Alright so let me begin by explaining one little thing for everyone:
The school I’m in has all the grades together, 1-10th grade. It’s a big school in a small city and I’ve been in this school for 9 years and known the same people for many years. So, that makes it more difficult to solve the main problem I have: Lonlieness.
Now as most of you know, I lost my friend due to douchebag/sadistic syndrome, so since then I’ve been lost and alone. Seeing him everyday is a fucking pain in the ass, but I’ve learned to deal with that. It’s just that.. I’m jus so confused. I don’t have any friends now, okay sure I have aquantinces (I CANT SPELL OK!?) But those are just people I can talk to at school and be a little weird with, but a bigger problem to that is that THEY are friends of my EX FRIEND. And my body goes in panic mode whenever I’m near my ex friend for some reason, so when he is with the group and I’m there too, I feel terrified, and I want to say so many funny things but they won’t come out because of my ex friend being there! I’ve tried looking through him, I’ve tried ignoring him completely, but it won’t work! My body just has this alarm for enemies! Not to mention my voice gets shaky as hell when I talk when I’m near him.
So.. What should I do? I can’t just become friends with someone in my class now, randomly. But I have no partners to be with in projects and I always end up with the weird kid.. I’m sick of this. And I don’t even know what I would do IF my ex friend would want to be friends again. Considering all the shit he has put me through.. But without him im LOST!
I’m having mixed feelings about everything, as I write this I sit on the bathroom floor in gym class because I couldn’t find a partner to be with in volleyball so I just went and nobody noticed. All my aquantinces have closer friends that they obviously choose, I’m just.. There. I need advice bad. I can’t make friends, I talk to everyone but there’s no way I could get closer with anyone at all, I mean we’re graduating next year so what’s the point?
I just don’t.know.what.to.do.
