years ago, I got into a relationship with someone who at the time, I didn’t realize how controlling she was, because she started changing everything I wanted to do. I wasn’t allowed to like things I used to be into, I just had to be into her interests. I had to do things her way. When I started college, this only got worse. She made me change everything about myself. The one thing that I thought was good, was that we were both at least into activism. We joined a national organization called GetEQUAL, and did dozens of campaigns with them. One campaign that we started on was against Chick-Fil-A, and it so happened that there was one on my college campus. WE started doing protests against it, and we had legitimate reasoning. My college calls itself a “flagship” school, which just means that they try to keep it diverse. This includes not profiling against gay students in anyway. Since they were contributing directly to the financial welfare of CFA as an organization, and CFA was donating money to hate groups, they shouldn’t have been allowed to stay on campus. In addition to this, my school receives federal funding, and it is illegal for that money to be used to discriminate.

We thought this was a good plan, to approach it from this angle. We of course went after student body opinion, and had 43% of the student body on our side, which was the majority. But this didn’t matter to the board in charge of the restaurant and the funding. They saw their money going down the toilet and decided to place that in front of people. In addition to this opposition, there was student resistance to from a conservative campus club. They had no evidence backing any of their claims, so instead attacked us personally. It started out as just cyber-bullying, which is relatively easy to deal with, because none of them were particularly bright about how they went about it, and we could block them. But it started to escalate.

We went from peaceful protests to having to watch our backs, and avoid being yelled at. Then, the board announced that we lost the fight, and that they would not remove CFA from campus. This is when shit really hit the fan. During the meeting that they announced this, our opposition quoted me saying something that they obviously thought was incriminating and made me the poster child of the campaign. I was never particularly involved in the public campaigning, I just do research, so this was a big deal. I started receiving death threats. A hand written death threat was slipped into the mesh side pocket of my back pack. They found my tumblr, and sent me anons with threats. I was stalked to class on multiple occasions. One person even had the audacity to stand up in one of my classes and call me a faggot in front of my teacher.

I started to get really scared. My girlfriend didn’t help, she wasn’t receiving any backlash. I stopped eating. I stopped sleeping. Finally, the leader of the Queer Resource Center on my campus noticed that I was having a hard time and convened the Disciplinary Committee with the intention of them pursuing a case against my attackers. It didn’t go as planned. The student who was leading the attack against me was a track star, leader in a fraternity, involved in student government, and all around more important to them than me. They forced me to drop two classes and see a therapist on campus. I lost my scholarship, and I was in danger of losing my loans. I had to register for summer classes just so I could maybe qualify for my scholarship again this semester.

I saw the therapist 6 times. That was enough for him to give me a medical leave note, diagnose me with PTSD, and for me to become uncomfortable with the fact that he had a clear agenda to keep me quiet. He also was just not a good therapist in general, he made no effort to work with me on my issues, and never gave any indication that I was going to receive treatment. The last two sessions were composed solely of me sitting in his office, staring at the floor.

The summer started, and my partner left for a conference of sorts for thespians. She wanted to be on Broadway and this was a workshop that was supposed to help make that happen. She was gone for two weeks, and then on the last night, called me, dumped me over the phone from another state, and got her stuff out of my apartment the next week. We lived together and she cleaned me out. she took a lot of my clothes, my movies, my books, even some of my family pictures. I had nothing left. I have never hit rock bottom so hard, and this is coming from an ex-cocaine addict. Withdrawals and rehab was easier than this. My parents, luckily, are wonderful people, that picked me up, and dusted me off, and bought me replacements for all my old things. I have a new girlfriend now, who is amazing, and incredibly supportive, and sees things in me that I can’t imagine exist.

I would be fine, if it weren’t for school. I lost my scholarship, and had to reapply for it, and my loans. I owed money for the summer, and I am dirt poor. I can’t afford school without my financial aid. I thought I was going to have to drop out for a while and get a full time job, and see if I could make it out in the real world. But this is where I come to the real problem. I only had a plan for if I didn’t get my aid back. I got an email that says I got it all back, and instead of being happy, I am panicking. I feel like I’m screwed either way. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, but I’m supposed to be taking classes that will get me a degree in something supposedly useful. But if I drop out school, I have no real world skills. I can graph a polynomial function but I have no clue how to do taxes. I can write a well formed, and complicated thesis, but I have no clue how to buy a car. So I feel like either way I am screwed.

On top of all of that, as if that weren’t enough, I have no control over my emotions, and continually unintentionally launch myself into full blown panic attacks that always result in crying and feeling like I can’t breathe. I also have been considering the idea of top-surgery for months, but I have no idea in that department either. Basically, I just want to crawl under a rock and never come back out.

I have to go back to school, because I need to take advantage of the financial aid that won’t be there later in life. But I don’t know how to do it. I don’t know how to go back onto a campus with people that want to do me harm, and how I focus in class with that hanging over my head.

Category: Tags: asked August 12, 2013

2 Answers

0
accepted
if you don't feel safe, maybe that is not the place for you. But what I would say is continue doing what YOU love. You will find your people, and the ones who do not treat you fairly are not worth your time. Focus on bettering yourself and your education. I think it's great that you stood up for what you believe in, and never remember to never let anyone tell you what to think. That's the problem currently. We are told what to think, not how to think. But just always be true to you, and the right people will come your way.
I'm going to be a senior in High school, and decided to switch schools because I wasn't happy with the environment at my school. I too an dreading school, and have been for a while. Sometimes the right choice isn't easy, but if you keep hope alive, it will keep you alive. Never give up.
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wtf ....next time just cut to the chase,...this was so wordy i lost interest when i first started reading it last week !