How do I deal with extremely nervous people?


I seek help, because I don’t know what to do, and I’m really worried. One of my dearest friend is going through a tough time. I always tell him that when he wants he can talk to me, and he knows it very well, but instead he picks up excuses to fight with me (and speaks really harshly). I know he’s having problems, and when he realizes what he’s doing to me he says that he’s sorry, but if he doesn’t fight with someone it has to be someone else.

I’m a fierce person, I don’t hold grudges, but if you attack me directly I become a beast, and since I can’t find other options, I just fight with him going to his same level. I know is so wrong, especially because he will just become more stressed, but what can I do? How do I help him? Thanks in advance!

asked May 17, 2015

4 Answers

I think you answered yourself in a way. Call him out openly about it, tell him you know what he's doing (seeking to release tension by going off on you) and tell him that you will not play that game, that you are there if he wants to talk normally but you will disengage from him if he gets annoying. Same goes for offending you, if he does it and you have to call him out on it, and it starts to become an argument, leave the conversation until he's calm/normal.
I think that you should really consider what this person means to you, and how they affect your life, and well-being (happiness). While I understand that you're trying to be the best possible friend you can be, and sometimes we all go through rough patches in our personal and social lives, that does not mean you should allow his problems to become your problems, especially when they begin to affect you negatively. I'm not saying you should end the friendship, or consider it, by any means. I just hope that you keep in mind to take care of yourself, in this situation, as well.As much as we want to help those we care about, sometimes we just can't. We run out of the tools and resources, especially when dealing with someone who cannot or is unwilling to help themselves. Don't allow him to guilt you into taking his crap. It's wrong, and you don't deserve that. It's true what they say, misery loves company, so do NOT entertain him with your company, should he cross the lines!
I honestly think you should give him space. I already went through this when I lost my grandfather, and I just wanted to be alone. If he's going through something tough, maybe he doesn't want help. Maybe he can figure things out by himself or he needs time. Nothing can be fixed overnight or so soon. When people have some hard times in life, they either want help or need to get by on their own and take time for themselves. He could be the second type of person in situations like this. Before actually making a decision, sit down with him and ask him if he needs time to figure things out before helping. Because if you just reach right in and make his problems your problems, you're gonna put the both of you in a dark place where you feel the need to keep helping even when he doesnt want it. Then you'll feel blame. Just try asking if he wants space and time to get things together, and if he does want help, then ask what you can do.
Well, we actually don't hear each other that much since he moved away (really far away), but when we do we talk about our problems, always, he relied in me many times so I did with him, but something is different now, his problems are bigger. I don't chat with him if I don't have things to say, I just leave messages sometimes to let him know that I care, that's all. He's alone where he moved, I know that, and this is why I want to help, but I just can't stand nervous people, this is why I was asking for advice. Thanks for all of your answers, I'll try to do what you suggested me. :)